Observations on the Nicollet Mall

This is a guest blog from my friend Geri. Yesterday she was sitting on the Nicollet Mall at lunch, eating her $1 box of popcorn, and she made these observations of what was going on around her:

1. A preacher at the corner shouting while I was trying to enjoy peace and quiet (I wanted to go up and tell him to shut his religious pie hole).

2. Turkey eaters (very sloppy men eating turkey sandwiches in under 2 minutes and then half throwing the wrapper in the garbage).

3. Cops walking, driving and biking

4. A homeless man with only a backpack and a chainsaw (very suspicious)

5. A weird guy asking me for 35 cents (why that amount?)

6. Taxi bikes or wagons (for what)

7. Too many Twins shirts

8. Many fashion don'ts

9. People crossing the street without looking and not caring that they nearly got struck by an MTC bus.

10. HAIRCUTS YOU DO NOT WANT TO COPY.

Thanks Geri -- I'm surprised you weren't attacked by all those dirty pigeons wanting your popcorn.

Happy Belated Birthdays

I was scolded by my friends Peter (in the yellow) and Sue S (on the left) for not mentioning their birthdays this year. Their birthdays fell on the weekend and I don't usually blog on the weekend so by Monday with my ancient memory the glow of their birthday had passed from my mind. Many apologies to both of you -- may I now be released from the shame?

Last night I Skyped for 30 minutes with my friend Lori's grandson Cameron. We sang songs to each other and he told me jokes and it was so much fun. I had to make up songs about a pumpkin, an orange, a tomato -- there was definitely a theme going there. Luckily I already knew a song about a watermelon so I didn't have to hurt my brain too much. I love the way a 4 year old's mind works.

Well it looks like we are in for some summer weather - I can already feel my poorly cut hair starting to expand (by the way they would not give me a do-over on my hair and so they have lost a customer). Have a good day

Nails Good; Hair Bad

That's better. I removed the whiteoutish nail polish and just let my pasty white skin represent white. Still a Yankee Doodle Dandy.

On another topic, a terrible haircut. You know one of those cuts that looks good when you are sitting in the chair but when your hair starts to grow it turns into shit. I'm going to call and see if I can get a free do-over. I'm not going to spend another $42 to repair something that wasn't right the first time -- right? Huh, they should do that?

And another topic, a sad one. One of my co-worker's dog was hit by a car and died last weekend. She is so sad and I am so sad for her too. I can't imagine my life without my pal Freckles so of course when I got home I just hugged and hugged and hugged her. Poor Freckles just wanted to go get some water but oh no mom had to hug and hug and hug her. She must have thought I was watching "Marley & Me" again.

Finally, I sat at the reception desk again - despite my better judgment - and was brought a dessert from Manny's. Well it wasn't just a dessert it was a brownie buffet. All I wanted was a little brownie and I got a gigantic brownie with a vat of whipped cream, ice cream, caramel and chocolate sauce and the biggest strawberries I've ever seen. My friend Connie and I split it and I still tossed half of mine along with the ice and whip cream, caramel and chocolate sauce - I did eat the strawberries. It was enough for 4 to 6 people. I won't be able to eat chocolate again until ... what time is it?

As Igger-Tay from Vinnie da Loo would say -- TTFN (Ta Ta For Now)

Getting Ready for the Holiday

Look -- I have Yankee Doodle digits. I hardly ever wear nail polish but I decided to go crazy for the 4th of July. I do have to admit that I don't know about white nail polish. It looks kind of like I put on white out.

Yesterday morning I was out walking Freckles at the park. There were lots of people out walking dogs and going through the park on their way to the Pride Festival in Loring Park. So we are all chatting while Freckles is pooping, peeing, rolling, repeat. As we started on our way home I noticed I had my shirt on inside out. Oh what a styling gal I am. At least I didn't have my underwear on my head or two different shoes. I'm saving that for the fourth of July holidays.

Have a happy Monday -- yeah right.

Time To Be Amazed

I'm heading out to see my BFF Annie running in the Minnesota Special Olympics. Every year I go I am amazed and humbled by the athletes who compete. And Annie is quite the competitor. The look on her face when she is at the starting line is sheer determination. So GO ANNIE, GO ANNIE, GO ANNIE.

