I'll "See" You Later

Um, A? S, C no G no O

Guess who is going to the eye doctor today. It's nice to go to a doctor where you get to keep your clothes on. I do, however, hate eye drops.

Both my grandma and mom had glaucoma so I'm always a little nervous to go because I'm afraid I'll be told that I have glaucoma too. I don't think I'm ready to take on any new diseases.

I do, however, know my eyes are not as good as they were. I'm sure I'll need a new prescription. I only need reading glasses right now but who knows. I've had cataracts removed from both eyes so at least I don't have to worry about that showing up.

In a show I did a number of years ago I had a large chart that I used to cross off body parts when they have failed -- if I had that chart today it would be nothing but "X"s. If I circled the parts that worked I'd have a great big tic-tac-toe game. Oh that reminds me I better make an appointment with my podiatrist.

Night At The Salon

Last night I was at the "salon" getting my hair cut, well waiting to get my hair cut -- excuse me I was at a "salon" so I was waiting to get my hair styled -- and there is a set of double doors at the entrance. One door had a sign with an arrow pointing to the other door - the sign said "PLEASE USE OTHER DOOR" and I watched as four women, in a row, tried the wrong door before following the arrow. Then each one of them, after checking in, sat down and pulled out their "smart" phones. Oh the irony. And yes - 3 "blondes" and a brunette.

After my styling when I went to pay I discovered the cost had gone up $10 -- 25%. My salary hasn't gone up 25%, has yours? You would think for that extra $10 they could have both doors working! So instead of getting my hair cut every 8 weeks - it will have to last 10 weeks - 25% longer.

I Need A Miracle

I think this pair of underwear is shot. I better change my underwear because I really need to change my life.

Is there anyone out there that is excited to get up and go to work every morning? I know there are some people who are. I know I should be happy just to have a job. I know the way to San Jose - but I digress.

I was talking to a friend yesterday and she and I were both in the Sunday night blues. This morning I just sat on the edge of my bed and thought "I can't do this again; I just can't" although I know I will. And I'll do it again tomorrow and the next day, etc. even though I can't imagine doing so.

What I need is some time off -- not a week but some serious time off -- like a month or two. I remember saying that there should be a maturity leave like maternity leave where you get a couple of months to just take care of yourself. People could take it when they reach 50. And you know what ... I may just do that. I could use my Fringe money and do it. Hmmmm, something to investigate. Move over Stella -- Mary needs to get her groove back.

What I really need is a miracle -- something, anything -- there has to be more to life than going to work, paying your bills, rinse and repeat.

Good Morning Sunshine

It's August 25th and that means in 4 months I will be frantically wrapping gifts to take to my family Christmas gathering.

Yesterday I was at a funeral and they sang "Joy To The World" so that is what made me think that Christmas is not far away -- oh bother.

The funeral was for my friend Annie's uncle, my friend's brother, my bosses' brother, my cousin's daughter-in-law's father. I was definitely linked to this life. He was 61 and died of a heart attack. His sister told me he had his asthma inhaler in his hand when they found him -- all of us asthmatics will die with our inhaler in our hand. When people your own age start to go it makes you a little nervous.

I don't care much for funerals because they are less celebration and more mourning but this wasn't a Catholic funeral so I knew there was a better chance of some joy popping up in the middle of the service -- and I was right (although this was Lutheran which isn't always a laugh fest either). And no incense -- for God's sakes give up the incense; the bodies don't smell anymore you don't need it. But I digress.

And then there was the one person who actually believed that a little girl -- perhaps 12-14 months tops -- would sit quietly for an hour. I want to know the color of the sky in this woman's world. The service hadn't even started and she had to leave the church; she came back and within 2 minutes had to leave the church; she came back and in less than 30 seconds had to leave the church. I think it may have sunk in that this wasn't going to work.

