My Dinner With Andre if His Name Was Nancy and He Was A Woman

I had dinner last night with my friend Nancy (in case you can't figure it out she's the one on the right). She and I have known each other since 1983 - you do the math because it's too early in the morning for me to do so - and this picture was taken as a series of pictures I did for the attorney we worked for -- Jerry -- who was leaving for a month in Florida. I put together a book called "What We'll Be Doing While You're Gone." Why am I fondling her foot? Well to make a long story short one day Nancy was waiting for the bus on the Nicollet Mall when a man came up to her and started to fondle her foot. Now if that's not bad enough, poor Nancy didn't have the good sense God gives a gnat because she actually called me up when she got home and told me about it - I believe she was expecting some sort of sympathy. Well from that moment on, and after I told the story to Jerry, she was mercilessly teased about feet by the two of us. One time we even called and left a message for a foot massage clinic to call her about an appointment.  And at Christmas we gave her a red shoe phone -- she didn't want it so I was lucky enough to get it. I wonder what I did with that phone, it was cool. Here is a photo of it:

Pretty stylish huh? Who wouldn't want to talk on a red "F-me" pump phone? That Nancy never did know a good things when she saw it - with the possible exception of me as a friend.

It was a fun evening -- lots of laughs. I think it's always nice to get together with people you've known for so long that you are comfortable enough to spill chow mein on yourself and not worry about it. I guess that's a definition of friendship that has never been explored properly like "Love is never having to say you're sorry" from "Love Story" but instead "Friendship is never having to say you're a mess who shouldn't be allowed out in public."

Enjoy Wednesday because if you're enjoying Tuesday you're too late and if you're enjoying Thursday you're going to be so sorry when you find out it's only Wednesday.

Hope you had a nice Holimas

 Can you see the family resemblance? You can get one of these t-shirts for yourself and send me your picture.

Hope you had a good Christmas/Holiday -- Holimas.  I had a lot of fun, got some very nice gifts, and spent time with people I love. And I game out alive!!! I do believe, however, it will be a long time before I can eat another slice of ham or a cookie. Well at least a day or two.

I have today off and then back to the salt mines -- but then another long weekend. That first M-F week is going to be a tough one. Perhaps I need a week of vacation ... in the Bahamas ... make that two weeks. Of course with the warm weather we've been having I really wonder how many people are thinking of heading south. We do know, however, all warm things must come to an end.

I tried to go to a store yesterday -- what a silly girl I am. I will try again today. I also have a jug of coins that I need to take in to the bank and cash in. I save my coins all year long -- only pay with paper. That's a trick I heard from Suzi Orman. I usually end up with $300 - $400 of coins. I don't cash them in until AFTER Holimas so I don't use it for more "stuff."

Have a good day. I have to go and see if Freckles is ready to get up yet. Yesterday she stayed in bed until I finally got her up at 10:30!!!! She has an amazing bladder. Just talking about it makes me have to go -- AGAIN!!!

The Last In A Long Line of Holiday Sweaters

I'm now modeling the last of my Christmas fashions. And this is my last day at work until I return Dec 28th. Oh the blissletoe ....

I actually dreamed last night that I had a new sweater -- it was black with squares of Santa faces on it -- I wish I had that sweater, it was cool.

Tonight I'm going to Skype with my nephew from Chile. I don't use Skype too often but it reminds me of the Jetsons and their video telephones. Now all we need are flying cars and anti-gravity floors so we can dance to Jet Streamer.   I'm off to work - we're having an ugly sweater day (like I need it declared) and I'm having lunch with my blue haired lady friends.

Another Ugly Sweater and a Great Idea

 I think this outfit would win the ugly sweater contest for sure. Between the color, which is really a lime green, the reindeer, and the flashing necklace I am the queen of Christmas ugly sweaters. Long live the queen.

Had dinner last night with my cousin Tom and his wife. They are heading to South America a week from Friday for a cruise. They are going to be in Chile and will get to see my nephew Perry and his wife Camila. The cruise offers side trips at various ports -- one of them is $3,800 per person -- yes that is a side trip!! I said I hope it includes hookers and illegal drugs.

