Don't Do That

your eyes will freeze that way. Love those old sayings your mom use to tell you. Still wondering why the children in Europe liked to eat all the foods I didn't like to eat. You'd think they'd like some Spagettios or Twinkies now and then to break up the boredom of peas, beans, carrots, and minestrone soup.

I work at home on Fridays and I sat down to work and realized I left everything I was going to bring home at work. I put it on a memory stick and then left it on my desk. So much for "memory" sticks. So I got someone to bring it down to the street so I could pick it up without having to park and go in. As I drove up she threw the stick in the car and said "Go, go like the wind." I felt like I was in the not-so-amazing race.

Well back to work because we all know that all play and no work makes you a lot of fun, but very poor.

I'm Sleeping Single In A Double Bed

Well I know you are all wondering how Bessie is doing ... I have good news and bad news ... the good news is she is running great, the bad news is I can either spend quite a big of money to get a new motor for her convertible top or I can just put the top up and down manually. The guy at Auto Motion (which I highly recommend in St. Louis Park) said he would look on line for used motor to save some money. I'll have to give this some thought.

Now for a new issue, Freckles doesn't want to sleep with me any more. She likes to lay on the floor in the kitchen. I'm pretty sure it's because it is cooler and/or she's hoping that magic box (refrigerator) will open and a side of beef will fall out. But I'm so use to sleeping with her I feel sad without her. I do remember she use to get out of bed and sleep on the floor in the closet but I put some shelves in there so she can't do that anymore. Hopefully when it gets cooler she'll want to come back. The other day when I slept on the couch because it was cooler in the living room she slept on the couch with me all night so I've decided not to take it personally.

PLEASE LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, maybe I'm taking it a little bit personal.

When the moment is right

Yesterday morning I got to work and was going to put up the top on my car when it wouldn't budge. I tried to turn off the car and restart it and tried to pull it up myself but it was not moving. So I made a phone call to Westside VW and asked if they could help me if I brought my car in and they said yes. So when I got there Mike showed me how to turn some lever in the trunk and you can then put the top up on your own. Mike then said there was some fluid that was probably missing blah, blah, blah and all I could think of was that perhaps I could use some sort of liquid Viagra "If your top stays up longer than four hours see your mechanic." Yes, poor Bessie is suffering from Convertible Dysfunction aka "CD."

So today I'm taking old Bessie in to the mechanic to have a talk about her CD so when the moment is right the top will be ready.

Finally -- The Truth

So she did a good job with my hair cut but I'm still pissed about Anne. In fact I should have warned Kelsey (that's her name) that her time there is limited if I keep coming back to her. Perhaps that's the problem, they are just trying to get rid of me. I never thought of it that way. I suppose I am so lovely, and have such great hair, that all the other patrons just up and leave because they know they will never measure up to my beautifulness -- yes that's the problem. Well it's nice to have it out in the open.

So have I told you yet that I'm not going to Chile after all. I'm also not going swimming with the dolphins. That's life. My nephew Perry said he'll send me my wedding meal and cake but suggested that I eat it in front of a doctor. Probably a good idea. I am going to a wedding next week in California which I'm really looking forward to. Of course with this hair and loveliness I suppose the poor bride doesn't stand a chance of being the center of attention, but I guess that's the way it goes.

Thanks For Staying ... Come Back Soon.

Here are pictures of my new pals. Cameron in his catcher gear and Bradon just chillin' in his Minnesota Twins shirt.

My company has gone home. It was a great time and I hope they come back soon.

Today I'm getting my hair cut but on Friday I got a phone call from Roco Altobelli that Anne, the woman who's been cutting my hair for quite a while, left. So I have an appointment with someone new. I'm sure she's fine but I am going to have to find a place other than Roco's because it seems like every time I find someone I like they leave and I'm getting tired of that. If I go to a smaller salon I'm more likely to find someone who is going to stay or if they leave you get to find out where they've gone so you can follow them. Roco's assumes I'll just stay with them no matter what. Of course the main thing is that at the end of the day I look as beautiful as ever. And with material like me to work with, how tough can it be? No, really how tough can it be?

