I Won't Make You Sick

My entire life seems to be consumed with the Fringe Festival. I wonder if other people who are doing shows are this overwhelmed with work and worry. It kind of sucks the fun out of the whole thing. But last night, for the first time, I was getting excited for the show. Things are all coming together finally and I don't think the show is going to suck or blow chunks. That would make a great review:

"Change Your Underwear, Change Your Life is a show that will make you laugh. It doesn't suck and it doesn't blow chunks. You won't need a barf bag so go see it."

Oh I can only dream. If you are in the Twin Cities, I hope you will come to see it. You can get more information on the website. And if you are starting to get tired of hearing about it just think it's almost over and we can get back to normal posts like how hot it is, how cold it is, how I can't find my iPod -- really stimulating topics like that.

Knock Knock

On Sunday I went to a birthday party for my cousin's granddaughter Brooke -- it was her first birthday. She lives in Florida so it was fun to see her in person -- I've been watching her grow on the internet. I got her the best gift a one year old living in Florida could get - Twins, Gopher, and Vikings t-shirts. She will now be properly dressed.

My cousin lives in Eden Prairie. If I ever have to enter the witness protection program I'm going to go live with my cousin because no one will ever find me, even if they have the address. Yikes, that is a city filled with courts, blvds, roads, circles, avenues and they all have one name Prairie Court, Prairie Blvd, Prairie Road, etc. It is very confusing. I tell you this to try to minimize what I am about to tell you now.

I've been to my cousin's house a few times. It sits on top of a hill and the backyard is woods and a creek -- Purgatory Creek -- really. I get to the house, on time, and there are cars in the driveway so I know I'm not first but there's a spot for me right at the bottom of the driveway - in the shade - so I nab it. I get my gift and walk up the driveway and am greeted by a dog. I don't remember Kathy having a dog, but my memory isn't what it use to be. The front door is open but I knock on the screen door to be polite. I can hear music out back so I figure that's where everyone is because it is such a nice day. I knock again and say "Hello, Hello" and when no one comes to the door I just let myself in. "Hello, Hello" I say again as I head to the kitchen. Then I look and see a picture of the family on the wall -- a family I don't know and I see a kitchen that doesn't look familiar and I realize -- I'M IN THE WRONG HOUSE.

Just as I try to sneak out, before the police arrive, a woman comes into the kitchen. I said "I'm so sorry but I'm in the wrong house." I tell her who I'm looking for and she tells me they live one culdasac to the right. OMG. I kept apologizing. She tells me they get my cousin's mail all the time -- the house numbers are only 1 digit off -- but she didn't tell me strangers come wandering into her house.

I continue to apologize as I leave and move as quickly as my body will let me to my car. I remember an episode of "Monk" where he is in the wrong house and they end up putting him into a sanitarium. And once again I realize that I should not be let allowed to mingle with the general population.

Have a good day and try not to commit a felony by breaking and entering.

The Big 100,000

My car hit 100,000 yesterday. I was on the highway when it hit 99,997 so I pulled off the highway and drove around a parking lot for 3 miles so I could take this picture. I'm an idiot -- but a cute one.

It was almost exactly 10 years ago that I got my car too. It had around 34,000 miles when I bought it so as you can see I don't put a lot of mileage on my car. This included me driving to California and back, to Rush City and to Nebraska. If I hadn't taken those trips it would probably be at 35,000. I'm like the old lady who only drives her car to church except I don't go to church so I guess I would have to only drive it to the casino or liquor store or some such story.

So happy 100,000 Bessie -- I hope we both make it to 200,000.

Just 28 Days To Live

I got this letter the other day. It makes me so mad that they use this shame based, guilt trip, marketing that I wouldn't give them money even if I had any money to give.

And I get these all the times, mostly pictures of pathetic animals. There was one with a picture of a baby coyote and it said something like "What will he do when his mother is killed by hunters?"

And they know it gets to me, it really does. I read once that you need to find one or two charities to support and concentrate on them. I give to the United Way which I hope covers a lot of charities but I do need to fine a couple that I would focus on. I believe my friend Peter would suggest the Finish Peter's Basement Fund but I'm thinking of something a little more substantial.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a lot of money and you could help a lot of groups? But since I don't have a lot of money I think it would be better for me to become more selective.

Perhaps I should put my picture on an envelope and send it back to these people. "Just 28 Days To Live Unless You Stop Sending Her Donation Requests." That would be an interesting letter to send out.