When we were talking about work I mentioned that the place where I work named all its conference rooms after different lakes (which, by the way, makes for an interesting conversation when someone says "Steve is in Harriet") and that I've found that naming suites after lakes is quite common in Minneapolis businesses. In fact, the suites at the Twins Target Field are also named after lakes. My niece said that at her job the conference rooms are named "A, B and C." Since she's a nurse my nephew and I suggested they name them after drugs. "We'll be holding our meeting in Viagra," or "Let's sit down and discuss this in Rogaine," or "Emily is waiting for us in Cymbalta." In fact, hospitals and other places could sell the naming rights to their conference rooms, lunchroom, lobby, etc. The "Oscar Meyer Lunchroom" might sell as much bologna as is spoken in the hallways. The "Trojan Lobby" would keep unwanted "guests" from passing. And, really, who wouldn't want to do their business in the "Office Depot" de-potty?

With ideas like this I don't understand why I'm not in the "Pearle Vision" corner office with a great view.

Less than a week to go

Here's today's entry in the Christmas outfits --- a stunning vest featuring holly, snowflakes, Santa, a stocking and a Christmas tree. I have two more sweaters I've yet to wear and of course there is my set of antlers. Oh you have so much to look forward to this week. You probably won't be able to sleep in anticipation of seeing the outfit du jour of the day -- I saw that once on a menu "Soup du jour of the day."

Finished my shopping on Saturday and wrapped and mailed my one box of gifts to go on Sunday so if it was 1988 I'd celebrate with a bottle of wine, perhaps a margarita and a beer chaser but since it's 2011 I celebrated by taking a nap.

I noticed that this year I really didn't find myself saying "next year I'll finish shopping earlier" or "next year I'll send my cards sooner" or "next year blah, blah, blah." Perhaps its with the end of the world looming over us as the Mayan calendar comes to an end -- which I only think means that the Mayans found something better to do than make calendars or they ran out of Mayan swimsuit models to put on the calendars but I digress -- where was I? oh yes the end of the world and my lack of "next yearing" -- perhaps what is really behind my not thinking about how much better I'll be next year is that I have a firm grip on the fact that this is probably not going to change unless I fall, hit my head, and wake-up believing I'm Martha Stewart or Rachel Ray or a character in a Hallmark movie.

Speaking of movies, I went to see "Chipwrecked" with my friend Annie who LOVES the chipmunks. If it wasn't for the fact that I love to spend time with Annie, even in a dark movie theater watching what can only be described as one of the worse movies ever, I'd be petitioning the movie studio for a refund and those 1-1/2 hours of my life back.

If you are in the mood for a new old Christmas song that belongs in the ultra lounge category I heard That Holiday Feeling by Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gormet on the radio and had to download it at iTunes. It's a martini feeling song that may help you forget you ever heard "The Christmas Shoes" or any of those songs of my most despised Christmas song list.

Have a good Monday and get ready for a new ugly Christmas sweater tomorrow.

A Review of Last Night's Party

Do  you think the American Dental Association gets miffed every year when Rudolph is shown. I mean it depicts dentists as misfits. I see a potential libel law suit in the future. The ADA v. Santa -- we're not misfits.

But one of the main topics of conversation came when Sue brought us the Argyle cartoon that was in the paper that day. If you look closely it appears that Santa's bedmate is a guy. Well this should be the topic of the next Republican debate. The liberal media is now portraying Santa as a homosexual.

Let's think about this -- he is a snappy dresser, likes to wear his "gay apparel," spends a lot of time at shopping malls, seems a little obsessed with naughty people, and goes to a lot of holiday parties. He could be gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. 

And the other big topic from last night is how Myrna's mother-in-law answers the phone. She says hello like Squiggy from Laverne & Shirley. Now we all want to call her just to hear her answer the phone and then hang up. We are a sick group and should probably never get together again. By the way, Sue, you left your green bag here.

Some Gift Ideas From The Past

 Here are some gift ideas from the past. They will warm the cockles of your heart -- if you are Newt Gingrich or Rick Perry. Speaking of warming the cockles of your heart -- what is more Christmasy than Santa and a machine gun. I believe this is where the new holiday hit "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer And Then She Retaliated With Gunfire" came from. Talk about "You'll shoot your eye out"!!!

