BOO!

Well once again I've decided not to celebrate Halloween ....

Did you make your own costumes when you were growing up? We did. I was a football player (using my brother's equipment), a spy, a martian (antennas made from aluminum foil), a hobo, and others. I don't remember ever having a store bought costume -- I probably did but I don't remember it.

I remember wearing my Halloween socks to work one year and someone told me that Halloween was a satanic holiday. OMG, it is one of the most fun times of the year for kids and adults and someone has to come along and piss on it.

So speaking of Halloween, Freckles wanted to send her greetings:

 

Have a fun day and remember no matter what it says on the wrapper -- those tiny packages of candy are not the FUN SIZE, this is the fun size:

A "Fashion" Rant

For some odd reason an ad for Temple dresses keeps popping up on my Facebook page and I couldn't take it any longer -- these are dresses that are suppose to be worn in the mormon temples (and yes I have not capitalized mormon on purpose the same way I do not capitalize yankees). I just have to say WTF? You know I heard about the magic underwear that mormons are suppose to have under their heathen clothes but what is this about? It says "Women's Clothing" but it's not -- it's "Little House on the Prairie Walnut Grove Annual Virgin Parade" clothing. All these women are missing is a sacrificial volcano and they are ready to go. Oh and isn't it sweet that they are barefoot. That one on the left better get inside ... I think she's showing a little too much neck.

I'm not big on any organized religion but this is right up there with the 7 year old girls who dress like little brides when they take their first communion or women who have to keep themselves covered up so they don't "tempt" men with their ... upper arms and wrists I guess. Do you see what happens when you let men dictate what you wear -- I mean straight men (or at least men who are pretending to be straight). Yikes.

Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200

I have to go to court today regarding my condo and I'm trying to look as angelic and innocent as possible. Somehow I don't think it's working. I hope my next post won't be from the county jail!!!!!!! Too bad my ex-husband isn't alive, he could come and visit me instead of me visiting him. That would be a hoot.

Of course I just read about Denny Hecker's first year in jail where he spends his time walking around in the garden and playing cards with other inmates/guests. And he asked his attorney for quarters so he can get an ice cream cone from the vending machine. You mean in prison you can get an ice cream cone for a quarter? That doesn't seem fair. I want an ice cream cone for a quarter!!!

I'm really nervous about this but it will probably be okay. You know I should be wasting my time thinking about important stuff like a cure for cancer, world peace and what is going to happen on tonight's episode of Revenge. That is such a good show if you haven't been watching it try to catch up and start watching it -- it's kind of like Dallas meets Cold Case meets Alias. What was I talking about? Oh yeah I remember - ice cream cones.

If you don't hear from me soon please send me letters care of the county jail.

I Finally Found Religion

Dear World -- Meet my new favorite t-shirt.

Love,

Mary

Oh oh it's coming

Well I've seen the three signs of winter:

1) the ponds at the park by me have been drained and are now filled with old dried up leaves

2) the radio said the word "flurries" this morning (talking about Tuesday morning -- yuck, that's tomorrow)

3) I wore my first plaid flannel shirt on Saturday

Oh well, we knew it was coming, but not yet. I think we should wait until December 21st.

It was a nice weekend -- a trip to the bank, a trip to the library, a trip to the cemetery -- truly what more could anyone ask for other than a trip to Bermuda, a trip to a 5-star restaurant, a trip to the library. Hey I love the library.

I think libraries are the best places in the world. Imagine, you can go in and take out a bunch of books with the mere promise that someday you will bring them back. And not just books but music and movies and magazines. My friend Myrna (formerly known as Sue G-K) doesn't like books from the library - she doesn't like books that other people have touched. Bookstores love people like Myrna. But I like old books that I know have been read by lots of people before me. And I really love old old books that are kind of worn out because you know they've seen a lot of action. When I was a kid a trip to Linden Hills library was a weekly event. It was an old brick library and it smelled like a library - like old books.

The kids section was downstairs. The walls had bookcases that were just high enough that you had to be on tiptoe to reach the top shelf or there were wooden stools you could stand on. I was only allowed to bring home 5 books because my parents knew I'd bring home a suitcase full if given the chance. For some reason I can remember the thrill of finding The Blue Dolphin there. I guess I was crazy for dolphins then too. And back then the library would never carry anything like Nancy Drew or the Bobbsey Twins -- those were not of the high quality that libraries insisted on so I had to save my allowance and buy them myself.

Well off to work. Have a good day and look out for flurries.

I Don't Want To Get Up -- Really

Shhhhh don't wake the sleeping beauty

It is 6:00 in the frickin' morning and I'm showered and dressed and insanely happy to be up at this time -- yeah right.

I have to leave here around 6:40 to set up a table at a conference -- holy middle of the night batman -- this is painful.

