I Don't Like School

Tonight at my pet loss grief support group our facilitator Ken, who is a really nice guy, was saying that the pain of grief is intense but in all the years he's done this he's seen people come out as better people.

When it came my turn to talk I just had to clear something up. I told Ken that with regard to coming out a better person, I would just as soon stay the same old schmuck that I am and have my dog back. Ken indicated that wasn't an option. Well that sucks.

I've grown up with the wisdom of "no pain, no gain." And that is probably true for people in the 20s, 30s and even 40s, it was for me, but I'm 57 years old and I really have no interest in any more "gaining." My wisdom is "no pain, yippee."

Oh I'm not saying I couldn't improve or get better -- I certainly could -- but to tell you the truth, I kind of don't give a shit. I'm pretty happy and okay with who I am today. If I get better -- alright big points for me, but I have no plans to try to find myself or explore the deeper recesses of my psyche. I'm in touch with my inner child and she's screaming "No more pencils, no more books" and wants a permanent summer vacation (and to live in an ice cream factory) -- especially if this current "learning experience" is any indication of what could be involved.

This could change -- who knows -- but today, if given the option, I'd like to spend a little more time on the playground before the next bell rings.

Empty Pockets

I was just in the laundry room putting my clothes in the washing machine and as I checked the pockets I realized I didn’t have to. I was always checking for leftover treats and plastic bags. Well I had a mini breakdown. Thankfully no one walked in. They would wonder how dirty was my laundry that it made me cry. I could end up on one of those new reality shows like Hoarders but this would be Filthy the story of people whose clothes were so dirty it made them cry.

Still Here

Freckles Magoo 2005 - 2012

Sorry I haven't written for a while. I'm still trying to deal with the loss of Freckles. The emptiness is almost overwhelming at times. The other day I fell asleep watching TV. When I woke up I saw it was 9:30 and I thought "I have to take Freckles out" until I realized she wasn't here anymore.

Yesterday was my best day at work. I think I only cried once or twice and then, of course, I felt guilty for not crying all the time. One of those no win situations. Damned if you feel sad; damned if you don't.

I can't quite bring myself to put her things away. There's still water in her dish. Perhaps this weekend I'll be able to do that.

What has really overwhelmed me is the kindness of my people. I have received flowers from people in my neighborhood and a plant I will try very hard to keep alive from my co-workers. I have also received many cards and they have really been a source of comfort for me. And of course, I'll never forget how Peter and Sue came with me to the vet and Sue/Myrna came and sat with me for hours. They really kept me sane (well as sane as I can be kept).

I know it will get better with time I just wish it would hurry. I remember a scene from "All in the Family" when Edith was going through "the change." Archie was trying to be patient but he eventually couldn't take it anymore and he tells her something like "Edith you have 30 seconds -- CHANGE."

Freckles

As many of you may know, Freckles passed away yesterday. She went very peacefully with me beside her. I was lucky, very lucky, to have my friends Peter and Sue there to help me afterwards. And then Sue (aka Myrna) came over yesterday afternoon, even though I said she didn't have to, and sat with me for a few hours and we talked about lots of things and cried every now and then.

Last night I couldn't bring myself to go to sleep in my bed. As Peter said "What are you going to do with all that room?" which is so true. Most nights I had to cling to the edge of the bed because Freckles has spread herself out across the rest of the bed. I slept on the couch but tonight I'll go back to my bed. I have a feeling I'll still be clinging to the edge for a while.

I know some day this pain in my heart will start to heal ... but Freckles will always be a part of me.

R.I.P. Freckles.

Vacation Day One

My new song to the tune of the 12 days of Christmas:  "On the first day of vacation, the universe gave to me, a dog who couldn't wait to pee."