I didn't blog yesterday because I really had nothing in my little head to blog about. I'm kind of in the same place today. I would talk about a certain movie that is opening on July 15th featuring a certain bear and his friends but my friend Peter says if I mention it he will go crazy and hurt me. So I won't mention this certain bear whose name rhymes with Vinnie da Loo just because I'm a nice person and don't want to get hurt.

Happy Friday all.

Streamline Your Morning with Mary

InStyle Magazine has an article on 10 ways to streamline your morning. When it suggested something that required a $78 headband I knew this article was written just for me.

My favorite tip was on Sunday night when I go over my calendar for the week (let's see Monday go to work, Tuesday go to work ...) I should pick out my outfits for each day and put them at the front of my closet with a DIY tag labeling what day that outfit is to be worn. You know I'm way too busy on Sunday night being depressed that it's Sunday night to go over my calendar and pick out my wardrobe.

You really want to streamline your morning here are my top 10 tips:

1. Hit your snooze alarm until when you finally get out of bed you only have 5 minutes to get ready. No time to dilly-dally.

2. Sleep in the outfit you are going to wear the next day ... sure you'll look like a mess but you have streamlined your morning.

3. Drink a gallon of water before you go to bed ... you will get up really fast in the morning (and probably a couple times before then too).

4. Sleep with a dog that hogs the bed so when you wake up you are clinging to the edge of the mattress for dear life.

5. Fix your breakfast the night before and have it at the kitchen table. Sure that cereal will be soggy, the oatmeal cold, the toast hard, the OJ warm but hey its the price you pay for a streamline morning.

6. Eat that breakfast in the shower -- yummy soap on toast

7. Set out everything you need to take with you the night before. This will allow you that extra time to look for your keys that you are sure you put right there last night.

8. Spend five minutes each morning meditating this will calm you down for 1 minute and then you'll spend the next 4 minutes meditating on how late you are running

9. Explain to your dog that you can only allot her 7 minutes in the morning to get her business done. She will understand and will be totally cooperative. No really.

10. Don't write a blog that you post on every morning. It will only derail you from that train we call streamline. Once you sit at the computer you'll be checking your Facebook account, your Twitter account (@swellgalmary), your emails (mary@maryhirsch.net), going on YouTube to watch something stupid.

Well I hope I have helped you in your quest for a better morning. Now get yourself a $78 headband and get moving.

Take That You Damn Yankee

My friend Jean bought this for me ... a yankee voodoo doll. I love it because I hate those f***** yankees. Thanks Jean, I'll use it often.

I don't recommend things too often -- I usually tell you what I hate like peas, yankees, etc. -- but I have two things to recommend.

First, is the Honeywell Tower Fan. Here is a link to it on the Target website. It is the best room fan I've ever had. It is really quiet and has different settings besides the usual low, med and I-can't-hear-a-word-you're-saying. And the air is cool like there are little penguins in there making ice cubes and then blowing air off of the ice cubes -- yep I bet that's what is going on. It also has a timer so you can have it on when you go to bed but not all night long unless you want to - very beneficial for people like me who go to bed hot and wake up cold - you can insert your own joke here. I'm going to get another one in the near future.

My second recommendation is Byerly's Tomato Rough in the deli. It is a very simple dish of tomatoes, cucumbers, celery and onions in a vinegary marinate. I could eat that all day long but my intestines would call 911 after the second serving. They don't have it all the time, I wish they did, so I call ahead and ask if they have it that day. The drawback is it is in the deli right by their homemade, clog your arteries, get the defibrillator vanilla pudding.

So tonight I will be sitting in front of my Honeywell Tower fan eating tomato rough and putting pins in my yankee voodoo doll. Summertime and the living is easy.

Pea-U

I hate peas. When I was a kid I could manage to eat frozen peas if they were bright green and hard but mostly peas are, well, pea green and soft and mushy and I just hate them.

The reason I bring this up is this weekend I bought a new frozen dinner item - orange chicken. Should be good, huh? But oh no they included "fried vegetable rice." The rice was neither fried and barely vegetable - it had carrots and yucky peas. So I spent nearly 1/2 hour picking peas out of this dish, just to be sure I didn't get one by mistake. I've done that before with vegetable soup. Why do they have to ruin a perfectly good soup with those booger balls -- yes that's what I think they look like booger balls. (Oh and by the way, don't get the Target brand orange chicken, it sucks.)

