Put Down The Phone

Okay I'm going to preach today, and you better listen or I'll come over to your house and sing Barry Manilow songs to you. I'm not an Oprah fanatic but she is spearheading the drive to get people to stop driving and using their phone and I am a fanatic about that. In studies it has been shown that texting is more dangerous than driving after drinking. People have died because someone was talking on their phone. Even if you don't care if you die, do you want to be responsible for someone else dying? Well do you? Read this story, it's about a death in Minneapolis, in case you don't believe me.

So I'm asking you to consider not using your cell phone when you are driving. You might actually find it is nice to have a few minutes during the day when you don't have to check your email or answer voice mail, when you can listen to music or a book on tape or nothing. When was the last time you actually had silence in your life?

So I'm done preaching, for now, but please think about it because I'm tuning up my version of "I Write The Songs" and believe me, it ain't pretty.

My Baby's Getting Married

My nephew Perry has announced that he and his girlfriend Camila are getting married, probably in October. Perry moved to Chile last February, leaving behind his aged but delightful favorite aunt (that would be me). But he's in love and now he's getting married and that is exciting.


I hope I'll be able to go to the wedding but it's going to be pretty expensive and it will be after I swim with the dolphins so unless my lottery tickets pay off, I may not make it. Which is too bad for them because I was going to sing some of my favorite wedding tunes: Roll Out the Barrel, Don't Come Home A Drinkin' With Lovin' On Your Mind (really it's a Loretta Lynn song), or the ever popular In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida. Perhaps I could record it and they could play it in my absence, with a life size cut out of me. Now that's a wedding.


Lots of love, happiness, and joy to Perry and Camila.

Mom Is Taking A Shower

So I thought I'd write to you today. I'm Freckles, the happiest dog on earth. Oh sure things started out poorly, what with that hunter's trap and me losing a leg but things have worked out pretty well.

Yesterday I got to spend the whole day at doggie daycare laying in the sun. Of course, other dogs would come up and try to get me to play with them, or move, or roll over or such, but no way. I had my place in the sun and they can just leave me alone.

Here are a few of my favorite things: riding in the car, eating, having my stomach scratched, eating, rolling in the grass, eating, sleeping, begging for food, having my ears scratched, eating, chasing rabbits, waiting for food to fall on the floor, harassing squirrels, drinking water, did I mention eating? Here are a few things that blow: baths, being left alone, having my nails cut, tall dogs whose butts are too high, rain.

Oh, no I hear the water being turned off. I better hurry and get back to my bed. Perhaps I can write another day.

A New Way To Waste Time

Flood It is a new game I found on the internet and I could play it for hours, well I've actually played it for hours. Now it's not like I'm totally wasting my time because while I played Flood It I also was watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond. So I've learned now to multitask time wasters. I'm trying to figure out how to play, watch, and nap at the same time and I will have reached the Nirvana of wasted time.

So I'll give you the link to Flood It, but when you become addicted don't blame me, okay you can blame me but be sure to spell my name correctly.

And So It Begins

I have no idea how the cover to my orange juice ended up on my desk. No idea at all. I was trying to find it yesterday and looked all over THE KITCHEN (where the orange juice is as well as the glass I poured the orange juice into) and couldn't find it. I finally put some aluminum foil over the top and forgot about it.

Well last night I was sitting at my desk and I looked over and there it was, the top I'd been looking for. And, I can't imagine how it got in here.

So yes it is beginning. I'm going to be one of those eccentric old ladies who misplaces everything. I always knew I'd be an eccentric old lady, and am proud of that, but I just didn't realize I'd spend my "golden" years (which, according to my bank book is more likely to be my gold-plated or tin years) trying to find things.

I'm turning into my great Aunt Edith who once had her entire family looking for her glasses for over an hour before she realized they were on top of her head. She's also the same woman who, when filling out an application to work at Dayton's back in the 30s, wrote next to the question sex "Once in Cincinnati." By the way, she got the job.

Actually, I'll be proud to turn into Aunt Edith, she was one feisty lady. Now, where are my car keys - I'm off to Cincinnati.