Poor Freckles will be here for 12 hours but I've arranged for two dog walks so that will help. I would have taken her to doggy day care but you can't even start to drop off pets until 6:45.

I know I'll want to take a nap at my desk, or under my desk. Oh well - quite your complaining Mary.

Yesterday at work I could not get the song "Dancing Queen" by ABBA out of my head so I sent an email to everyone and declared in ABBA Afternoon. Many people thanked me for getting that song stuck in their head -- you're welcome. Oh is it in your head now? You're welcome too.

Last night I must have been worn out from all my disco dancing because I fell asleep and missed the ending of Revenge. Luckily it will be available ON DEMAND by Infinity or Xfinity or Huckleberry Finity.

Well I better get going before the sunrises and I turn into a vampire or stop being a vampire or a vampire turns into sugar and melts or whatever is suppose to happen at sunrise.

Nothing To Bat A Lash At (If you had any lashes)

 Perhaps someone can explain to me why we have discovered a "cure" for short eyelashes but people are wandering around with cancer, diabetes, or hundreds of other chronic diseases. What kind of company thinks of this crap? Well when I looked up Latisse, I discovered its the same people who brought us Botox, Juviderm, and breast implants.

I understand and appreciate the breast implants for women who are having breast reconstruction after a masectomy. (For crying in the beer why doesn't Google recognize the word "masectomy"? Oh, perhaps its because it is actually spelled mastectomy -- never mind.) But I have to wonder why a group of scientists who have the education and skills to perhaps discover a drug that fights a devastating disease are asked to work on cures of short lashes and wrinkles. Oh, I know, I know the answer -- MONEY!!! Yes, they can play on the insecurities of women (and men) who are getting older and tell them they will be happier if they have fewer wrinkles and more lashes.

The same company, Allergan, has products that really help people especially with eye problems like glaucoma. So why waste your time on eye lashes? Okay, perhaps I'm just annoyed with the commercials and don't understand the pain of short lashes -- well actually I understand short lashes, but not the pain. I don't care. I have never found myself thinking --  "Man, I wish I had longer lashes,""If I only had better eyelashes I never would have been laid-off," or "Longer eyelashes would really help me with this project I'm working on."

So now I'm off to work where despite my short lashes I hope to do an adequate job. Now, if I only had breast implants ...

Dingleberry Alert

There are a lot of commercials that make me crazy but the Charmin bears are up at the top of the list. Last night this stupid commercial came on where the mama bear (notice it's always the mama bear - apparently papa is off somewhere looking for pic-a-nic baskets) is busy chastising her child for having pieces of Charmin left on his butt.

Now, first off let's just admit we are very proud of a bear with no opposable thumbs being able to get paper off those rolls much less just being willing to use TP. You'd think his mother could be proud of him but nooooooooooooooooooo she has to stomp on his self-esteem because there are "pieces" leftover.

Second, what mother or father checks their child's butt for cling-ons? I just couldn't believe it so I called my friend who has 3 kids under the age of 10 and asked her "Do you check your kids butts for leftover pieces of toilet paper?" Perhaps I should have said "hello" and "how are you" before I blurted out this question but I didn't want to forget the reason why I called. Well she told me emphatically that she did NOT check such things -- she also told me that her sister-in-law chews a stick but that's another story.

Now while this is probably the stupidest commercial on TV (okay the stupidest one is the Arby's commercial where the guy licks another guy's face without the other guy killing him) but it does answer one very important question humanity has been asking for a long time: the Pope is Catholic and bears do shit in the woods - but they don't clean up too well.

Animal Farm

I went to see Dolphin's Tale on Saturday with Annie. I love dolphins and wasn't going to miss this film but oh brother am I a sap ... we weren't more than 5 minutes into the movie when I was crying. There's something about animals that pushes all my buttons. I went through a vegetarian stage a couple of years ago. I keep feeling that I should try it again. Of course, I wonder what would happen to cows and pigs and chickens if the world were vegans. Would they become extinct because its not like they would make great pets -- except for pigs, I've heard they actually make good pets. I just have this image of cows wandering the prairies and people taking their pigs to pig parks and chickens taking over the tarmacs of airports all over the world. And all that poultry would be chasing my friend Sue who has been known to be attacked by a goose.

And speaking of Sue (and I'm speaking of Sue S), I owe her a retraction. In my Wednesday post I said that she was the one who all of a sudden said "Speaking of Highway 100" when actually it was Sue G-K who apparently said that. I've decided one of the Sues will have to change their name so it is easier for me to recall who said what. So Sue S and Sue G-K one of you will now be known as Myrna -- you two can decide which one but that's just that way it has to be.

So let's recap -- Dolphin Tale -- good movie go see it; Pigs and Cows -- take over the world; Goodbye Sue -- hello Myrna. Have a good Monday.