Just the idea of that horrible taste and that horrible texture gives me the heebee-jeebees. So we can add that to my list of foods I hate: mayonnaise, peas, liver, fish, beans (except jelly), milk, walnuts, etc.

When I was a kid my favorite meal was Chef-Boyardee spaghetti and meatballs followed by a Twinkie that I ate while having Lunch with Casey. I used to get that every Friday when I'd come home for lunch (we use to go home for lunch at school) and my grandma was there. Friday's my mom had her bowling league and then went to get her hair done for the weekend so my grandma would come over and be there at lunch time. It was the best. Knowing now what is in Twinkies, I couldn't be surprised if they were still in my intestines waiting to be fully digested. I believe they have a half-life of 10,000 years.

Remember only you can create a pea free America.

Father's Day, Kissing, and lowercase politicians

Happy Father's Day weekend to all. Here is my favorite picture of my dad -- well actually I can't find my favorite picture which is him wearing the hat I crocheted for him one Christmas. He was so happy to get it from me, actually he liked just about anything you would give him. That's who he was. I wish he were still here. I'd give anything to hear one more story about Hans and Frieda (he would make up stories about their adventures in the woods where almost every vine would become a snake and every stone in the river was a crocodile head) or the story about how he lost his hair (let's just say it involved a rabbit and a nap he shouldn't have taken in the woods) or to hear him laugh - oh wait I can hear him laugh when I laugh.

Okay new topic -- Go.

Two odd items in the news yesterday. First a Target Field guard apparently saw two lesbians give each other a kiss and he went all biblical on them. I figure this can only mean that "Girls Kissing Girls Night" has been canceled - no wait the St. Paul Saints are going to have it instead except it's being called "Girl On Girl Night."

Second, a MN state senator sent a Tweet that inaccurately stated what another senator had just said (notice that I now refuse to capitalize the title of anyone in politics - until they all shape up they are going to be lower case to me). It was a misunderstanding and stupid and there was no underwear pictures involved but how she started the letter gives me the feeling her heart wasn't really in it:

This letter is intended to be the written apology from me to you indicated by the Minnesota Senate Subcommittee on Ethical Conduct ...” Hoffman wrote. “I am certainly sorry for my misunderstanding of what you said and how I subsequently handled it.” [capitalization not mine]

Kind of like when you were a kid and you had to write thank you notes "Dear Aunt Mildred, My mom said I had to thank you for the socks even though they are stupid." Neither one is going to overwhelm you with sincerity.

Well on to work. Have a good Father's Day Weekend (see capital letters)

I'm An Idiot! I'm An Idiot!

Yesterday I posted a comment to a Pioneer Press story and someone called me an idiot. I feel like I've made the big time. I always told my humor writing class that if you don't tick one person off a day you aren't doing your job. Unfortunately I didn't realize the PP comment used my real name and linked to my Facebook page so I deleted it but it was nice to be an idiot in the press.

The comment? There was a sad story about a minister having an affair with a young girl in the church and I was thinking if it had been a boy people who are all up in arms about same sex marriage would use it as an example of how Sodom & Gomorrah is going to happen. It said "Good thing this wasn't a same sex affair; that would be an abomination and just plain icky -- an abominicky." I was excited I created a new word. And now I'm excited that I made someone so mad they called me an idiot. I must be doing my job.

Feeling better today. Still not hungry which I think is why that apocolypse guy might be right. I've always told my doctor when I'm not hungry it's a sign of the coming apocolypse.

Life Is A Beach - In My Head

Still not feeling great -- there is wind or waves rushing like Malibu has moved to my brain -- and there are no hot guys there so I'm not at all happy.

Freckles has started with a dog walking service. They come once a day to take her out for a potty break. When I came home last night she was really animated - I think she was trying to tell me what happened. She can't mime or speak like my friend Sue S's cats who apparently can say "oatmeal" and do some kind of mime thing too. Nope Freckles just ran around vocalizing (did you know Beagles don't bark, they vocalize) about the events of the day. I feel much better knowing that some time during the day she will get a break and see someone.