My takeaway from the service was that this guy really enjoyed life -- that's what everyone spoke about. He loved to have fun and be with family and friends. I'm sure as he realized his time was up his last thoughts were not "Oh I wish I'd spent more time organizing my work space" or "Gosh why didn't I take more time to watch television" or even "I didn't worry enough about money" -- I have a feeling it was a wish for one more day/hour/minute with the people he loves.

When I go, I go like Elsie.

I actually do wake up beautiful

This is what a person looks like who has been sleeping for 48 hours. Oh sure I woke up to take Freckles out now and then but other than that I could not stay awake or do anything.

My eyes are closed because it still hurts to look at too much light. I think I had a combination of the flu and exhaustion. The flu, I believe have flown, but I think it will take some time to feel full speed again. This is what I need to remember if I think about doing the Fringe again -- it takes a lot out of me before and after. I should consider taking up crocheting instead.

I did get the best night's sleep I've had for a while. Never woke up even once. And Freckles curled up to me the whole night. She's been in the habit of getting out of bed and sleeping on the floor -- maybe she knows something I don't know. On Sunday I was sure I was dying and was writing down who the paramedics should call to come and get Freckles, my family to notify, etc. I never finished the list because I fell asleep.

Well I'm going to try to go to work today -- at least for part of the day -- that should make me feel better (smile).

I Feel Icky

I wanted to write about my adventures with the Twins but I have the flu. I'll have to wait. Sorry

All Hail the Birthday Queen

It is the 57th anniversary of the day that I emerged from the womb and embraced this big ball we call earth. In other words, it's my birthday.

Best birthday party as a kid: When I got to take my friends out to Queen Anne Kiddie Land. It was in the middle of nowhere (which I believe is now 494 and Highway 100). My favorite ride were the boats -- you would just sit in this boat and go around in a circle but I could put my hand out into the water and hear my mother yelling "Put your hand back in, put your hand back in" followed by a lecture about how I could lose my hand if I did that. But I kept doing it so obviously fear of dismemberment was not a big deterrent to me. I remember the old saying "Don't stick your hand out too far or it might go home in another car" yet I would stick that old hand out the window every chance I got.

Best birthday party as a so-called grown up (so far): My 40th birthday when I was obsessed with Harrison Ford (before he married that skinny little Colossal chick). My co-workers at RKM&C decorated my cube with pictures of HF and then while I was very busy working (yeah right) they gathered at the end of the hall and came to my cubicle with HF masks. It was so funny. That night I got together with my friends for pizza and we had the same masks. It was a very good day.

So happy womb emerging anniversary to me oh and Robert Redford and Patrick Swayze and Rosalyn Carter and Shelly Winters.

By the way this is also the 51st anniversary of the day when the first birth control prescription was filled -- I believe it was my mother and who could blame her.

Something For Nothing

Well I found a new way to make money ... I'm going to force companies to pay me not to wear their clothes. Apparently this is working for some idiot from that Jersey show. Abercrombie is asking one of the cast not to wear their clothes, it gives them a bad reputation. How big a loser can this guy be to be asked NOT to wear a companies clothes in front of millions of people. This is one of those moments in AA when you would say to yourself "Perhaps I have a problem."

I'm thinking I could get a sweet deal like that with Victoria's Secret or Jantzen swimwear or some such thing. Imagine being paid not to do something -- it's like a government job or some of those farmers who are paid not to plant crops. I'm perfect for any position like that -- pick me, pick me. Unless of course someone offered to pay me not to talk or write -- no can do. I would explode within a 24 hour period. Hmmm, perhaps I have a probl---- nah, not me.

Back to Normal -- No I Don't Like Normal

On the one hand most everyone who has ever gone to the state fair could be captured on film doing just this. On the other hand it's Michelle Bachmann and a very large phallic symbol enjoying a moment together. How can one not find this amusing.

