Run Mary Run -- Yeah Right

Well this Sunday is the 30th Twin Cities Marathon and darn it all to H-E-double Hockey Sticks I forgot to register -- AGAIN. In fact I've forgotten to register for 30 years. I remember one year I watched the marathon and was so inspired I thought I would spend the year training and the next year I would be a sleek running machine -- well, it didn't quite happen.

I have a couple of friends who have run in the Marathon and there is a woman in my building who is a running fanatic -- she even went to Europe for a marathon just so she could qualify for the Boston Marathon. I admire people who are so committed -- commitment isn't one of my best attributes, although there are some who feel I should be committed, but that's another story.

The marathon goes right by where I live, just 1/4 block away. Freckles and I usually go out and watch, although it drives Freckles crazy that 1) all those people are going by and not one of them recognizes her supreme cuteness and stops to scratch her head or belly and 2) the runners keep us from crossing the street and going to the park that she loves so much. Every year I see the same two people -- there is one man who always carries an MIA flag and another man who runs with his disabled child in a stroller. I would love to know more about their stories.

If you are running let me know and I'll look for you. If you aren't running then you can be a member of my non-marathon runners club -- we may not be in great shape but I think we are more fun to hang out with.

Turn Up The Volume Please

My friend Peter was telling me yesterday that when his mom was in hospice the nurse told the family that they should have movies and music she liked going all the time. She said that it is believed that even if someone is in a coma they can hear what is going on around them. So the family had her favorite movie "The Sound of Music" going 24/7 in her room. It made me think what would I want to have playing while I was in a coma. I felt I should make a list just so no one would make a mistake and have a Pauly Shore film festival or play the greatest hit(s) of Justin Bieber.

So here is Mary Hirsch's Comatose 10 (both music and videos):

1. Monk (anything from all 8 seasons)
2. Van Morrison
3. Casablanca (black and white version please)
4. Randy Travis (even though he played at Michele Bachmann's tent in Iowa)
5. The Music Man
6. Barry Manilow (yeah I know but I love him)
7. Elf
8. Gordon Lightfoot (yeah I know but I love him too)
9. The Andy Griffith Show (anything from all ??? seasons)
10. B.B. King

Why not "24" you may ask? Because I'm afraid I would kick the bucket before the end of the season and I hate it when that happens.

What would be in your Comatose 10?

The Church of the Confectionary

Anyone else remember Necco wafer candy? I saw a bag of them at the store in the Halloween candy section (I was only looking at the selection out of curiosity not because I wanted to see if they had "fun size" Milky Ways -- really -- curiosity).

We use to buy these all the time when I was a kid -- we used them as communion wafers. Necco wafers and those little wax bottles of some kind of syrup was the wine. And candy necklaces or bracelets were Rosary beads. Hey, I grew up in a Catholic neighborhood and this is what we did. It's a good thing they didn't make edible underwear back then (or at least we didn't know about it) or else we'd be wearing it on our heads as nun habits. We had to settle for pillow cases or if you pulled your shirt up over your head but didn't take it off you could use that as a wimple (I know it's called a wimple because of the Sound of Music "Underneath her wimple she has curlers in her hair" but I never did understand how she had curlers in her hair when it was so darn short -- oops I'm drifting again aren't I?).

Now some would call what we did as being disrespectful or sacrilegious, some would call it traditional childhood role playing, I like to think of it as the beginning of learning how to multitask -- you could eat candy, role play, and stay out of hell all at the same time. In fact, I think if churches served Necco wafers and sugar water in wax bottles while playing show tunes there would be more people there on Sunday.

Go in peace ...

It's the big 5-0-0

This is my 500th post. If my name was Mindy it would be the Mindy 500 or if I had been blogging about how to become rich it would be the Fortune 500 or if I was a dentist it could be 500 Smiles and if it was Oprah's 500th blog it would be a week long celebration culminating in a special on OWN television.

But it's just little old swell gal Mary so it is the 500 Blogs In Swell Smack Down Celebration.

Whoopeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Well thank God that's over. I'm spent. Anyone got a cigarette?

Hey how about those Vikings!?! 3-0 if you only watch the first half of the games. That's exactly what I did yesterday because I wasn't going to have my heart ripped out again. Britta told me she has a friend who will only watch the first half of Titanic because she doesn't like the idea of something so beautiful at the bottom of the sea. So I'm only watching the first half of the Viking games for the rest of the season.