Until last night I had only been eating pretzels and Popsicles for almost three days - oh and chicken noodle soup - and I was so hungry so I thought I'm going to eat some real food. Well, take my word for it, if you haven't eaten for a while don't start with a plain cheeseburger. It was not a happy meal at all. I did make a donation to my local food self this morning. It is hell to be hungry even if it is self-imposed. The thought of anyone going without food or eating next to nothing just to keep their head above water is worse than having the surf and winds rushing through your head even if there are hot guys on the beach.

I'm Sick

Never ever take Aleve. I took it Saturday night and I woke up with a fever and chills and was throwing up. I spent all day Sunday sleeping and the only thing I could eat were popsicles. I've taken it before and had the same reaction but I thought it was a fluke -- not a fluke. Just trust me - you don't want to take Aleve. I'm going back to sleep now

Lamb in Wolf's Clothing?

I've been following this story about the wolf that the Minnesota Zoo killed and I think they could have handled it better, but I don't like zoos all that much so I think I'm prejudice. I like the idea of animals being out in the open and if they are endangered then there should be sanctuaries for them to live in, not cages -- no matter how natural the cages may look to us. Sometimes I get this image of animals coming to look at people in their cages except the cages look like cubicles and offices and we don't throw our poop at them -- well some of us don't throw our poop at them. Doesn't this picture of the ferocious wolf look like a dog out for a walk? Of course if that wolf had gotten away and then attacked a local dog I would be upset too so there is basically no pleasing me -- and let's face it, life is all about pleasing me.

My favorite statement was someone at the zoo who didn't know that a wolf could get through an opening in a fence and jump a gate -- perhaps that person should consider working at Wendy's. Of course if all the boys and girls in the sandbox we call the Minnesota Legislature don't stop acting like five year olds and come up with a budget, the zoo will be closed for the summer. For some reason I have a feeling a government shutdown would not affect their pay or benefits. I wonder WWTPD (what would Tim Pawlenty do)? Oh, he'd abandon the state to go on a book tour and test the waters for a run for president.

I think I need to take some Advil and lie down. Have a good weekend.

Thimblism

When I was a kid we use to play a game called Hide the Thimble. In case you can't figure it out on your own -- someone would hide a thimble (or some other small object) and we'd try to find it. The person who would hide the thimble would say "You're getting warmer" as we headed in the right direction or "You're getting colder" when we went the wrong way or "You're hot" when you were so close. Well I feel like Mother Nature is playing Hide The Thimble with Minnesota.

One day we are getting "colder, no colder, oh you're freezing" and the next day we are "getting hotter, really hotter, oh you're burning up." The only problem, other than shear annoyance, is I have no idea what we are suppose to be looking for. Let's see Monday and Tuesday we are in a heat index, Wednesday we have a perfect day, and well today you need a jacket. Would someone please find the *^# thimble so we can move on to another game like -- It's Summer.

Slightly Irregular - Okay Totally Irregular

A friend forwarded some old ads to me, she knows I love that stuff, and there was one for Lane Bryant's Chubbies clothing. Oh what memories that brings back. Twice a year my mom would take me downtown to Lane Bryant (I can't remember where the store was) to the Chubby Department - yes they called it the Chubby Department - and we'd buy school clothes for fall/winter and spring/summer. The Chubby Department was in the basement, of course, and back in the corner where I suppose we were suppose to hide from the normal folks. It was truly the only place in town you could get clothes for "chubby-size" children - "for girls and teens too chubby to fit into regular sizes." They should have called it the "Aren't You Ashamed To Be Seen In Public" section.

I do have to say the clothes were really nice though. They tried to have fashions that were up-to-date and even colorful despite the fact I was always told to wear dark clothes and vertical stripes. I remember a jumpsuit I got there - yep a jumpsuit - well it wasn't actually a suit because it was short like the popular culottes of the day. And it was yellow and orange. My mom tried to talk me out of it but I refused to give in, I wanted this outfit and it was one of my favorites. I never took much to the brown, black, and navy blue world the chubby section tried to shove me into. I like colors. I love to wear greens and pinks. Today I have on a bright yellow shirt. Screw the fashion police I think people should wear what they are happiest in, although I've seen some photos of Walmart shoppers who I believe should rethink their choices.

