My Dinner With Andre if His Name Was Nancy and He Was A Woman

I had dinner last night with my friend Nancy (in case you can't figure it out she's the one on the right). She and I have known each other since 1983 - you do the math because it's too early in the morning for me to do so - and this picture was taken as a series of pictures I did for the attorney we worked for -- Jerry -- who was leaving for a month in Florida. I put together a book called "What We'll Be Doing While You're Gone." Why am I fondling her foot? Well to make a long story short one day Nancy was waiting for the bus on the Nicollet Mall when a man came up to her and started to fondle her foot. Now if that's not bad enough, poor Nancy didn't have the good sense God gives a gnat because she actually called me up when she got home and told me about it - I believe she was expecting some sort of sympathy. Well from that moment on, and after I told the story to Jerry, she was mercilessly teased about feet by the two of us. One time we even called and left a message for a foot massage clinic to call her about an appointment.  And at Christmas we gave her a red shoe phone -- she didn't want it so I was lucky enough to get it. I wonder what I did with that phone, it was cool. Here is a photo of it:

Pretty stylish huh? Who wouldn't want to talk on a red "F-me" pump phone? That Nancy never did know a good things when she saw it - with the possible exception of me as a friend.

It was a fun evening -- lots of laughs. I think it's always nice to get together with people you've known for so long that you are comfortable enough to spill chow mein on yourself and not worry about it. I guess that's a definition of friendship that has never been explored properly like "Love is never having to say you're sorry" from "Love Story" but instead "Friendship is never having to say you're a mess who shouldn't be allowed out in public."

Enjoy Wednesday because if you're enjoying Tuesday you're too late and if you're enjoying Thursday you're going to be so sorry when you find out it's only Wednesday.

Hope you had a nice Holimas

 Can you see the family resemblance? You can get one of these t-shirts for yourself and send me your picture.

Hope you had a good Christmas/Holiday -- Holimas.  I had a lot of fun, got some very nice gifts, and spent time with people I love. And I game out alive!!! I do believe, however, it will be a long time before I can eat another slice of ham or a cookie. Well at least a day or two.

I have today off and then back to the salt mines -- but then another long weekend. That first M-F week is going to be a tough one. Perhaps I need a week of vacation ... in the Bahamas ... make that two weeks. Of course with the warm weather we've been having I really wonder how many people are thinking of heading south. We do know, however, all warm things must come to an end.

I tried to go to a store yesterday -- what a silly girl I am. I will try again today. I also have a jug of coins that I need to take in to the bank and cash in. I save my coins all year long -- only pay with paper. That's a trick I heard from Suzi Orman. I usually end up with $300 - $400 of coins. I don't cash them in until AFTER Holimas so I don't use it for more "stuff."

Have a good day. I have to go and see if Freckles is ready to get up yet. Yesterday she stayed in bed until I finally got her up at 10:30!!!! She has an amazing bladder. Just talking about it makes me have to go -- AGAIN!!!

The Last In A Long Line of Holiday Sweaters

I'm now modeling the last of my Christmas fashions. And this is my last day at work until I return Dec 28th. Oh the blissletoe ....

I actually dreamed last night that I had a new sweater -- it was black with squares of Santa faces on it -- I wish I had that sweater, it was cool.

Tonight I'm going to Skype with my nephew from Chile. I don't use Skype too often but it reminds me of the Jetsons and their video telephones. Now all we need are flying cars and anti-gravity floors so we can dance to Jet Streamer.   I'm off to work - we're having an ugly sweater day (like I need it declared) and I'm having lunch with my blue haired lady friends.

Another Ugly Sweater and a Great Idea

 I think this outfit would win the ugly sweater contest for sure. Between the color, which is really a lime green, the reindeer, and the flashing necklace I am the queen of Christmas ugly sweaters. Long live the queen.

Had dinner last night with my cousin Tom and his wife. They are heading to South America a week from Friday for a cruise. They are going to be in Chile and will get to see my nephew Perry and his wife Camila. The cruise offers side trips at various ports -- one of them is $3,800 per person -- yes that is a side trip!! I said I hope it includes hookers and illegal drugs.