And speaking of milestones the Twins are on the way to their 100th loss. They avoided it this weekend so are at 99 but I'm challenging Adrian Monk by saying it would be nice to have a round number like 100.

I am now turning my energies to the Minnesota Wild who I know will not rip out my heart and stomp on it this year. Yep, this is the year of the Wild, I can feel it -- of course that might just be gas.

I hope you have a good day celebrating the 500 Blogs in Swell Smack Down Celebration but remember to celebrate responsibly.

There Must Be 50 Ways To Use An Oven

When I do move I think I'll just give away my dresser since I pretty much just use my laundry basket to hold my clothes. Oh sure the things that need to be hung up usually get hung up but the other stuff, well it just sits in that basket until I finally empty it out so I can fill it with the dirty clothes that have been accumulating in a pile on the floor. So if you have a laundry basket and a floor who needs a dresser? It's kind of like my oven which is now nothing but a storage space for pans that I never use. The mom on "The Middle" (one of my favorite TV shows) uses her oven to store a quilt. GENIUS!!!!!!!! Heck, I should get rid of the pans and I could use it for my dirty clothes -- or shoes. GENIUS AGAIN!!!!!!!! And that drawer where all those pots I never use are sitting could hold my entire sock collection. I guess we all know what I'll be doing this weekend.

More Lessons Learned

Well vacation is over - back to the salt mines. And I believe this is the first day of autumn, isn't it. Nope, I just checked and it doesn't start until Friday. So I'll let you wear your flip flops for two more days but then I'm going to rip those suckers right off of you and toss them in the river. The sound of those things coming down the hall or the street drive me nuts. Of course if you wore them with a pair of corduroy pants and some jingling bracelets you would have a nice band.

I got almost nothing done that I planned on doing but I did get my driver's license renewed. When I was waiting my turn this poor woman was not passing her eye test. They kept saying "Do you see a light flashing?" And she'd say no. And they asked her over and over again. I was waiting for them to say "Do you see a light flashing on your left?" and all she'd have to say is yes. Finally she left. I don't know if they renewed her license or not. I felt sorry for her. I remember when my grandma finally said she couldn't drive anymore, but at least she made the decision instead of not passing the eye test. So after watching that, when I was called the clerk said it was $24. I gave her $25 and when she said she'd get me change I told her the $1 was so I would pass the eye test. Hey I wasn't going to take any chances even if it cost me a buck.

So the moral of today's blog is -- flip flops bad; bribes good.

A New Career for Mary

Well I have found my future career. Yes I can see it now "Mary Hirsch, Certified Firewalker" oh my parents would be so proud.

I find these ads I get on Facebook are not only amusing but I'm not sure how I'm picked for them. I usually get that ad that tells me 1474 men are looking for me -- it's a damn good thing I'm not paranoid (or am I). I also have an ad for "Faithful Women Wanted" from senior people meet but it has a picture of a young police officer. Makes you think Faithful Women are wanted for line-ups or a revival of Cell Block B (or was it C or DD)?

So now that I have a new direction to my career path I better get going -- anyone have a match?

Say Cheese

I'm working on my look for my driver's license picture. It expired on my birthday in August and I'm going to go renew it today. I'm thinking if I have that deer in the headlights look perhaps any one who sees it will feel sorry for me and not give me a ticket. Yes, that's going to happen.

Actually I've only had three tickets in 41 years of driving (wow that's a lot of years of driving). I got two parking tickets and a rolling stop ticket. I'm rather amazed I haven't gotten a ticket for speeding. You'd think a red convertible would be a target but so far so good.

I'm on vacation for two days -- was going to take the whole week off but decided to save some days for later in the year if I need them for moving. Going to hang out with Freckles and do some things around the place. It was either that or a quick jaunt to Paris -- I think I made the best choice.

Don't Sweat The Fashion Statement

I remember hearing on some comedy one guy saying to another guy who was wearing sweatpants "You know wearing sweatpants is kind of like telling the world 'I give up'." Well I'm in my sweatpants and I feel great. And I haven't given up ... oh perhaps I've been working on my conciliation speech but I haven't given up yet.

I went to look at an apartment on Tuesday. It was a nice place but there was this little voice telling me "This isn't the place for you" so I will keep looking. I try to pay more attention to this little voice because it was the one that told me not to marry my ex husband and not to watch The Bachelor -- it is a smart little voice. Now the "other" voices are just there to drive me insane. You know they say things like "Eat Beefaroni" "Join the Men's Hair Club" "Work for Lawyers" -- scary scary thoughts. Fortunately a pint of Ben & Jerry's will shut the voices up for a while.