Now I know

why god or the universe or whatever you call it made it so women couldn't have children after a certain age. They are exhausting.

My new best friend Cameron, who is three (and a half) is keeping me going this weekend. We watched part of Happy Feet and I haven't been grilled that much since the 70s. Why is he dancing? Why is he sad? Where is he going? Why is it snowing? The last question is one I've been known to ask many times during the winter months.

Yesterday he asked me if I had a bathtub for him. He was very concerned. Thankfully I had a bathtub for him complete with rubber ducks to keep him company.

It really is nice to have people around although I have to admit it'll be nice to get back to a routine.

Freckles is the one who is really going to be happy to be alone again. She is very good with Cameron but he wants to keep her busy too. This morning he decided to build a house around her with all the cushions from the couch. Freckles looked up at me with these eyes that were screaming "help me, please help me." There were times that I felt the same way.

Tripawds rule

My new favorite t-shirt ... well actually by Schrute Farm Beets is still my favorite but this is a close second.

I have been enjoying my company. Cameron, who is 3 and knows most everything, is so fun to hang with. He loves Freckles and desperately wanted her to sleep him him but she'd have nothing to do with that.

On the other hand, I'm really tired because after trying to sleep on the inflatable mattress I realized this wasn't going to work so I slept in my lounging chair -- you may remember it from my post-surgery days. I slept in it for weeks. It's comfortable enough but I don't think you get the best night's sleep on it. And Freckles just keeps staring at me from the floor wondering what the heck is going on.

Oh well, it is, as Opie Taylor would say, "Adventure sleeepin'."

Remember When You Were Cold

I brought back this picture to remind me (and you) of those cold days of winter when we were praying for this weather because I find myself complaining about the heat and humidity and I forget when I was freezing.

I think every once in a while we should put our feet in a bucket of ice just to remind us what it could be like. Then, I guess, in winter we should set ourselves on fire -- although that seems a bit severe -- to remind us of how hot we were.

So tonight I have company coming -- my friend Lori's son and his family (wife and two sons 3 and 4 months). It should be an interesting weekend. I forget how much energy 3 year olds have. We should forget wind or solar power, we should hook children up to some machine and make them run around. That would provide electricity to millions. So wish me luck for the weekend. I'll keep you posted.

Looking Good

Went to the eye doctor yesterday for my annual check-up. My grandma and mom both had cataracts and glaucoma so I have my eyes tested every year. I have already had cataracts many years ago but so far no sign of glaucoma and yesterday that trend continued, although my left eye is getting a little more nearsighted.

The best part though, other than the fact that I went to a doctor where I didn't have to take my clothes off, was this wonderful man that I met in the waiting room. He was drawing a picture and I commented how much I liked it. It turns out he's a retired professor from the Minneapolis School of Art and Design. He showed me a picture of one of his paintings that was commissioned by a local law firm. It was gorgeous. Then he asked me what I thought it was saying. I was thinking "oh sh*t I'm about to look like an idiot" but I said it made me think of the big bang (the astronomic big bang, not the one in the 70s with this guy from, oh never mind I digress). As I was saying, I said it made me think of the big bang where there is a center and everything expands from there. So he smiled and I was waiting for him to say "No you idiot it represents mans eternal struggle against the machine" but instead he said "You are one of the few you get it right away." Well I felt so wonderful I wanted to run up and down the hallway saying "I got it, I got it" but the other patients might think it's some sort of disease that "I got."

So we had a wonderful long talk about art and jazz and creativity. I wanted to stay and talk forever but I was called in to see the doctor. And I never got his name. But oh what a nice way to spend an afternoon.

I See Dead People ... Really I think I did

So I'm walking in the park with Freckles and there is this woman sitting on a bench across the stream from where we are. She is older with a large straw hat. She looks at me and smiles and nods. Well Freckle did her business and I bent down to pick it up and when I stood up the lady was gone. Now she could have walked out of the park but I didn't see her on any of the walkways. She would have had to walk extremely fast to get out of eyesight that quickly.