Too Hot to Think

It's too hot to write or think or do much of anything. I slept on my couch because the bedroom is too hot. I'm not sure which is worse, being too hot in a comfortable bed or being cool on a not so comfortable couch. Freckles is laying on her bed, half on and half off with her tongue hanging out. It's just how I feel.

I don't want to go outside, but I guess Freckles will insist on doing so. She is so selfish. Well I better treat her well because when I get my electricity bill we will be sharing food for a while.

Keep cool daddy-o.

Big News In Forsyth County

I think the person who writes the headlines for the Forsyth County News is either very naive or has a great sense of humor.

It's hard to write or think about anything other than how hot it is -- oh here's a different topic -- how will I ever pay my electricity bill? It is going to be sky high. But it will be worth it. I'm reading on Facebook the posts of a couple of people who don't have A/C and I can't imagine how they can get through this crap. I remember my mom telling me of one summer when it was this kind of heat, sometime during the 30s, and of course no one had air conditioning -- the entire family slept in the cellar because it was the coolest place in the house. And we didn't have A/C when I was growing up. I remember waving a window fan in my bedroom that would blow right on me and I survived. I guess I've become a wussy, which rhymes with "cat," which brings us back to the headline of the Forsyth County News.

Keep cool.

Want Some Insurance? Click on My Testicles

I'm not sure if I should be happy or disappointed that my age isn't in the crotchial area. Do people really click on these things? Do they think they will win an iPad or a car or a trip? Who wants to buy insurance from a company that has a cop covered with age spots?

I have to say it ... hot enough for you? For those of us with asthma and other lung diseases this is scary hot (I think that was one of the Spice Girls wasn't it?). I went to my brother's house last night for a birthday dinner for Brett and I thought I would die on the walk between the house and the car -- both coming and going. When I was leaving my brother told Brett to walk me out to my car and carry anything I had. I thought he told Brett to carry me out to the car. OMG, I thought, why did he want to kill his son???? Yes Brett happy birthday, fling your overweight aunt over your shoulders in this unbelievable heat and haul her out to the car.

I hope the building where I work had sense enough to run the AC during the weekend or it is going to be a 17 floor high crock pot in there.

Happy Birthday Brett

Happy 25th birthday to my nephew Brett (he's the one on the left as if you probably couldn't figure that out on your own). Can't believe he's 25. I remember the morning he was born. I was called to come over to the house because Fran (his mom) was in labor. Poor Fran is pacing all over the place and my brother is busy gathering papers to take with him to drop off on the way to the hospital. If I was in labor and my husband was gathering papers I would be gathering his will -- that's all I have to say.

Going to the Twins game tonight, hopefully it won't get rained out. I have a birthday greeting scheduled for the Twins board but shhhhhhhh it's a secret.

You Too Can Make Money When You're Dead

Well I've seen it all ... until tomorrow or perhaps later today ... PETA is selling coffins, coffins that advertise their cause. I think I might have to walk out of a funeral that has an ad on the coffin, although with the high cost of funerals I suppose it is a way to help pay for them. Of course that could backfire too ...

• "Eat at McDonald's - I did" may not be a big seller, especially if the coffin has to be supersized;
• "I'm Glad I Had Aetna Life Insurance or I'd Never Be Able to Afford Being Dead;"
• "Viagra -- They really mean it when they say you should call a doctor after 4 hours"

I'm planning on being cremated and should be able to make a lot more money because my ashes will sit on a mantle or a bookcase for a long time. I could be in a coffee can that says "Folgers - It Really Was Good To The Last Drop."

Too Old For This S*it

This is my "what you talkin' 'bout Willis" look. Okay, I'll keep my day job.

I have been keeping late hours for the past couple of weeks, at least late for me. Not going to bed until 11 or later because I'm working on my show. It is a lot of work and I'll be glad when it is over -- really. But in case I haven't bugged you about it yet, here is a link to my Fringe page and a link to my Swell Gals website I'm working on. I am going to work on the website after the show is over.

I'm watching a rerun of "The Golden Girls" where Blanche's brother comes to visit and is afraid to tell her he is gay. Sophia says "He's as gay as a picnic basket" -- great line.

Speaking of great lines you can go here to find some of the greatest movie lines ever. Enjoy

Shut up

The guy above me decided to start jogging at 2 in the morning. It was a bit annoying and I said some salty words.

Went and saw "Horrible Bosses" this weekend and I have to say it was pretty funny and had absolutely no redeeming value -- my kind of movie. One reason I went was to see one of my boyfriends -- Kevin Spacey. And he was his usual hot self and one SOB of a boss. Not as hot as Jim - you know the guy I saw last Thursday -- my new future boyfriend if 1) he's not gay; 2) he's not picky; and 3) he would like to date someone old enough to be his mom.

