Voila

About a hundred years ago I took a calculus class in college. I'm not sure why I was taking it but it probably had something to do with whatever major I was pursuing at that moment (I believe I had at least 12-15 majors at one time or another). And it was not an easy class. I struggled and struggled with it. But I can remember one night when I was trying to figure out how to work a problem. I'd spent hours on it when all of a sudden something clicked and I knew what the answer was. I did the work, checked the back of the book, and voila -- I was right. And from that moment on the class was still as hard as ever and a constant struggle but it was my favorite class because I knew I could do it -- if I had solved that one problem then I could solve all the rest.

Well I'm having a voila moment (not to be confused with an Oprah ah-ha moment which I believe she is trying to patent) when I solved the problem once and now I know I can solve the rest of them. So what the hell am I talking about? I epublished and self-published my first book "April Fool's Fun" on Amazon.

I'll let you know when it is up on the site (should be today or tomorrow) but the most important thing is I did it -- I didn't talk about doing it, or think about doing it, or lay on the couch and shame myself for not doing it -- I did it.

I have been meaning to learn how to do this so I can take all the books that are sitting in my filing cabinet that haven't found a publisher and go ahead and publish them. April Fool's Fun is not a great classic, in fact it's that one problem I struggled over for what seems like years to not just learn how to do it (that took a weekend or so) but to simply get it done. I suffer from the Pa Kettle Syndrome where I'm always saying "I'm gonna get around to fixing that one of these days."

And it really has given me the boost I've been looking for in the last year or so -- the boost that I often tried to find with my two best friends Ben & Jerry. I love to write but it can be so discouraging when you get one rejection after another. After a while you just want to give up. But this will let me write and publish and who knows, some "real" publisher may find one of my books some day and contact me -- or Keifer Sutherland may find one of my books some day and contact me. Hey win-win.

I am now compiling all the humor columns I've done on life in Minnesota for the next book. I'll keep you posted it. Get it, this is a blog where you add a post and I said I'll keep you posted. I can't understand why I'm not getting published with such a biting wit as that.

Time Drags When Your...

I saw the date today and I thought that Christmas was only two months ago but it seems like a century. I often wonder why people stay in Minnesota and I've decided it's because it makes time stand still -- at least for part of the year. Oh well ... enough complaining for now.

I had a great day at work yesterday and when I got home to Freckles she was running around in circles having fun ... it was a good day. I like good days. I know tomorrow will be a good day with my friends coming over for movies, games and dinner. We decided to make it potluck so everyone is bringing something but I can't for the life of me remember who is bringing what. I know I'm making my world famous lasagna -- so world famous that Stouffer's stole it and put it in the freezer section. I hate it when that happens.

Run Mary Run

You'll have to go with a picture of Freckles today because my head feels like it's going to explode and I don't want to turn on the light to take a picture and boy is this a long run-on sentence that you think would eventually come to an end but it doesn't seem to be doing so kind of like when you start to tell a story about one thing and then something else pops into your mind and all of a sudden you are off in another direction like west which is where I'd like to be headed right now or even south but further south than Burnsville which reminds me I have to use my Slumberland coupon by Saturday to get a new couch or loveseat because mine is too low and I have a hard time getting up from it thanks to my bad back and bad knees which I guess makes me a bad girl who writes really long run-on sentences which is as close to running as I'm ever going to get unlike my friend Peter who runs marathons and does triathalons and other alons all the time but last year he did an alon in Chicago because he would get a shirt that said 10-10-10 and I told him he could probably buy that shirt on eBay but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO he had to go to Chicago and as I recall the weather really stunk like it was really hot or rainy or there was a monsoon or something because he had a horrible time but at least he got his 10-10-10 shirt which I've never seen him wear so maybe he never went after all and he's lying to me which is possible because he has shifty eyes and could easily be a big old liar except when he says he loves me more than his luggage because I know that has to be true. Whew .... now you have a headache too don't you.