So I wonder ... was she real or a ghost? Am I real or a ghost? Are you real or a ghost? Now I am off to work where, quite often, I see dull people.

Where's The Beets?

Okay it happened again. I have a t-shirt, my favorite t-shirt by the way, that says "SCHRUTE FARM BEETS." It is based on the character Dwight Schrute from "The Office." He and his cousin Mose run a beet farm. Hence the t-shirt 'SCHRUTE FARM BEETS." Now sometimes I'll get a fellow Office fan who likes the shirt but I also get the occasional person who actually thinks I work or own a beet farm. And yesterday, out walking Freckles, I got stopped to ask about beets.

The saddest one was one elderly man at Cub Foods who was so excited that I had a beet farm. He loved beets and wanted to come to my farm and get fresh beets. When I explained it was part of a TV show he didn't get it and just shook his head and said "I was sure looking forward to some organic beets."

It's still my favorite t-shirt but I think I need to learn something about beets -- I'd hate to disappoint my adoring public.

I Dreamed A Dream

of not having to go to work on Mondays. It's like when I was a teenager and my mom tried to get me up in the morning, especially in the summer -- "One more hour" I'd plead back then but now it's "One more day."

By the way, it is less than one month until my birthday -- August 18th. I just want to be sure to give you lots of notice so you can get your shopping done.

So for the story of the day. Yesterday I pull into the parking lot at Kowalski's on Hennepin Avenue. A car pulls into the spot in front of me. As I try to gather my purse and bags and find a treat for Freckles I saw the oddest thing. The guy was driving a Hyundai, probably 8 years old, with the front bumper detaching from the rest of the car, ready to fall off at any minute. The car was beat-up and a bit rusty. So imagine my surprise when the guy driving the car actually puts "THE CLUB" on his steering wheel. You would have to pay me to take your car. Mister, I really don't think anyone would see this as the car they want to boost. Let's see, there's a 2009 BMW to your left and a shiny Ford Escape to your right -- it would be like me sitting at a bar with Heidi Klum on one side and Angelina Jolie on the other side and excusing myself to go put on a chastity belt. A waste of time and hardware.

Happy Monday.

It's Off; It's On; Nope It's Off

The electricity last night. I was rinsing off some dishes when the electricity went off, then it tried like the dickens to come back on, then it went off -- for about 4 hours.

Luckily it was around 9:00 so it had cooled down quite a bit. This time I knew where my flashlight was, and my radio. I rinsed dishes in the semi-dark, did a few other things, and then took Freckles out for her evening toilette. It was pouring rain so both of us were soaking wet. She looked at me with that "What the f*ck" look. It was hot and now it was hot and damp. I took a cold shower -- this is as close to being a horny teenage boy as I will ever get. And that's good because I never planned on being a horny teenage boy. I planned on being an actress, a writer, a nurse, a stewardess, a teacher, a mother, a dancer, a Miss America, a cheerleader, and of course, a great detective but never a horny teenage boy. But I digress as usual.

Well back to Sunday and all it's glory.

Not Today, I Have A Headache

Sorry ... I still have a migraine. This heat is playing havoc with my head.

I tried to read my Facebook page and a friend wrote "I love Inception. You have to see it." Well my messed up head say "I love conception. You have to see it." And I was so afraid there was a video attached.

Luckily I read it again. Reminded me of a joke I use to tell when I did stand-up. "Whoever says life begins at conception never slept with my ex-husband." I love that joke.

See you tomorrow.

Left, Right, Left, Right -- Keep Moving You Maggot

I am as tired as I look. I went to the Twins game last night and didn't get home until almost midnight. I honestly thought the game would never end although we had a rally in the bottom of the 9th. But the Twins lost -- oh well some how I'm sure I'm responsible.