Oh and the best part of the Lane Bryant experience was when you paid for your purchases they had a pneumatic (I think that's the right word) tube at the checkout desk and they would put your payment into a container and it would suck it up and whisk it off to someplace far away from the Corner of Shame in the basement. I loved to watch that and then wait for the tube to spit out the receipt. I always wanted to stick my hand on there and find out what it felt like which is why my mom watched me like a hawk -- she knew if I got the chance I'd be shoving staplers and safety pins and whatever I could get my hands on up that tube. And, if I had the chance today, I'd still do it. Shhh, don't tell.

Men. Can't Live With Them; Pass The Beer Nuts

According to my hair it is going to be hot and muggy -- my meteorological term is hoggy. I think I should be on the Weather Channel with a hair report each day.

Now for the big news of the day -- Wienergate. I have to ask what is wrong with these guys? Wiener, Schwarzenegger, Edwards, etc. etc. In the words of Seinfeld's Elaine Benes "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things." I also wonder about the women who get into these relationships. These guys are married, move on. They aren't going to leave anyone for you and you will always be number two or three or four. And even if they do leave their wife for you, then you will always have to wonder will he leave me for someone else?

This is why I think you are better off with a dog or a book. Here are my top 10 reasons why its better to take a book to bed than a man:

1. A book won't get you pregnant
2. You don't have to pretend it's the best book you've ever read
3. You don't have to shave your legs for a book
4. You can go to sleep when you want
5. A book will be there in the morning
6. If you don't like it there are always new books waiting for you
7. A book won't leave you for a younger reader
8. A small book is as good (sometimes better) than a big book
9. Your best friend will let you borrow her book
10. No wet spots

Change Is Good

Now that I got my book on Amazon I'm working on my Fringe show. This is the postcard for the show. I'll let you decide which of these two choices I'm most likely to be wearing.

There is actually a book by this name. I bought it for $.01 on Amazon and it was well worth it just for the picture on the back. The two authors, Dr. Maryann Troiani and Dr. Michael Mercer, are seen in a naked embrace except for the lovely strand of pearls being worn by Dr. Troiani. It kind of gives me the creeps. I have never seen the author of any book I've read naked up until now. I was hoping to keep that streak going until my last day on earth - but this shot that all to hell. I'm glad other authors haven't followed suit - especially Dr. Seuss and let's not even go there.

It's suppose to get into the 90s today in Minneapolis. We've all been belly aching about the cold weather so I guess it's time to belly ache about the hot weather. Let's hope my A/C is working.

Get It While It's Cold

Finally, my book "It Can Never Get Too Cold - And Other Minnesota Humor" is on Amazon. You can get it as an ebook or you can get a hard copy (DONNA) here. I am still working on getting it on Barnes & Nobles nook site.

It is a collection of the columns I did for the Southwest Journal, Minnesota Monthly, and Law and Politics -- all about living in Minnesota.

I had a lot of fun writing these columns -- it was where I got my start as a published writer. Now I am working on my Fringe show and a new book -- all while I cure cancer, find a way to feed the hungry and work for world peace. I think I should start by taking a nap.

Happy Friday

Shhhh, I'm Praying

To Whom It May Concern:

Please let it be Saturday, please let it be Saturday, please let it be Saturday and feed the hungry and let's have some world peace.

Amen

Oh rats ... Well I guess I have to go to work and hear Ryan walk down the hall with his flip flops telling me how fast May went.

Another One Bites The Dust

I lost another stylist ... I called Rocco Altobelli yesterday to make an appointment with Kelsey and she's gone. Of course they never tell you where this person went and told me they have other people but I just said good-bye. I desperately need a haircut - or as I call it a thinning of the herd - and so I'll call again today but I hate it when people leave without my permission. This is my third person to leave from there. I'm starting to think it may be me -- no that's impossible -- who wouldn't want to cut these beautiful locks?

It's the first of June and that can only mean one thing; all day long people will be saying "I can't believe it's June already," or "Wow, May went so quickly," or "Mary you need a haircut." Happy June!