I'm Changing My Name

Yesterday at work I decided to change my name to Sisyphus Hirsch. If you don't know Sisyphus is the guy in Roman mythology who had to spend eternity rolling a big rock to the top of a hill just to watch it roll back down and he had to start all over again. That's how I'm feeling -- especially at work. It's like I finally think I'm making some progress in my work and BOOM the stone rolls back to the bottom of the hill.

Of course the other kids on the mythological playground would call me "Sissy Missy likes to Kissy" and never pick me for kickball so I guess that wouldn't be such a good idea.

But really, do you ever feel like you just aren't getting any where or even if you are getting somewhere it's taking forever. Kind of like this winter ... you think it's going away and here it comes again. Perhaps we should change the name of our state from Minnesota to Sisyphusota. I like it.

*^#% Mary Says

I can't believe I forgot to blog yesterday. It must have been the excitement of a snow day. I haven't had a snow day in a long long long long time. So I apologize and it won't happen again I hope for a long long long long time.

Needless to say I'm sick of snow, I'm sick of cold, I'm sick of winter, and I'm sick of saying I'm sick of snow, cold and winter. I'm thinking of taking money I don't have and going away for a week to do nothing but sit in the sun and not complain about snow, cold and winter.

But for now I have to go out in the snow, cold and winter and catch my bus. Which means I better start yodeling because I have to climb a mountain to get to the bus stop. "Climb every snow bank, forge every ..."

Not Today I Have A Headache

This is what my head feels like. I woke up with a headache at about 1 this morning and it hasn't gone away yet. Ouch.

I probably am still suffering a fun time hangover (without the liquor) from my trivia night on Wednesday with Peter, Sue and Sue. I had more fun than I've had in a long time. I learned in the first round that I have absolutely no idea what is going on in the world, in the second round I know some general trivia but not enough to win a game, in the third round I actually did quite well and it was suppose to be for the "guys" because it was all about cars. I'm not sure what that means. The next two rounds we did pretty good on chick flicks and movie posters but when they played the beginning of songs in the final round and we were suppose to give the title and artist I discovered I'm old. The first 8 songs were all from sometime after the 1980s and I had no clue, even when they said what they were. I should have gotten the Stevie Wonder song and would have if they'd played a little bit more and I knew Van Morrison which is no surprise. But what I really learned is:

1. Block E charges you $12 to park there. No wonder the businesses are all going under.
2. Freckles can somehow sense when I'm going to go out and will not cooperate with me.
3. People are actually out on a school night -- the place was packed.
4. I should not leave a restaurant without using the restroom
5. I'm really not missing much music-wise
6. I need to have more fun -- even if I get a headache later on.

Happy Friday.

Aunt Edith

On Monday I had dinner with my family and told a couple of stories about my Aunt Edith. My niece Britta said I should share it on my blog so here it is.

My grandma’s family lived on a farm in Hallock, Minnesota which is right on the Canadian border. Her older sister Edith (on the right in this picture – the one who looks a little tipsy) was quite the character. Well back then there was no fourth grade movie to tell girls about that special thing that was going to be happening to their body so, of course, they had to rely on someone in the family clueing them in. Well no one had told my Aunt Edith anything about anything. So one night Edith woke up and discovered she was bleeding. She jumps out of bed, and immediately starts running through the house shouting “I’ve been shot. I’ve been shot.”

Many years later, when the family had sold the farm and moved to Minneapolis, Aunt Edit was applying for a job at Dayton's selling women's clothing. On the application one of the questions was "Sex." Aunt Edith answered "Once in Cincinnati." She got the job.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Tonight Peter, Sue/Sue, & Mary -- one of the least known folk singing groups in town -- will be playing trivia at Kiernan's. I need a night out of fun. Work has been overwhelming and no matter how I try I can't leave it behind when I go home. It'll be okay, soon I hope, but for now it's a bummer.

And poor Freckles is trying to climb on her snow mounds and she keeps sinking which is only a little more pathetic than me trying to climb on the same mounds to clean up her droppings. If a 32 pound dog sinks imagine what happens to me. If some day you don't hear from me look for an old lady stuck in a snowbank.