I went with my family and for some reason my brother insists on parking as far away as possible. It was about a mile away -- no I'm not kidding. I felt like I was on my own death march. First off when I was leaving the stadium some woman who was pushing her husband in a wheelchair rolled over my toes. That hurt like a b*tch. Now I was still trying to recover from Wednesday heat -- a migraine and asthma -- and I have arthritic knees and someone just ran over my toes so obviously a mile hike through downtown Minneapolis is just what the doctor ordered.

By the time I got home I was wiped out and today I'm still wiped out. Whine, whine, whine. The good news is my nephew is growing out some facial hair and -- are you ready for this -- IT'S RED. He's a redhead -- I knew it.

Happy Friday.

50 Years Ago

On July 15, 1960 around 6 in the morning Marjorie Warren was waiting on the corner for her car pool ride to pick her up. Someone came up to her and shot her to death. Many years ago I wrote a story about "famous" murders in south Minneapolis and I discovered the story of Marjorie. For some reason it stuck with me and I've never been able to get her out of my head.

I finally started a website called www.whokilledmarjorie.com. The whole story is there. I think the reason it stuck with me was that she was just an average person who knew something that got her killed. And it bothers me that it was never solved. That someone got away with this horrible crime and that she is all but forgotten. Marjorie had no children and her A-hole husband remarried about a year after her death. Many years ago I went to Slayton, Minnesota where she is buried. I was planning on going back today but the heat from yesterday gave me such a bad migraine that I knew I could never handle a six hour car trip without my head exploding -- and no matter how lovely I am, if my head exploded it would totally ruin my "look." I'll go another day.

Last month I spoke to the Minneapolis police lieutenant who is in charge of cold cases. She was asking me why I was interested and I told her that it bothered me that this woman has been forgotten and she said there are hundreds of cases just like Marjorie. I was moved because I could tell that the Lieutenant really cared about these people.

So, take a minute today and remember a woman named Marjorie. I'll appreciate it.

Happy Birthday Brett

Well today my nephew Brett is 24 -- the perfect number. This was taken a couple of years ago when he graduated from Hamline.

I have always felt that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, Brett is the reincarnation of my dad. He has his sense of humor and fun. He also likes a lot of the same things such as pool, poker, music, etc. In fact he was a music major. If you go to this link you can see him and hear him playing at his senior concert. The filming leaves a little to be desired especially when tipped on the side but hey I never claimed to be Speilberg.

So happy 24th Brett -- I love you and am very proud of you and all that mushy shit.

Happy Birthday Harrison

Today is my former boyfriend Harrison Ford's birthday. This is a picture from my 40th birthday party when my co-workers at Robins, Kaplan, Miller & Ciresi cut out pictures of Harrison, put them on a stick, and they all walked down the hall to my desk. It was hysterical. When I left there they hired a Harrison Ford look alike to come to the party. They said it was the only time I was speechless. One of the people in this picture I believe is going to end up on the Supreme Court some day so this will be an exhibit at his hearing!!

So why is he my former boyfriend -- well, of course, there is Jack Bauer and if Jack knew about Harrison I think he'd kick his ass. But mostly Harrison left his wife, not for me, but for some young, way-too-thin, thing named Calista. What the heck kind of name is that? Well, that just ended our relationship although if he showed up at my door I wouldn't turn him away. I have a license plate holder given to me by my co-workers at the Minnesota State Bar Association that says "I HAVE OCHFD" which means "I Have Obsessive Compulsive Harrison Ford Disorder." One of my neighbors here saw it on my car and Googled OCHFD. She thought I had some rare disease -- and according to the recent box office sales I guess I do.

Coke -- It's what's for breakfast

Coke Zero ... the perfect breakfast food.

Yesterday Freckles and I went with our friend Geri to Lake Harriet to eat mini donuts and popcorn and watch people. Unfortunately we had to park about three blocks from the food stand and I literally had to drag Freckles most of the way. She does not like to walk, she likes to sniff and sniff and sniff then move a foot and start all over again. I was exhausted from the event. This is why I got a buggy and I should have brought it. I've learned my lesson.