Goodbye Good Friend

Yes, it finally happened, my electric toothbrush died yesterday. I believe I got it about 10 years ago so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised but, geez, now I have to do the work myself. Oh sure I could go out and replace it right away but that would look cheap -- actually that would not look cheap because I did go to buy a new one and they are really expensive. I figured $30 or so, but they are $80 and more. And I don't know about you, but I just don't have that kind of money to spend so it's back to the basics. Fortunately, my dentist has been giving me a toothbrush twice a year when I have my teeth cleaned so I have a stockpile of brushes. I'll have to get by on my memories of my electric toothbrush, like the time we moved to California and the time we moved back and then there was, um, let's see -- I guess we don't have all that many memories. On the up side of this loss, I have one less thing in the bathroom that needs to be plugged in. And hey, only 8 months until Christmas (really look at the date) so maybe Santa will bring me a new one - or that pony he never brought me when I was 5 or 6 or 7.

Take A Wild Guess

It's Saturday and, by the looks of this photo, what is going on in my life:

a. I'm constipated

b. I had a vision of Dick Cheney in a thong

c. Someone is trying to make me eat mayonnaise

d. My face has imploded

e. I'm going into work

You make the call. Gee, perhaps I can get a gig on ESPN doing faces and letting viewers "make the call." Well perhaps if I was 25, blond, and looked like Heidi Klum -- of course if I was 25, blond, and looked like Heidi Klum I could go on ESPN and read the phonebook and get paid millions. No fair, no fair.

They Need The Ruler

I think if the Pope wants to deal with these pedophile priests he should not only defrock them, he should put them in a room filled with old school nuns with rulers. They would slap them back to the Crusades. Oh perhaps that's not such a good idea. Well those nuns would take care of the situation.

Despite being named Mary, I'm not Catholic. I was raised Episcopalian which, a nun told me, was right in the Catholic's backyard. I'm not sure if that was a compliment or not. On the one hand I had a lot of fun playing in our backyard; on the other hand many people see the backyard as a great place for abandoned cars, old appliances, burial of various pets, and a shed to keep all the crap that won't fit in the garage. I'll have to give this more thought - or not.

Have a good weekend -- I mean it, have a good weekend. Don't make me get out my ruler!

I'm In Love ...

with two things:

1. Zappos. If you haven't tried them I highly recommend them. I do a lot of internet shopping and they have the best service of any company I've found so far. I bought a pair of shoes yesterday and chose standard FREE shipping (it's always FREE). I received an email that I had been upgraded for FREE and my shoes will be here today. And, if I don't like them I can send them back for FREE and have 365 days to do so. But mostly I just like the company. If I could I would write songs about them, take them out to dinner, and dance the night away with them. Zappos, will you marry me?

2. The PBS show "Through a Dog's Eyes." It was a wonderful story about service dogs and the people they help. I'm sure there will be a rerun so check it out. I also watched Food, Inc. and it is a great show but will definitely have you rethinking your food choices. I also recommend it, but there were parts I just couldn't watch (think slaughter houses).

So, buy some shoes (or clothes or whatever) at Zappos and put them on while you watch Through a Dog's Eyes and eat locally grown, organic food.

Senior Rate (55 and over) 15% off!!!!!!

Oh shit, I am a senior. My friend Nancy told me I qualified for senior rates but I said no, that's for people 60 and older, but I saw this yesterday and I almost cried.

I don't want to be a senior. I didn't like being a senior in high school, college, and now life. In high school it meant you had to move on to work and real life, in college it meant you needed to find a job and pay back this ginormous loan you just accumulated, and now it means you have to move on to, well I'd rather not discuss it.

15% off, oh brother. The old coot rate. I'm a coot. Of course I'm a cute coot so what the heck. I better get going so I can shuffle off to work, if I can remember where I work. Now where is my cane?