I can't, for the live of me, understand how or why anyone would vote for her for anything. My mind floats back to when she nearly jumped on the back of George W Bush -- she is a giddy teenager who now wants to be class president. I'm just waiting for her to go up in flames -- figuratively not literally (really Secret Service people I'm not planning on setting her on fire).

The Fringe is over and I'm hoping to return to some sort of normalcy. It was fun to do the shows but I hate all the politics that goes with the festival. It's like being back in high school, no it's more like junior high, where you have the cool kids and the rest of us are just trying to avoid getting a wedgie or being shoved into a locker. Of course, I'm thinking "next year" despite all my curses and promises that I will never do this again.

I appreciate everyone who came to the show. My average was close to 85% of the house and that's a great accomplishment considering I'm not a cool kid and the venue was in the middle of a war zone on the other side of the tracks.

Now all I'm left with are memories, a song about Kegling, and a basketful of underwear. Isn't that always the story with the theater. I feel an Ethel Merman song coming on ...

I'm A Winner -- Maybe

Someone in Minnesota won the $220,000,000 Powerball. My numbers are at work so I guess even if I won I at least have to show up one more time -- of course some of my favorite shoes are also at work so I'd have to go in anyways -- or I could just buy a shoe factory.

It is fun to dream about what you would do with all the money. I have a friend who has actually sat down and decided what percentage of her winnings she would give to family and friends. I think I get 3% or 7% or something like that. So if it wasn't me I sure hope it's someone I know who deserves the money. I'll be so disappointed if it's someone who already has lots of money and bought a ticket on a whim. Oh well. I'll keep you posted because it is so likely I won.

Two more shows left or perhaps three if I sell the most tickets for my venue, then I'll have a show on Sunday. That would be good news/bad news. On the one hand if I won my venue it would be a shocker to the local theater community. There are a lot of Fringey artsy-fartsy shows at the same venue so to have some one outside the inner sanctum of the Fringe win a venue would be like Pauly Shore winning an Oscar. On the other hand by Sunday I'm going to be so tired but I do have Monday off so what the heck.

I went and saw a show last night called Dance with the Divas that was great fun. It's a group of women of all ages, shapes, abilities that get together every week just to dance because they like it. They danced to songs by Pink and Cher and Loretta Lynne and I can't remember them all and at the end everyone in the audience was invited to go up and join the dance to RESPECT by the Queen - Aretha Franklin. If you get a chance to see it you should go. You will leave feeling better than when you went it and there aren't a lot of shows you can say that about.

Have a good day ... off to see if I won $220,000,000 -- or maybe at least $200.

Is It Morning Already?

Doing a Fringe show, or really any show, is kind of like having a piece of Dove chocolate -- you just want more and more and more. I have to admit, I love doing the shows -- I love making people laugh and hearing applause but it's so hard to do when you work full-time at another job.

Last night I was thinking if I was 40 I might consider pursuing it full time but when you're almost 57 (9 days and counting) you think about things like medical insurance and retirement funds and what if and I better and don't be --- it's so frustrating.

Oh well, I'll worry about that tomorrow at Tara. Yesterday I came home from work early because I had a show at 5:30. Just as I was walking into my building I saw in the distance was the dog walker with Freckles and Oliver (a dog from the building). And Freckles was so excited to see me I thought she was going to go out of her sweet little dog mind. I've seen her this excited before but that is when I come home from work -- I just assumed it was because she wanted to get out of her kennel but yesterday I realized it's because she's happy to see ME. I can't even begin to tell you how special that makes me feel. Having a dog is such a great thing.

Well the windows are open again and I can breath again and if I can just stay awake for the next 9 or so hours things will be good. I heard Ellen DeGeneres is going to be at the Mary Tyler Moore statue on the Nicollet Mall today at 11:15. I'll have to give her a call and see if she wants to do lunch. We are very close -- I'm one of her 7,249,187 followers on Twitter.

One Down, Four To Go

I feel so high tech when I hear my earphone -- it's like I'm Julie on the Time-Life commercials, ready to take your order for the Hit's of the 1960s by artists who do not have an "e" in their name.