When we were talking about work I mentioned that the place where I work named all its conference rooms after different lakes (which, by the way, makes for an interesting conversation when someone says "Steve is in Harriet") and that I've found that naming suites after lakes is quite common in Minneapolis businesses. In fact, the suites at the Twins Target Field are also named after lakes. My niece said that at her job the conference rooms are named "A, B and C." Since she's a nurse my nephew and I suggested they name them after drugs. "We'll be holding our meeting in Viagra," or "Let's sit down and discuss this in Rogaine," or "Emily is waiting for us in Cymbalta." In fact, hospitals and other places could sell the naming rights to their conference rooms, lunchroom, lobby, etc. The "Oscar Meyer Lunchroom" might sell as much bologna as is spoken in the hallways. The "Trojan Lobby" would keep unwanted "guests" from passing. And, really, who wouldn't want to do their business in the "Office Depot" de-potty?

With ideas like this I don't understand why I'm not in the "Pearle Vision" corner office with a great view.

Less than a week to go

Here's today's entry in the Christmas outfits --- a stunning vest featuring holly, snowflakes, Santa, a stocking and a Christmas tree. I have two more sweaters I've yet to wear and of course there is my set of antlers. Oh you have so much to look forward to this week. You probably won't be able to sleep in anticipation of seeing the outfit du jour of the day -- I saw that once on a menu "Soup du jour of the day."

Finished my shopping on Saturday and wrapped and mailed my one box of gifts to go on Sunday so if it was 1988 I'd celebrate with a bottle of wine, perhaps a margarita and a beer chaser but since it's 2011 I celebrated by taking a nap.

I noticed that this year I really didn't find myself saying "next year I'll finish shopping earlier" or "next year I'll send my cards sooner" or "next year blah, blah, blah." Perhaps its with the end of the world looming over us as the Mayan calendar comes to an end -- which I only think means that the Mayans found something better to do than make calendars or they ran out of Mayan swimsuit models to put on the calendars but I digress -- where was I? oh yes the end of the world and my lack of "next yearing" -- perhaps what is really behind my not thinking about how much better I'll be next year is that I have a firm grip on the fact that this is probably not going to change unless I fall, hit my head, and wake-up believing I'm Martha Stewart or Rachel Ray or a character in a Hallmark movie.

Speaking of movies, I went to see "Chipwrecked" with my friend Annie who LOVES the chipmunks. If it wasn't for the fact that I love to spend time with Annie, even in a dark movie theater watching what can only be described as one of the worse movies ever, I'd be petitioning the movie studio for a refund and those 1-1/2 hours of my life back.

If you are in the mood for a new old Christmas song that belongs in the ultra lounge category I heard That Holiday Feeling by Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gormet on the radio and had to download it at iTunes. It's a martini feeling song that may help you forget you ever heard "The Christmas Shoes" or any of those songs of my most despised Christmas song list.

Have a good Monday and get ready for a new ugly Christmas sweater tomorrow.

A Review of Last Night's Party

Do  you think the American Dental Association gets miffed every year when Rudolph is shown. I mean it depicts dentists as misfits. I see a potential libel law suit in the future. The ADA v. Santa -- we're not misfits.

But one of the main topics of conversation came when Sue brought us the Argyle cartoon that was in the paper that day. If you look closely it appears that Santa's bedmate is a guy. Well this should be the topic of the next Republican debate. The liberal media is now portraying Santa as a homosexual.

Let's think about this -- he is a snappy dresser, likes to wear his "gay apparel," spends a lot of time at shopping malls, seems a little obsessed with naughty people, and goes to a lot of holiday parties. He could be gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. 

And the other big topic from last night is how Myrna's mother-in-law answers the phone. She says hello like Squiggy from Laverne & Shirley. Now we all want to call her just to hear her answer the phone and then hang up. We are a sick group and should probably never get together again. By the way, Sue, you left your green bag here.

Some Gift Ideas From The Past

 Here are some gift ideas from the past. They will warm the cockles of your heart -- if you are Newt Gingrich or Rick Perry. Speaking of warming the cockles of your heart -- what is more Christmasy than Santa and a machine gun. I believe this is where the new holiday hit "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer And Then She Retaliated With Gunfire" came from. Talk about "You'll shoot your eye out"!!!

I'm taking off work today to do some shopping and finish up my cards, etc. My friends Peter, Sue & Myrna (who used to be the other Sue until I changed her name) are coming over for our annual Reindeer Games celebration. We eat, laugh, watch Rudolph, laugh, eat and -- you get the picture. There is always the discussion of why the doll is on the Island of Misfit toys (I think she has syphilis) and the singing of "Why Am I Such as Misfit." I have a collection of talking Rudolph characters that I've had for many, many years. This year I am sending them home with Myrna. She has three kids at home 10, 7 and 3 and I think they'll have a lot of fun with them. It's kind of like a scene from Toy Story when the toys get to go to a home where they'll be played with instead of left sitting on a shelf for a few weeks a year. It's part of my effort to start "thinning the herd" of crap that I have. I believe "crap" is the exact term interior designers use when referring to items that sit on shelves or in boxes in closets.