Hot Diggity Dog

I thought I'd make you jealous with my wienie whistle. My friend Pat Dennis gave this to me and it's one of my prize possessions. I was reminded of this treasure when I saw a picture of my hero Betty White at the opening of a hot dog restaurant. If I can have her zest and health (and wealth) I will be a great 80 something. I still remember her on the best ever episode of The Odd Couple with Oscar and Felix playing Password. I've always associated Lincoln with mayonnaise since I first saw this. And speaking of mayonnaise - the worse, most horrible food ever created. It's made me cry - no really ask Peter or Sue or Sue (I'm not repeating myself there are two Sues).

So have a mayo-free, hot diggity dog day.

Oh No....

This is my deer in the headlights look ... what do you think? I should go on the road doing animal imitations ... it could be called ROAD KILL. Or I should keep my day job.

I found an old classmate of mine on Facebook the other day. He's a priest out on the East coast. The funny thing is in high school he said he was going to be a priest. How many people actually do what they planned on doing in high school? We had to do a career report in civics and I, being the straight and narrow kind of gal I am, did a report on opening a brothel -- the "Come On Up And See Me Some Time" brothel. I actually got a good grade on it because it was well written. That wasn't what I planned to do, but it was better than doing a report on becoming a secretary or nurse or stewardess. I think it was Lily Tomlin who said if we all grew up to be what we wanted to be as children the world would be filled with ballerinas and firemen. Sounds like a pretty nice world to me.

No, I Mean It...

DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!!!

Okay, look but it's at your own risk.

I read that you can get more done if you make a list of what you want to accomplish. I'm not sure if that is right, but I'm willing to give it a try. So here goes.

My plans for today:

1. Clean my entire home
2. Pay off all my debts
3. Watch all those PBS shows I taped
4. Walk 75 miles (briskly)
5. Get organized
6. Finish all those projects I started
7. Bake bread from scratch for all my neighbors
8. Find a cure for some horrible disease
9. Eradicate poverty
10. Create world peace

Or I might just take a nap and go to Target. We'll see.

Don't Look At Me

My hair looks horrible ... I'm getting it cut on Monday. But I thought I'd let you look at my favorite t-shirt. It says "Schrute Farms Beets" which is from the television show "The Office" one of the few television shows I never miss. What are the others you are asking:

1. Project Runway
2. Flash Forward
3. Criminal Minds
4. Glee
5. The Closer and my all time favorite of course ...
6. 24

Monk would be on that list except it's not on anymore. I miss Monk and I'm sure he misses me, I can feel it.

Taking Freckles to get her nails trimmed ... they charge $12 but I think I should only have to pay $9 because she has three legs but I have yet to convince them to change that rate. Once again 3-legged dogs get no breaks from "the man." Attica, Attica, Attica.

Look Out World ... Here I Come

I got my passport. I've never had a passport before. I've never left the country. Boy am I exciting or what?

Well 171 days until I swim with my dolphins and now that I have my passport it's becoming real. Someone I work with was talking about her trip to Cancun where she "swam" with dolphins. When I asked her about it I found out it was a trapped and trained dolphin -- not what I've been looking for. Where I'm going the dolphins are free in the ocean and they can chose to hang out with you or not. I would rather not swim with a dolphin than swim with one that's forced to do so. Yes, it's the tree hugger in me. And don't get me started on circus animals --- grrrrrrrr.

But having a passport is pretty cool (and pretty expensive for heaven's sake). So now I can go any where in the world I want to. Finally, I can visit those places I heard about as a kid -- China ("Stop digging that hole or you'll end up in China"), Timbuktu ("Just go to the store and get some milk, it's not like it's in Timbuktu"), and my favorite Europe (a place filled with "children who would love to eat those beans"). I believe it's the AAA's Inner Child Tour.

P.S. -- Sorry this is late Peter.

Tax Man Cometh

Excuse me for a second ... carry the 3 bring down the 2 multiply by the population of Helena, divide by the age of the junior senator of Oregon. Sorry I was just working on my taxes.

Happy tax day to those of you who haven't already taken care of that little problem. The only time I ever waited until the 15th was when I owed money and then I actually filed an extension. That was a long time ago when I was still filing a joint return (oh the good old days). Memories, like the corners of my mind, misty water .... oh sorry I was remembering the way we were ... scary thoughts.