Hope you have a good weekend planned. I have a long weekend coming up because I'm taking a couple days of vacation so this may mean a lot more days in my sweatpants -- yippee.

The Scarlet "F"

These are my new computer glasses -- I would have worn them but the glare from the flash didn't let you see them in all their splendor. They are my salute to Penelope Garcia from Criminal Minds.

So I had lunch yesterday with my friend John. I use to work with John about a hundred years ago when I was going to college and he told me that the people at work who read my blog have been worried about me -- that is way too sweet.

I'm fine, I really am. Unfortunately I have been forced to go into foreclosure with my condo. That is a bummer and has been heavy on my mind. Once I find a new place to live and get over and done with I will be so happy. I think it's all the unknowns that are making me crazy. And then there is the sense of failure too -- I feel like I should be wearing a Scarlet F - although if I did I'm afraid a lot of people would think the "F" didn't stand for foreclosure and assume I'm some kind of floosy -- hmmm I guess that wouldn't be all bad.

Any ways, I will survive this. I'm going to look at a place today. Hopefully I will like it and I can move in soon. Freckles has been very busy packing her things.

No Comment

Do I really need to even comment on this?

I will be spending the weekend looking for 14,870 men who want to meet me ... that should keep me busy for a while.

Milk and Diversity

Is it Friday yet?

My days are all mixed up. Is it Wednesday or Thursday or Thanksgiving? I hope it's Thanksgiving because I'm craving some stuffing.

Speaking of stuffing ... have you seen they are coming out with Triple Double Oreo cookies. It's nice to see Nabisco is jumping on the health and fitness wagon. If I were a parent and I saw that these were coming out I would be so pissed because you know your kids are going to want to get these. They are 100 calories each compared to 50 for an original Oreo.

But what I love is who are the spokes people for these cookies - four athletes who, well are a triple double stuff Oreo cookie. Venus Williams and Shaq are the chocolate cookie wafers, Apolo Ono is the tan chocolate filling and Eli Manning is the milky white filling. Am I the only person to notice this? It is the diversity cookie. If you eat one you are supporting diversity in America if you don't eat one you might as well put on your white sheet and go burn a cross you racist bigot.

So to summarize -- first off this is Thursday and there are gigantic cookies now that are politically correct. Life is good; thanks Nabisco.

It's My Brainiversary

I know the news world is focusing on the 10th anniversary of 9/11 but they have forgotten it is also the 10th anniversary of my brain surgery at Mayo Clinic. Here is a gross picture of my head after surgery. Every time I see this I think why didn't I have my surgery closer to Halloween - I would have had the best costume of all.

In case you don't know the story, I had a MVD for my HFS -- I love to say that, it sounds so techie. MVD = Multivascular Decompression and HFS = Hemifacial Spasms.

My HFS started about five years before my surgery with a small, but consistent tick in my left eye. I worked with my friend Amy at the time and for some reason she was having trouble with stuttering so we were going to start a new comedy duo Twitch & Stutter but it never happened.

The HFS kept progressing, as it is known to do, to the point where I couldn't read because my eye twitched so and it would wake me up at night. The worse part though was I was so self-conscious of the twitching when I was around people that I started to just stay home as much as possible.

I finally went to a neurosurgeon who recommended the surgery and I decided to go ahead and 10 years later I'm still twitch free. But the thing that I really like is that my experience has helped a couple of other people. First there is Mike Wuest, someone I never met who read about my experience on the HFS website and went to Mayo and had the surgery done. But the best is my friend Lori, who I use to work with, who just had the procedure last Friday. She is home and healing now but I was able to refer her to my doctor and to the Mayo clinic and now she is going to also be spasm free.

I have a hard time with the concept that everything happens for a reason but if is nice to know that my problem/solution helped at least two other people.

So 10 years later I am thinking how lucky I am that the surgery went well (yes I've heard ALL the brain surgery jokes) and that the HFS has never reoccurred.

I am a SPASM FREE ZONE.

I'll Be Back ... Really

To my faithful readers who have emailed and asked me where my blog is. I am having some pretty tough problems these days and I really don't want to write about them in my blog (we all have problems but we don't all want to hear about them) and I just can't seem to get my spark and spirit back right now. I hope to get some answers soon, and then I can make a few decisions and move on.

I appreciate you taking the time to check in here and please check in again ... I've been through tough times before and I'll get through this one too.

Thanks