Have a fun day ... I'm off to stimulate the economy.

Christmas Music I Hate (and Love)

Well if you hated my snowflake shirt you're probably going to hate this too but it's time for ugly and odd Christmas sweaters to make their appearance. This is my favorite because it is bright and cheery. I have a lime green sweater with reindeer on it and bells -- that one is scary but, of course, I love it.

I have finished my Christmas cards - at 11:00 last night. I just need to go to the post office and get stamps and off they go. Last year I never got around to sending cards so I'm glad I got 'er done this year. Of course it cut into my baking and craft time so there will be fewer homemade goodies and adorable crafty things this year but we all have to suffer.

And speaking of suffering, I know I've said this before but I have to say it again, there are some "holiday" songs that should be tossed into the incinerator and never heard again. I include:

1. The Christmas Shoes - so depressing it makes you want to impale yourself on a yule log.
2. I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas -- who the hell wants a hippo for Christmas? Some rich kid who already has everything else in the world?
3. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus -- I'm waiting for some hip-hop remake of this song and mommy will not just be "kissing" Santa Claus in this version. The child will be scarred for life.
4. The Little Drummer Boy - except for the David Bowie and Bing Crosby version. Otherwise it is boring -- pa rum pa pum pum
5. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer -- I believe this song is sponsored by the law firm of Call Gary.
6. Please Daddy Don't Get Drunk This Christmas -- John Denver sings this uplifting little ditty.

Now here are some Christmas songs I love and that you may have never heard but I suggest you find them:

1. Nothing's Gonna Bring Me Down at Christmastime -- Randy Travis
2. Let It Be Christmas -- Alan Jackson
3. A Red and Green Christmas -- The Muppets
4. Another Christmas Song -- Stephen Colbert (yeah that Stephen Colbert - if you've never seen his Christmas special rent it)
5. Christmas Queen -- Miss Piggy
6. Gettin' In The Mood (For Christmas) -- Brian Setzer 
7. That Holiday Feeling -- Steve Lawrence and Edye Gormet (that one who sings one of my other favorite songs - Blame It On The Bossa Nova)
8. Lord's Bright Blessing -- from Mr. Magoo's Christmas
9. Cherry Cherry Christmas -- Neil Diamond
10. The Christmas Wish -- John Denver & the Muppets

So stay away from 6 songs and find 10 new songs based on the recommendation of Mary Christmas

More Gift Ideas for Christmas

 Here are some more great gift ideas for you:

First there are toothbrushes that already have toothpaste in them. Just put under some water and you are good to go.

How incredibly lazy could a person be that he or she needs pre-pasted toothbrushes. Perhaps we could get pre-wadded toilet paper.

Then there is the bottom bank. It's not bad enough that you have to stick coins into the backside of what I believe is a plumber at work but, and here's the strong selling point, when you put a coin in the bank makes a farting noise. I guess if you want to force your children to save money this would be a good idea -- they would be putting money in there all day long.

On the positive side, I think this would be a great tip jar to have at the reception desk of a proctologist. I often wonder if proctologists find their jobs as amusing as the rest of us. Do any of them actually get a license plate that says "ASSMAN"?

And finally there is the macabre gift to remember a loved one. I found this one that actually featured my name. I'm thinking of buying it for

my niece or nephews to have when the time comes. There is a poem called "Don't Cry For Me I'm Spending Christmas In Heaven." The first time I heard it I wanted to run out of the room. I was at a club meeting in December. I had been hired to do some stand-up for their holiday party. They were having dinner when the president of the club stood up and announced that "We all know that we lost one of our most popular and active members a few days ago. Let's take a moment to share memories we have of her." This was followed by 15 minutes of stories, someone singing "Amazing Grace" and then someone reading "Don't Cry For Me I'm Spending Christmas In Heaven" after which the president said "And now I'm pleased to present comedian Mary Hirsch." Well at this point everyone was crying and I wanted to run out of the room. But, being the professional that I am, I went on with the show.  I am still available for parties and funerals.

Freckles Meets The Big Guy

"Santa -- I know him!"

Well I finally went around the bend -- I took Freckles to see Santa Claus. Yep, I'm officially a crazy lady (but not as crazy as the Target lady). It was pet night at the Rosedale Santa station and there I was standing in line with about five other people with dogs and parents with kids who didn't look too pleased that they had to wait even longer in line because people were there with their dogs.