Well off to the salt mines ... hey aren't we suppose to cutback on salt. I guess I better stay home -- for my health.

I Miss You Mom

It was nine years ago today that my mom died. I really miss her so much. She had COPD (a new and improved way of say emphasema) and the last years of her life she had to use an oxygen tank. One of my favorite mom stories is when I had taken her to one of her many doctor appointments. On this day she was feeling pretty down about her physical condition. We got to the clinic and the waiting room was crowded. I told her to find us some chairs and I'd check her in. When I sat next to her she said "I've become a burden on you and your brother. When we get home you should just put me in the dumpster and let them haul me away." Well not only was the waiting room crowded, it was quiet, so everyone had heard this and they were all looking at us. I turned to my mom, took her hands and said "Don't be ridiculous mom I'm not going to leave you in some dumpster; I'll drive you right out to the landfill." Well we both laughed and moved on. My mom had a great sense of humor and fun. These are some of my favorite pictures of her.

The one with the swing set is the early years (that's me in the background). One is her modeling a hat that I crocheted for her for Christmas (a glam shot). Another one is her blowing out her birthday candles with a little help from her grandson Perry.

I miss you mom and tonight I'll be sharing a dinner with some of my friends at your favorite restaurant Famous Dave's and thinking of you.

Oh What A Shelbyville Morning

OMG I've never looked better...

This whole story about the idiot in Shelbyville, Tennessee who sent back her adopted son to Russia reminds me of two things:

1) Jerry, an attorney I used to work for used to do a cheer, no really he did. "Shelbyville, Shelbyville, You are it. S-H for Shelbyville, I-T for it. S-H-I-T -- Shelbyville."

2) When I was born and brought home I had to share a room with my brother. After a couple of nights of me crying he announced "TAKE HER BACK." I'm glad they didn't.

I think I should go back to bed until I can get both eyes open.

Tick Tock Tick(ed Off) Tock

Whatever happened to being able to watch a television show without having to endure a scrolling ticker line or an advertisement in the corner. Last night I attempted to watch a Patricia Cornell movie on Lifetime and in the corner they had an ongoing clock announcing how long until Army Wives started. I watched about five minutes and gave up. It was so distracting I couldn't watch the hot guy on television. So this is to Lifetime:

TAKE OFF THE TIMER!!!

I'm glad I got that off my chest. Oh and look there's a couple crumbs there too ... yum, English muffin. Opening day at the new Twins Stadium -- I'll be glad when that's over. I'm tired of hearing about it. You know I think repetitive news stories can really suck the joy out of an event. How many stories can we take on the new stadium dog? I am, however, going to go to a couple games this year, just to sit outside. The last time I went to a Twins game I got a sunburn -- which tells you how long it's been. Play ball and stop the presses.

I Didn't Know Santa Had A Pig

In case you are wondering, this is a picture my friend Sue drew to depict a polar bear. Her Pictionary partner, Peter, guessed Santa's pig -- I didn't do much better for my partner Sue (yes 2 Sues, one Peter, one Mary). I haven't laughed as hard and as long as I did last night playing games with my friends. I highly suggest a game night to everyone. I also highly suggest wearing Depends.

Great day to drive around with your top down ... those of you without a convertible follow this advice in your own way.

Just Say No To Mediocre

Just came back from a walk in the park ... OMG what a great April morning. And there were dogs everywhere. Freckles was in butt sniffing heaven. And lots of rolling in the grass ... her favorite thing. I just have to not think about what she's rolling in or I would get grossed out.

So I have a consumer tip for you ... don't buy M&M ice cream bars. I like frozen M&Ms so I thought these would have the same hard shell but they don't. And the colors don't look like on the box, they look like something that's been sitting out in the sun too long. And even the ice cream is mediocre. So I tossed away the rest. I am an ice cream junkie and if I don't like something I'd rather throw it away than waste the calories on mediocre. So my recommendation is don't bother with the new M&M ice cream bars ... my favorite is the Dove dark chocolate ice cream bar. Yum, yum. So delicious, so rich, so creamy ... okay I need to be alone now so TTFN (tah, tah, for now).