Happy &*@#* Valentine's Day

Bitter? Table for one. Bitter?

Sorry folks but this is the worse "holiday" of all. Even if you are in a relationship it's a terrible holiday because then there's all this pressure to buy something, and buy something perfect. But, just because it's a lousy holiday doesn't mean I can't get dressed up for it.

Had a fun weekend with my friends (Sue and Peter still are mad I have other friends). But I have to ask, if you order a steak sandwich don't you expect slices of steak in a bun? Well I went to the Dock restaurant in Stillwater and I got the steak sandwich. It arrived and it had big chunks of steak kind of lined up in a bun -- burned steak by the way. How can someone eat that? Oh well, Freckles loved it.

It was so warm yesterday ... long walk with Freckles. She and I both were in heaven. I was thinking that in less than 2 months this should hopefully all be nothing but a bad dream. I must warn Mother Nature that if she sends snow in April, the people of Minnesota will make the riots in Egypt look like a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese.

Happy Anniversary

Yes, 31 blissful years of divorce. And they said it wouldn't last.

I'm not sure why I can remember this date so well. The only thing I can think of is it was right before Valentine's Day and somehow at that time it made it feel extra devastating. Who knows. Well rest in peace Tom.

Warm up ahead ... yippee. If it gets to 30 it will feel like 50. I may have to put the top down on my car. Anyone want to go for a ride?

I'm glad the weekend is almost here ... I have lots of plans with friends which is always fun. But most important - I'm going to look for a new desk chair. I sit on this one for hours at a time and it's not very comfortable, plus it tried to kill me the other day. Oh you think I forgot that didn't you, you rollie pollie chair. Then I'm going to get a desk, a real desk. Or, as my friend Jean would say, I'm getting "grown up furniture." Like I'm a grown up.

Have a good weekend.

Magic SPANX

Last night I was watching Hot In Cleveland and it started out with Joy going to a psychic who gave her a pair of "magic SPANX." Immediately she had good luck which turned to bad luck. The episode went on with each of the women having the same experience of thinking what was good luck turned to bad luck. And just as they were about to burn the SPANX all of their bad luck changed back to good luck. Did you follow that? It was a fun episode but it also made me think about not getting into the Fringe and often times what I think is bad luck will eventually turn to good luck. I still don't believe "everything happens for a reason" but I do believe if you wait long enough things may just get better.

So it's time to put on my big girl SPANXees and get to work.

Moving on

I'm much better today. Thanks to those of you who emailed me yesterday. I was down but I will survive. (Excuse me for a bit while I do my disco dancing.)

I have to agree with the fact that this winter has everyone down. I think we should all just pack our bags and leave until it's all over. Lewis Black says that when it's this cold in Minnesota it's not weather it's a disaster and we should make the government move us out until it warms up. I agree. Mark Dayton took all the seniors to Canada for their medicine ... I think he should take us all to Arizona for Vitamin D.

Well I only have two layers of clothing on and I'll need a few more layers to take Freckles out. At least I don't have to go outside to pee and poop. Of course Freckles found a mound of snow she can climb up on and that's where she likes to go and poop which means I have to climb up the same mound of snow to clean up after her. Bring on the thaw -- quick.

I'm Number One ....

plus 20 on the waiting list. I'm feeling blue. This is the fifth year I've tried to get a spot with the lottery and the fifth year I've been wait listed. One year I was in the top 10 on the wait list and I did get in but 21 is pretty far down there.

I know some people (including me) think that things happen for a reason but I have a hard time with the logic. I mean I can be okay with this type of thing happening for a reason but if I truly believe that everything happens for a reason then I have to believe horrible things happen for a reason -- Hurricane Katrina, Earthquakes in Haiti, Sarah Palin -- and I just can't wrap my brain and heart around the idea that the universe would actually have a reason for such horrible things.

The main reason I wanted to get into the Fringe was so I had something to look forward to. I feel like all I ever do any more is work and there just isn't anything in front of me that keeps me going. Do you ever feel that way? Any ideas?

Hey, sorry this is a bummer but I'm feeling blue.