She told Santa this year she wanted her mom to take her to work with her, a new leg, more rides in the car, and a lot more treats. Yep, I heard her say that --- around the bend and over the bridge I've gone.

The oddest part - for me - was walking through Herberger's with my dog. She was so good and walked without stopping -- I guess there aren't as many good smells at Herberger's as there are outside. She really is such a good girl I should be able to take her anywhere I go like work, movies, dentist, shopping - although I wouldn't take her to the grocery store. I'd never get her out of the meat department.

Yep, it's time for Mary to take a long nap -- perhaps in a padded room somewhere.

Yes, I'm a Flake

Well I guess I can breakout my snowflake sweatshirt. I've been waiting because it is the most comfortable shirt in the world -- although I wore it way too long last winter and someone at work, who was as tired of snow as I was, said perhaps I should burn it and the snow would stop falling -- but, as those of you with more than 3 brain cells can see, I didn't do that.

I'm now totally into Christmas -- I knew it would happen. I just needed to give it time (and increase my meds).  Yesterday I found a great flash mob video that was done at the Carlson School of Management. About 300 people from the school of music showed up to entertain or annoy the business school students. I believe the business school students are planning a flash mob at the school of music later this week where they will be discussing the costs associated with the 12 Days of Christmas and how one could market each day separately, bundled, or as a Groupon.

In case you haven't seen this before I thought I'd regift this list:
 

Mary Hirsch’s List of The Top 10 Least Favorite Holiday Movies

10. Rudolph The Incredibly Co-Dependent Reindeer

9. It’s A Sucky Life And I Wish I Was Never Born – An After School Special

8. The Santa Divorce Clause Or How Mrs. Clause Got Her Groove Back.

7. Charlie Brown Gives Up On Christmas And Focuses On Building Up His Savings So He Can Get Out Of This Town With No Pity

6. Frosty Vs. Zamboni – The Holiday Grudge Match

5. Pay It Forward For The Next 36 Months At 18% Interest Accumulating Daily

4. How The Grinch Stole Christmas And Then Pinned It On Cindy Lou Who Who Is Now Doing 10-20 In The Big House

3. Matlock On 34th Street

2. Crouching Elf; Hidden Reindeer

1. Run Prancer It’s Sarah Palin In A Helicopter

Me and My Home Are Looking Good

I just wanted to let you see that, as my friend Joni put it, I clean up nicely. This is from Saturday when I went to my office's holiday party. It was at formal affair at the International Market Square (hey, that rhymes). One of my favorite things about the parties is that we have valet parking available. It's nice to be able to wear the shoes you want without having to worry about the snow and slush. Well, when it came time to get my car the guy left and then came back to tell me that my key wouldn't unlock the car.  So we headed out into the parking lot -- in the slush and the snow -- to try to get my key to work...in the wrong car. Oh well, so much for valet service.

I finally got everything up for Christmas on Saturday. It looks nice. I'll take some pictures and post them so you can see that I'm the crazy Target lady when it comes to decorating. I have no idea why, but I love all the bling and knick-knacks and props associated with the holidays. My friend Jean says it looks like Christmas threw up in my living room. I can live with that. Now that the decorations are up I can settle in and watch one of my 14 Christmas DVDs. As my pal Charlie Brown would say "Oh brother."

Mary Meets the Angry Birds

On the first day of December Mother Nature gave to me -- snow. But not too much - thank you.

Did I tell you that I now have a Kindle Fire? I won it at my company's employee recognition event. Pretty nice, huh? Well I've discovered Angry Birds and just how much time one can spend/waste trying to knock over some pigs but flinging birds in a slingshot. If you don't know it's a lot of time. Just one more game; just one more level; just let me get this one and I'm done -- oh yeah. It's like electronic M&Ms -- just one green one; just one blue one; just one yellow one and I'm done -- oh yeah.

Isn't it amazing how easily we (and by "we" I mean "me" but I don't want to appear selfish so you all get to be as neurotic as I am) can get obsessed with something. I know people who are obsessed with all sorts of things that on the surface would appear harmless -- a singer, exercise, gardening, a certain television show that is no longer on the air that featured an incredibly hot man named Keifer, work, sport -- but when it's in the wrong hands/mind it becomes an obsession. And then that obsession becomes a Calvin Klein perfume and that perfume becomes a television ad and that television ad should be on during "24" but that stupid Fox canceled it and ruined my life and then ... oh look a shiny object.

Well, happy December.