When you get a chance check out my Fringe show website and my Swell Gals website. Stay cool

I'm In Lust

Yesterday, at a location I will not disclose because it is now my secret stalking area, I saw the best looking man I've ever seen in my life. It was like one of those movies where the guy comes walking down the road, in slow motion, out of some kind of fog of love, and you know that you will never ever see anything as beautiful as long as you live.

And I have competition, because I was sitting at a table with my friend (whose name shall remain anonymous) and he fell in love with him too. The two of us spent the rest of lunch looking at his broad gorgeous back, sitting at the table next to us, and trying to decide which team he plays for -- I know he plays for my team or else I shall have to impale myself on a cheese log.

So I've named him James, but his friends call him Jim and well I call him Jimmy. My friend, let's call him Harold, says his name is Derek. WTF? That's from a romance novel or the name of a new york yankee who I can't stand. No it's definitely Jim.

Now I just have to hope he would like to date his grandmother and we will live happily ever after. By the way, he had no wedding ring -- it was the third thing I looked at -- you can figure out what the first two were.

I'm in love with a wonderful guy.

Oh So Sorry I Forgot you

In the sheer excitement of returning to work yesterday after four days off (well four days of working on my Fringe show) I totally forgot my blog. I would plead insanity but that is already a given and I've done over 450 blog entries so I guess that wouldn't work -- unless of course I was on trial in Florida and there were 12 of the stupidest people on earth sitting on the jury -- but I digress.

In the midst of everything I need to do to get ready for the Fringe next month I've decided to just give up on any kind of housekeeping other than what will keep the health department from knocking at my door. That's not such a big stretch for me since I am extremely domestically impaired/apathetic but the difference is I'm not going to sit around and dwell on the fact that I "should" do this or I "should" do that. I'm going to dwell on the fact that I "should" do this or I "should" do that but that I don't care.

Of course I'm realizing how much work all of this Fringe stuff is and I'm swearing I will never do this again - like I did the other five times. We'll see how I feel on Aug 14th when it's all over and done. My friend Dean will be singing some great little songs in the show so if nothing else, there will be some great little songs in the show and I will just whistle and clap along. I wonder if people will pay to see an old asthmatic overweight lady whistle and clap -- I guess we'll find out.

Really I'm Not Ignoring You

I can feel your staring eyes through the Internet waves saying "I WILL NOT BE IGNORED." Well before you boil a bunny here I am.

Did you have a Yankee Doddle Dandy weekend? I did. I've been working on my Fringe show and am still doing so -- at home on a day of vacation. It is coming along well. In fact I may have more material and will have to cut so that's always good news. I'm hoping my friend Dean Johnson will be in the show to provide some nice musical breaks. He is checking his work schedule and will let me know. If not, I may have to do all the singing -- no I didn't mean that (oh oh this could dwindle the number of people attending).

This is my favorite part about writing, when I get past the "I don't know what to say" hole into the "I can't stop writing" arena and I go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...

Okay, you get the point. So, as with most things, it's not the task (in this case writing) that's so hard it's the starting and the finishing - completing the task. Oh if you only knew how many half-written plays, stories, articles, columns, I have. I now call in the Palin Syndrome -- you know you start something (like being governor of a state) and then a shiny object (like money and fame) comes along and you decide to stop before you have finished. I must fight the Palin Syndrome before I too am driving around the country aimlessly. Pray for me.

Hair Good; Government Bad

Now this is what I'm talking about. Amber at Spalon Montage did a great job -- thanks. And OMG the chairs you lay back in when you get your hair cut are massage chairs. So my back is being massaged and Amber is massaging my head and I should be totally relaxed but all I can think is "I don't belong here." Oh well, I can probably get use to it. I do like the haircut.

So Minnesota is closed. I wonder if that means we all have to pack up and move to other states. What a bunch of babies over there in St. Paul. They are so busy playing politics that they don't care how many people they hurt while they dig in their heels. I have to admit, I don't understand why the richest people in Minnesota can't pay an extra 2%. Most of them have so many tax loop holes that it will hardly effect them. -- Okay I'm off my soap box but come on people!

I am spending the weekend finishing writing my Fringe show -- really I am. Hope you have a fun Fourth of July weekend. Oooooh, aaaah, oooooh, aaaaah (these are my fireworks for you).