Of course when we got home Freckles was exhausted and so was I. We both fell asleep. I guess it's just as tiring to be pulled as it is to pull.

Back to work. I sure would love to have every Monday off. Come to think of it I'd like to have every Tuesday off, and Wednesday, etc. Why can't I win that old lottery?????

I Just Have To Say

These are a few of my unfavorite things:

1. That Wal-Mart guy who tells you about all the savings.

2. The Geico geiko

3. The band that plays for your credit score

4. That chick at the Progressive insurance store

5. Charlie Sheen

It's Sunday and I just had to get that off my chest. Now I can have a good day. Hope you can too.

Cried Like A Baby

I went to see Toy Story 3 (not in 3D) yesterday and I cried like a baby at the end. It was such a wonderful movie. But it cost me $10 at 4:15 in the afternoon. That's ridiculous. If you wanted to go with your kids you'd have to take out a loan.

But I'd rather spend $10 on something that I loved then spend it and see a clinker. Still ... $10!!!!!!!

Okay Mary, get over it. If you haven't seen the movie I would highly recommend it - no matter how old you are. Even the Pixar short before the movie was wonderful. There is such creativity there it makes you want to be creative (well it makes me want to be creative I guess I can't speak for all of you).

Freckles and I are heading to the dog park at Lake of the Isles. It should pretty busy today. She spends most of her time just watching the other dogs but she seems to have a good time. I guess it's like going to the State Fair, sitting on a bench, and watching people. All we're missing is something on a stick -- of course if you have a stick you'd have five dogs fighting over it.

Presto Changeo

We lost our electricity last night around midnight. I wouldn't have noticed except the fan went off and I woke up HOT (and I'm rarely hot in bed anymore). Of course I had no flashlight in my bedroom so I had to try to find my way to a) the bathroom (how does my bladder know I'm up?) and b) my kitchen drawer where my flashlight is. Let's all hope I never go blind because if I had to do this on a continuing basis I will have a lot of accidents.

So when I did get to my kitchen of course the flashlight wasn't there. I did find a candle and just as I lit it the lights came back on. It was as if I was magical. The Great Hirschdini. I won't quit my day job.

Where Have You Gone Mr. Robinson?

Last night PBS was replaying Ken Burn's documentary on baseball. Thankfully "The Bachelorette" wasn't on and "Criminal Minds" was a rerun or I might have missed it.

The episode featured Jackie Robinson and his entry into the formerly all white major league. My dad use to tell me stories about famous athletes and Jackie Robinson was one of them. He never told me that he was the first black to play or about all the abuse he had to endure, he told me that he was a great player. So when I did hear about how he was treated I remembered being shocked. It's people like Jackie Robinson who are my heroes. I love stories about people with real courage. Jack Bauer/Jack(ie) Robinson -- Do you think it's only a coincidence?

The most courageous thing I do most days is crossing against a red light. Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you would do all the things you were afraid of? Something to think about while watching "The Bachelorette" or "Criminal Minds".

A Poem

There was a little girl

Who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead

And when she was good (which wasn't very often)

She was very, very good (I have references)

But when she was bad ...

She got a DVD player, some jewelry, a condo, a sports car, etc.

Back To Work

I don't want to go back to work. I want to stay home. I want to go back to bed. I wanna hang with Freckles.

Okay, that's out of my system --- sort of.

I don't want to go back to work. I want to stay home. I want to go back to bed. I wanna hang with Freckles.

I guess it wasn't out of my system after all. I think my inner child is throwing quite a tantrum this morning. In fact I think the only thing that will make that kid shut up is a cookie or a trip to the zoo or a new bicycle. I guess today I'll have to settle for a cookie.

The Best Monday Of All

I love having Monday off. I hope someday to go to 4 days a week and have every Monday off. I believe that will be in 2025.