Better Late Than Never (But Better Never Late) AGAIN

Sorry this is late .... I have no excuse and I have been chastised by one of my loyal readers:

Mary -

As a consistent reader, supporter and general appreciator of your blog, I feel I need to step up and offer some comment. At this point in our "blogationship", we need to establish a Service Level Agreement (SLA) around WHEN your blog will be updated. Please read on for more details…….

Reading your blog has really offered a kick-start to my day. The problem is, it's too late in MY day. I am at work anytime between 6:15 and 6:30 in the morning. At this point, unless it's been a sleepless night or someone sent me an overnight Email that T'ed me off, I'm generally in a good mood. Problem is, by 7:30/8:00am, someone has, more than likely, already done something to push me to the precipice and the remainder of the day, I hang there waiting for the last jolt to push me over the edge.

I am certain, if I were to read your blog when I arrive at work, it would boost my "Don't Shoot the Stupid People" antibodies and my day would not consist of teetering on the edge.

As a result, please take into account my request and send me a draft SLA agreement for my review and comment. Should I find it unacceptable, I will provide comments back on MY expectations and you will abide.

I look forward to many happy days, months and years of our blogationship. That is, of course, if you do the right thing by me. Please don't take this as a threat, but ……..I know people.

I promise to do better in the future ... really ... I mean it .... no really I do ... don't release the monkeys --

Who Are You?

I went to a seminar yesterday about leadership in law firms. The speaker showed a wonderful video about herding cats which is a perfect example about what it is like to be a leader in a law firm. If you've never worked at a law firm you really don't understand how it is different from traditional businesses. And it is like herding cats.

But the question he asked was "When you get up in the morning what do you see in the mirror? Do you see a marketing person or do you see a leader?" and I thought to myself "OMG I don't think I could get up each morning if that's what I saw." I know what he was trying to say, if you don't see yourself as a leader then you won't be a leader. But my thought was that I hope I'm a lot more than a job, a career, something that let's me bring home the Morningstar Fake Bacon Strips. I'm not even sure I would like to try to be a leader at a law firm ... I don't think you can ever achieve that without a law degree and I have no intention of getting myself one of them there leee-gal degrees. Plus being a leader can only lead to meetings, committees, spreadsheets, organizational charts and in the end it is all boiled down to a PowerPoint presentation. I think I may need to consider my career back-up plan -- street mime. Have you ever seen my woman trapped in a cubicle?

Goodbye Nancy, Thanks For Stopping By

I would have made a great teacher/nun with that look, except I'd have to replace the grin with a scowl. I'll work on it. Sarah Palin is going to be in town to help out Michelle Bachman and if that doesn't put a scowl on my face nothing will.

I'm thinking today about a friend of mine from high school, Nancy Benjamin (Belpedio) who passed away from breast cancer (I hate breast cancer's guts). I was told of her illness just last week by another high school friend. I haven't seen Nancy since I graduated. I knew her from Job's Daughters (a Masonic organization I belonged to which is a whole other story). I remember Nancy was the DeMolay Sweetheart (kind of a beauty contest thing) and was so beautiful. I was jealous of her tiny body and long blond hair -- I had a not so tiny body and frizzy, curly red hair. But thinking of her, what I truly remember is she was funny, kind, smart, and incredibly nice. She was one of those people who was beautiful on the inside and outside and she never had that "I'm gorgeous" attitude.

Even though I haven't seen her for a long, long time I know my life was enriched by her way back when. Thanks Nancy for stopping along the way and sharing part of yourself with me.

You Are Getting Sleepy, NOT!

Why is it that I can be brain dead for three hours watching TV (well you can't be brain dead and watch "24") and then I go to bed and my mind starts going full steam. The things to do, to write about, to find, to buy, to say, to not say, to do, to do, to do ...

And so I lay there and say "don't think about it, go to sleep, go to sleep" and nothing. I've heard that if you can't fall asleep after 15 or 20 minutes you should get up and read or do something else. Unfortunately the people who give that advice must not have a dog who thinks if you get up and go into another room she should come with you and then before we go back to bed she should go outside. Oh well. Maybe tonight my mind will shut off but if not I hope it gives me some good ideas to share here.