Feeling fine after my first show and it got a "Must See" review from the Pioneer Press which, I have to tell you, has me floating on air. You know when you work on something for so long it begins to get boring and dull to you so you figure it will be boring and dull to everyone -- but I guess it wasn't. I guess it was worth all the hard work after all.

On another note -- what's the scoop with the whole Jerry Lewis thing. I use to work at these telethons and I can't believe the MDA is shooting itself in the foot this way. Yeah, he's a pompous ass but he is the one who raises the money everywhere. It will be interesting to see what is really behind all of this. I just hope he didn't send a picture of his wiener to some one - especially me.

Opening Night Jitters

Last night while I was practicing my Fringe songs in the shower I shampooed my hair with Dial antibacterial soap. I think I'm a little nervous --

I woke up at 4:30 this morning and laid in bed going through the show in my head and now I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. I should have taken today off but too late.


Wish me luck ... and nice hair.

Brother Can You Spare A Couple Of Hundreds?

I'm going to get a piece of cardboard and stand by the freeways with a sign that says "HOT ASTHMATIC NEEDS $$$ FOR ELECTRIC BILL." And I'll have Freckles in her buggy next to me looking pathetic with a little sign that says "3 LEGGED BEAGLE NEEDS $$$ FOR FROSTY PAWS." I wonder how much we'd get?

I'm scared to see what my electric bill is going to be. I think I've had my A/C running for two weeks straight. There was a time when I would turn it off during the day but I can't do that with Freckles here so it runs day and night. Plus my ceiling fan and bedroom fan. I think I know what the money I make at the Fringe will be going to -- and it's not a trip to swim with the dolphins.

But today we are suppose to get a break from the hum-didally and perhaps, oh just perhaps, I can turn off the A/C at least at night. It would be nice to have the windows open and get some semi-fresh air. Until then, I better get to work on my sign.

One Cool Dudette

"It's hot, but I'm cool" -- well at least someone is cool.

I woke up this morning with cold feet -- no not the kind that mean I'm not going to do my Fringe show -- real cold feet. I have my tower fan blowing right on me all night long and my feet were cold. I also slept straight through the night, which hasn't happened for a while either. Perhaps drinking a fifth of vodka does help you sleep -- just kidding -- it was gin.

The company I work for is having its golf event today. The past 3 years I've had to plan it and be there to make sure everything went well but this year someone else took over the task and hearing that it is going to be 90 with high humidity I am the happiest person in the world to NOT be out on a golf course and be stuck in the office. Last year the weather was just like this and it was almost unbearable. Perhaps we shouldn't keep having this event at the beginning of August -- that was my idea -- but it was rejected so here we are again in the middle of a tropical heatwave but not my problem. Yippee.

So for today don't be a hot dog -- stay cool.

It's Here

Hello everyone:

If you are sick of hearing about the Fringe ... well so am I. Only a few days to go. My posts may be sporadic at best because I'm either sleeping as late as I possibly can before going to work or I forget. Apologies in advance. When this is over life may go back to semi-normal.

I'm taking the day after the Fringe ends off from work just to sleep -- and maybe clean up my place.

I had my tech rehearsal and it went well. The theater is nice and cool which helps so much when you have these horrible lights shining on you. I think I'm ready ... or close to ready ... and am anxious just to get going. Wish I had the time/money to take the week off but if you wish in one hand and shit in the other which do you have more of? -- My ex use to say that all the time; the one smart thing he said.

I'm also getting cabin fever again. This is as bad as winter with the windows closed and I can't go outside except to take Freckles to do her business. I might as well be wearing a down parka and clunky boots. I'm really sick of this weather and will be happy when it is in the 60s and 70s again.

Okay done complaining for a bit. Have a good Monday. I'm off to the Emerald City; hope the flying monkeys don't get me.