I've been busy decluttering and it's been rather fun. I found some things I had been wondering where they went -- like Jimmy Hoffa's body. Who knew it was stuffed in the back of that closet?

Freckles is getting totally spoiled with me being home for four days in a row. She will not be happy tomorrow when I go back to work. That will make two of us.

Well back to decluttering. I'm hoping to find Amelia Earhart.

Yankee Doodle Howdy

Happy Fourth of July. Ooooooooh, Aaaaaaaaaaaah. I'm reenacting fireworks for you.

My best friend when I was growing up lived next door. Her birthday was on the fourth of July. It was pretty cool to have someone your exact same age living next door. We were always going back and forth to each other's house. But looking back on it, it was like going from one world to another. Debbie's family was very conservative -- they listened to classical music, watched public television, and voted for Nixon. My family was very liberal -- they listened to rock and country, watched comedies, and voted for Kennedy. So when I was at Debbie's life was conservative; when she was at my house life was liberal; and when we were outside riding bikes or sliding down hills or playing kick the can it didn't matter. Maybe that's what we should do in Washington -- make all those senators and congress folks go outside and play kick the can and ride bikes and run so fast that you don't think you'll ever catch your breath. Maybe if they did that, they might not be conservatives or liberals -- they might be friends.

Happy birthday Debbie -- I'm glad we are friends.

It's Gonna Be A Scorcher

"Oh boy, it's gonna be a scorcher" was what my grandma use to say on hot days. I was out with my BFF (best friend Freckles) for a walk and you can feel it in the air.

Yesterday I took a car full of "stuff" to Value Village. I've always been a person who had a lot of stuff -- little knick knacks, movies, books, etc. but lately I really am tired of all of it. I've been listening to a book called The Happiness Project and one of the first things the writer did as part of her project was to clean out stuff. And it really hit home for me. So that's what I'm working on -- downsizing. Hey why shouldn't I go with the national trend. Besides when I finally move it will mean less to pack, less to move, and less to unpack. And I know I'm going to find things that I don't remember having or why I bought it. Wish me luck, and if you don't hear from me in three days send the National Guard because I'm probably lost in a closet.

Formal Family

I found this picture the other day. It's my dad's family. He's the guy on the right in the top row. Boy they look like a lot of fun, huh? I guess you weren't suppose to smile in family pictures back then.

We never had a formal family picture taken. In fact, except for a wedding picture here and there I don't think I have any pictures of all four of us. That's probably because my brother and I refused to stand next to each other. Oh the love.

Well it's kind of the weekend. I work at home on Fridays so I have four days out of the office. I suppose all of you are going out of town. Well that's okay because then there's more room for the rest of us who stay "in town."

Freckles and I have big plans to lay around. She's already getting a head start on me.

Drill and Chill

Happy July ... can't believe it's already here.

Last night Freckles and I were joined at the DQ by Geri for a fab-u-lous evening of ice cream sundaes. Of course, I got there too late for the show. Geri told me before I arrived there was a lady in the parking lot who was picking things up from the ground, tossing them into the air, watching them fall and then repeat. I hate it when I miss the good stuff. When we were leaving there were numerous sticks of gum laying in the parking lot that she left behind, to taunt me that I missed all the action. Oh well, maybe another day.

Prior to the DQ treat I spent two hours in the dentist chair getting fitted for a bridge. Oh what fun that was. When I'm done with this I'll have about $5,000 worth of teeth. My teeth are worth more than my car -- I wonder if I can sell them on Teeth Soup.

In the other room, having her teeth cleaned, was a woman who will be celebrating her 100th birthday this weekend. Wow, being 100 and still having teeth -- I'm impressed. Of course I heard her talking about how she fell on top of her walker and had to struggle to get off the walker and pull herself over to the phone. I felt like I was in the middle of a life alert bracelet commercial. And, I reiterate, what an invasion of patient privacy these open dentist rooms are. I also know about her high blood pressure and a few other things that are none of my business. Good thing I didn't discuss my sex change operation or that poor lady would be on top of her walker all over again.