It's The Big One Mary Elizabeth

Oh boy, it's Monday. Well the good news is there is two hours of "24", the bad news is it's Monday.

There was a big earthquake in California yesterday. Have I mentioned that earthquakes scare the heck out of me. When I lived there thankfully there was never an earthquake. I never was afraid until I took a geology class in college. The professor actually said that there would be a big one in California in the next 50 years. Oh thank you so much. I'm going there in August for a wedding and I think I'll wear an inner tube and life jacket everywhere I go -- just in case. In fact it wouldn't be such a bad idea to carry an inflatable raft with me too. Wow and I was worried about what I was going to wear ... it won't matter because you'll never see me through all the earthquake paraphernalia. Something old, something new, something borrowed, something you can float on.

Hoppy Easter

You know with this look ... I can't imagine why I never pursued a career as a Playboy Bunny ... a demented bunny for sure but still.

Happy Easter. Here in Minneapolis we have a beautiful day. I live near the Basilica of St. Mary in downtown Minneapolis so last night I could hear the Easter eve bells ring every hour and this morning at 8:30 they were ringing as I took Mz. Freckles for a walk in the park. What a great way to start the day.

Now for the family thing ... I use to ask my mother "Did we have a really slow milkman or mailman?" because I was sure my brother and I couldn't come from the same two parents. Even when she was in the hospital dying I had to ask one more time. It made us both laugh - I remember that. But, back to my family. I have been invited to "brunch" at my brother's home -- at 1:00. Who eats brunch at 1:00? And I am willing to bet it will be 2:00. My brother is lucky to have married a woman who shared his slower pace in life. If you invite them over and hope to eat at 6:30 you tell them 5:30. And dinner is almost always served around 8 or 9:00. I think they are doing that New Yorker thing in Minneapolis which is hard on those of us, like me, who are doing that Minneapolis thing.

My favorite Easter memory is when one year my dad put chocolate covered raisins on the carpet in the living room near our Easter baskets and then picked one up, smelled it, popped it in his mouth and said "I hate it when that bunny poops all over the place" and continued to eat the bunny droppings. And people wonder why I turned out the way I did.

Happy Easter!

SOMETHING'S WRONG HERE

I think I have some sort of a brain tumor or exotic disease. Why you ask (did you ask, please ask)? Yesterday I did the following:

1. Two loads of laundry

2. Grocery shopping

3. Cut up, cleaned, etc. all the fresh foods that often just sit in my fridge until they need to be tossed.

4. Made a bbq dish in my slow cooker.

5. Cleaned out my fridge and freezer.

6. Cleaned the kitchen

7. Rearranged my bedroom closet so it's easier to find stuff.

8. Cleaned up my dresser drawers including my sock drawer.

9. Changed the sheets on my bed

10. Washed the dog.

OMG ... I haven't done that much in the last year. What's gotten into me. It must be spring fever. I'm wondering what the rest of the weekend will bring:

1. Reupholster my furniture

2. Refinish my wood floors

3. Build an addition to house the Mary Hirsch Museum

4. Find a cure for the common cold

5. Write a novel

6. Walk on water.

Okay I won't walk on water ... that's just showing off.

Day off, day off

I'm doing a happy dance but you can't see my feet ... happy dance, happy dance.

I've already done my laundry and now I have the rest of the day to do nothing.

Okay not very interesting but I don't care -- DAY OFF, DAY OFF.

I'm Getting Married

April Fools!!!! Ha, I crack myself up.

Was it just me or did March seem like a very long month. Not as long as January -- that lasted at least three years. They say as you get older time just flies by, I guess I must be getting younger because it seems to be going slow at times.

Well that's okay, I'm in no hurry. We get 1/2 a day off today and I'm hoping I can take it -- lots to do. And we get tomorrow off. I don't know of any other place that closes on Good Friday any more, but I'm not complaining.

So go out and mess with someone's head for April 1st.