Lunch With The Boss

Yesterday I had lunch with Jerry, the attorney I worked for almost 25 years ago. It's amazing they would hire me with the child labor laws and all but I guess I was mature for a 7-year-old (yeah right). And my friend Nancy who also worked for Jerry came to lunch too. Nancy, by the way, is a half a decade older than me so she was 12 at the time. I won't mention Jerry's age because he would hurt me.

Working for Jerry was quite an adventure. I remember when I bought a new car and was telling people about it. It was a Plymouth Sundance. Jerry says "What's a Sundance?" and I twirled around and shouted "Here comes the sun." Then one time he was giving me a ride home because I had to work late and we were going by a different route than I was used to. I said "Is this how you always drive home?" and he says "No, usually I sit in the trunk and just hope I get there." We both learned to be careful how we phrased questions. There were lots of laughs and lots and lots and lots of work.

One time I was sitting in his office with the door closed. He was trying to tell me some things he needed done and people kept knocking on the door and coming in. Finally one attorney just came in without knocking and I said in frustration "Wow it's a good thing we aren't having an affair" and Jerry says "I wouldn't even have time to take my shoes off" the attorney's face was getting rather red by this time so I added "Oh Jerry, you don't have to take off your shoes." I don't think he ever came in again.

But what really finished him was when I would do my Shirley Temple imitation singing "On the Good Ship Lollipop." So one day he was after me about something I had done wrong and I went into my Shirley Temple routine "Golly gee Mr. Pederson I'm sorry I mad you cross. I feel so bad." Well that finished him off -- still does.

I have a lot of Jerry stories. We are opposites in most everything, especially political, but we are still friends and he always makes me laugh. Oh and we both love dogs. I'm looking forward to our next lunch.

Cheeseburger in Paradise

Convention Grill

Last night I went to dinner with friends I use to work with at Norwells Farwestgo (okay when I started working there it was Norwest and when I left it was Wells Fargo). We went to the Convention Grill in Edina and oh was it good -- cheeseburgers, fries, malts, ice cream sundaes, salads?!? -- there's one in every crowd.

Of course Peter ordered a salad because he had already had dinner because he forgot we were going to dinner despite our email discussion earlier that day. So when he wasn't there I called him and he came racing over in an orange shirt - I don't know why that's important except I sure do remember that orange shirt. I hope we got his laundry done when he got home because the tile guy is coming today and apparently you can't do laundry when the tile guy has been to your house.

As always, it was a lot of fun and a lot of laughs. Sue G-K told us about 4-D sonograms (we didn't understand either) and Roscery (that's a combination of Rosary and Grocery) beads and Sue S told us how her cat speaks French (when he isn't miming or asking for oatmeal) and out of no where says "Speaking of Highway 100." Apparently the voices in her head were talking about Highway 100 because we weren't.

I, of course, was the voice of reason -- it's getting so hard for me to be the only sane person in this group but I feel it's my civic duty to keep spending time with them. I'm feeling one of my Mother Teresa/Gandhi moments coming on. Okay it's passed.

I now must go out and wreak havoc on the world. Enjoy.

Dances With Dustmops

Welcome back summer?!?!?

Of course this is my fault -- this weekend I put my summer clothes away and took out the fall/winter selection and POOF it's summer again. You can send your thank you notes to me any time now.

Not only did I switch out my "wardrobe" I rearranged the furniture in my bedroom. I've been wanting to do that for quite a while but kept thinking that it was a waste of time if I was going to be leaving here. But I decided I will be here for a while and I might as well enjoy myself.

I can't believe how many socks I found when I moved furniture. And I didn't find dust bunnies, I found killer dust buffaloes roaming the Hirsch prairie. And at times it was less roaming and more stampede. It was like that scene from Dances With Wolves except Kevin Costner didn't show up and no animals were harmed in the cleaning of my room.

So it's going to be a nice day -- go forth and party.

Happy Birthday Geri

Last night I went to a celebration for my friend Geri's birthday (which is today). I won't say which one but she is older than me and that's what is really important. Okay I'll give you a hint -- if she was dyslexic it would be her 16th birthday. That's all I'm going to say.

Two of the people at the party were friends she made on the bus -- two different routes. That's Geri -- while the rest of us sit on the bus and try to pretend no one else is there, Geri makes friends for life. She has that gift to make friends everywhere. Now at times this is a curse like when she made friends with the guy at the parking lot and then started dating him and he eventually told her he learned all his love making skills from Satan. Or the time she went to a party and ended up driving home in the dead of winter wearing nothing but a shirt and her date's boxer shorts. Or the time she went on a ski trip with a singles group and some guy kept spying on her from behind a potted plant (and by the way she doesn't ski). Or the friend who told her that about some worm hole in Mexico and the end of times. Or, or, or .... I could go on and on. Let's just say Geri has a way with people. So Happy Birthday my friend thanks for letting me be part of your crazy life -- I'm enjoying the ride.