I Would Like Those 5 Hours of My Life Back

I heard there was some kind of game on yesterday. Was it a big lacrosse game of some sort?

I was actually torn about who I wanted to win. On one hand I didn't want all those Packer fans at work to be gloating but on the other hand I didn't want that sleezy Ben Roethlisberger to win either. So I was rooting for the half-time show which stunk. I should have just kept watching the Criminal Minds marathon.

Then I stayed up to watch Glee and now I'm tired and grumpy (and dopey and sleepy and doc). Tonight is the lottery for the Minnesota Fringe. I applied to be in it this year. I'm hoping that for the first time I will win a spot in the lottery. Root for #271!!!!!!

Well off to work for another exciting week.

Flat Tire

So last night in the freezing cold I got a flat tire. I carry an air pump in my car, thankfully, so I could get a temporary fix. The real bad news was once I got it filled I couldn't find the cap from the gizmo on the tire where you put the air. I emptied my pockets, where I was sure I had put it, and it was not there. I finally backed the car up and lo and behold it was under the car.

It got me home but this morning it is flat again so I'm thinking I probably need a new tire ... in fact I'm sure I need two new tires. Thankfully I'm independently wealthy and unexpected costs ... oops I was back in my fantasy world.

Weekend is just on the horizon. Looking forward to spending time with some friends. Not a big super bowl person so I doubt I'll watch much of it but I am excited for the Glee episode that will follow.

Open Mouth - Insert Foot

Why can't 6:00 a.m. come about two hours later (and 5:00 p.m. come about two hours sooner but only on Mon-Friday)?

So you want to know how to put your foot in your mouth? Let me tell you. I'm at lunch yesterday with two friends who I use to work with. One of them, we'll call her "L" has brought gift bags for me and my other friend, we'll call her "J." As J and I protest L says that it's not things she went out and bought but she's cleaning out her stuff and these are things she had already. That's when I, we'll call me "I," says "Why? Are your dying?" and L says "Well I do have breast cancer." If I wasn't so old and out of shape I would have crawled under the table until everyone had left. I did ask the server for a sharp knife but he wouldn't give me one. L wasn't mad but boy did I feel like an idiot. Now we just have to be there to support L as she goes through surgery and treatment. She explained that it is small and one of the most curable types of breast cancer so hopes are high.

So I'm back to my original Supreme Being plan of no illness and a pleasant passing to the next place. Vote for Mary. Vote for Mary.

If I'm Elected ...

Happy GH Day and I don't mean Good Housekeeping. Wouldn't that be horrible if there was a Good Housekeeping Day? People would come around and inspect your home to see if it was good and kept. I would end up on a poster of some sort as an example of what not to do.

I'm a little worried today about my niece. She called me last night because she was having pains that were similar to the ones I had when I had to have my gallbladder removed. She went to a doctor yesterday and she's going to have a sonogram today. (Correction, she's having an ultrasound tomorrow other than that I has totally correct.) I'll be happy when she finds out what it is and when she is feeling in tip top shape.

I'm also worried about a good friend of mine who is having some tests done to see if there is cancer. I'll be happy when this friend is feeling in tip top shape.

If I were in charge of the world there wouldn't be any illness or decline in your health but there would be a cut-off point when one would happily move on to the next world. Everyone would know it was coming and could plan accordingly. The next time there is an election of Supreme Being remember to Vote for Mary.

Oh and if I were in charge the temperature would never be this low.

We Did It!!!

We made it through January. And only one shopping day until Groundhog's Day. I better get busy.

If you like movies I suggest you check out Turner's Classic Movies this month. They have all great Oscar winning movies. Of course the lack of Pauly Shore as best actor really keeps the quality down a bit.

Another big day in February is Go Red Day for awareness of women's heart disease. It is this Friday, Feb. 4th.

Of course there is the traditional excitement of President's Day. The day when Macy's has it's big Lingerie Sale. Nothing says Thanks Abe, Thanks George, like a lift and separate bra.

I won't even mention VD day ... Feb 14. I'll save my comments for later. So happy February.