Hope you had a nice Easter. In case you didn't see these photos on Facebook they are from Easter 1958 and 1959 when I was 3 and 4. I remember getting all dressed up to go to church and having to wear black patent leather shoes -- I hated those except they were great to rub together and make the most annoying sound. I couldn't wait to get home and put on my play clothes. I was never much of a girlie girl although I was (and still am) cute as the dickens. By the way, on the 1959 picture note the Easter bonnet (I believe Peter asked me there it was in the 1958 photo) and the white gloves.

So here's a question ... if you are on vacation does "vacation" start when you leave work or does "vacation" start the first day when you are suppose to be at work but you are not?  Well either way, I'm not vacation until next Monday the 16th or until 4:00 this Friday -- depending on what you call 'vacation."

I have no plans at all for the entire week. So since I have nothing to do I wanted to get up early and start doing nothing. Well actually Freckles wanted us to get up early and start doing nothing. Of course, she is back in bed now -- and what the heck I could join her but I may wait until later. I love to take afternoon naps. They are better than ice cream!

Well I better hurry up and do nothing. I'll let you know how it's going.

The true meaning of Easter?????

I'm not what you would call a church going person, but I have a hard time believing that when Jesus was dying on the cross he thought to himself "I hope someday people remember this in a nice confectionery treat or on a pair of whimsical socks." By the way, the Cross is kosher.

I keep expecting a picture of the Easter bunny waiting outside the tomb with Mary and Martha and a nice basket filled with colorful eggs and treats. 

Letting Og ....

Yesterday was a bad day ... but it was a good day in a way too. During the night I listened to Freckles wheezing and saw what seemed like sadness on her face and I decided it was time to let her go. I called the vet and brought Freckles in for what I thought was the last time. But thanks to a wonderful talk with the vet (Dr. Hershey of Westgate Clinic) I learned so much about what these final days can be. Dr. Hershey got down on the floor with me and Freckles and was even crying too. She could tell that I wasn't ready to say good-bye and that Freckles wasn't ready either. She told me that I needed to listen to Freckles rather than try to figure things out for myself. That when Freckles refused to eat, when she didn't want to be with me or at least try to roll in the park (now she lays down but gets stuck half way through her role and lays there with her legs in the air -- I'm sure people driving by think that she is dead and I'm standing there with a dead dog on a leash) as long as she still does the things that she likes that she is okay. She may not be feeling great but she is okay. It's not until she stops eating and wants to be alone that the time has come to say good-bye.

I was thinking there is an old AA saying "Let Go and Let God" well God backwards is Dog so I am going to "Let Go and Let Dog" -- of course using that logic it would be "Let Og and Let Dog" which makes no sense at all but let's face it, in my life the "making sense" trolly left a long, long, long time ago.

So I'm about to take Miss Freckles out for her morning walk and enjoy every moment I can with her. I will trust her to tell me when she's ready to go. Next week I'm on vacation so she and I can spend a lot of time together. I'm just trying to figure out how I can get her into Target Field for the opening day of baseball.

Pancakes Anyone?

 I'm writing tonight because tomorrow morning at 7:30 I will be having a mammogram -- or as my friend Terry calls it I'm going to a pancake breakfast. She also calls the annual exam going horseback riding. Unfortunately I didn't know that when I first started working with her and she told me she was leaving early to go horseback riding and I'm yelling down the hall "really, where do you go riding?" It was quite a moment, for both of us.

I know it's something you need to do but I really would prefer not to do it. I hope I get a tech with a personality. I've had some great ones but every once in a while I get one that honestly has no personality at all. Of course I suppose if I spent my whole day plopping boobs on glass and watching women grimace as I squeezed them until you are sure they are going to pop and go all over the wall -- well I guess I might not always be in a great mood. Still it's better than the person who has to do colonoscopies -- or at least that would be my choice.

Every time I have a mammogram I wonder why they haven't invented the testogram or nutsogram or whatever you want to call it. Why hasn't anyone invented a machine that squeezes a guys testicles until they cry for mercy -- and not in a good way.

So while your sipping your morning coffee remember I'll be in some little room being flattened. Yippee.