I'm taking off work today to do some shopping and finish up my cards, etc. My friends Peter, Sue & Myrna (who used to be the other Sue until I changed her name) are coming over for our annual Reindeer Games celebration. We eat, laugh, watch Rudolph, laugh, eat and -- you get the picture. There is always the discussion of why the doll is on the Island of Misfit toys (I think she has syphilis) and the singing of "Why Am I Such as Misfit." I have a collection of talking Rudolph characters that I've had for many, many years. This year I am sending them home with Myrna. She has three kids at home 10, 7 and 3 and I think they'll have a lot of fun with them. It's kind of like a scene from Toy Story when the toys get to go to a home where they'll be played with instead of left sitting on a shelf for a few weeks a year. It's part of my effort to start "thinning the herd" of crap that I have. I believe "crap" is the exact term interior designers use when referring to items that sit on shelves or in boxes in closets.


Have a fun day ... I'm off to stimulate the economy.

Christmas Music I Hate (and Love)

Well if you hated my snowflake shirt you're probably going to hate this too but it's time for ugly and odd Christmas sweaters to make their appearance. This is my favorite because it is bright and cheery. I have a lime green sweater with reindeer on it and bells -- that one is scary but, of course, I love it.

I have finished my Christmas cards - at 11:00 last night. I just need to go to the post office and get stamps and off they go. Last year I never got around to sending cards so I'm glad I got 'er done this year. Of course it cut into my baking and craft time so there will be fewer homemade goodies and adorable crafty things this year but we all have to suffer.

And speaking of suffering, I know I've said this before but I have to say it again, there are some "holiday" songs that should be tossed into the incinerator and never heard again. I include:

1. The Christmas Shoes - so depressing it makes you want to impale yourself on a yule log.
2. I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas -- who the hell wants a hippo for Christmas? Some rich kid who already has everything else in the world?
3. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus -- I'm waiting for some hip-hop remake of this song and mommy will not just be "kissing" Santa Claus in this version. The child will be scarred for life.
4. The Little Drummer Boy - except for the David Bowie and Bing Crosby version. Otherwise it is boring -- pa rum pa pum pum
5. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer -- I believe this song is sponsored by the law firm of Call Gary.
6. Please Daddy Don't Get Drunk This Christmas -- John Denver sings this uplifting little ditty.

Now here are some Christmas songs I love and that you may have never heard but I suggest you find them:

1. Nothing's Gonna Bring Me Down at Christmastime -- Randy Travis
2. Let It Be Christmas -- Alan Jackson
3. A Red and Green Christmas -- The Muppets
4. Another Christmas Song -- Stephen Colbert (yeah that Stephen Colbert - if you've never seen his Christmas special rent it)
5. Christmas Queen -- Miss Piggy
6. Gettin' In The Mood (For Christmas) -- Brian Setzer 
7. That Holiday Feeling -- Steve Lawrence and Edye Gormet (that one who sings one of my other favorite songs - Blame It On The Bossa Nova)
8. Lord's Bright Blessing -- from Mr. Magoo's Christmas
9. Cherry Cherry Christmas -- Neil Diamond
10. The Christmas Wish -- John Denver & the Muppets

So stay away from 6 songs and find 10 new songs based on the recommendation of Mary Christmas

More Gift Ideas for Christmas

 Here are some more great gift ideas for you:

First there are toothbrushes that already have toothpaste in them. Just put under some water and you are good to go.

How incredibly lazy could a person be that he or she needs pre-pasted toothbrushes. Perhaps we could get pre-wadded toilet paper.

Then there is the bottom bank. It's not bad enough that you have to stick coins into the backside of what I believe is a plumber at work but, and here's the strong selling point, when you put a coin in the bank makes a farting noise. I guess if you want to force your children to save money this would be a good idea -- they would be putting money in there all day long.

On the positive side, I think this would be a great tip jar to have at the reception desk of a proctologist. I often wonder if proctologists find their jobs as amusing as the rest of us. Do any of them actually get a license plate that says "ASSMAN"?

And finally there is the macabre gift to remember a loved one. I found this one that actually featured my name. I'm thinking of buying it for

my niece or nephews to have when the time comes. There is a poem called "Don't Cry For Me I'm Spending Christmas In Heaven." The first time I heard it I wanted to run out of the room. I was at a club meeting in December. I had been hired to do some stand-up for their holiday party. They were having dinner when the president of the club stood up and announced that "We all know that we lost one of our most popular and active members a few days ago. Let's take a moment to share memories we have of her." This was followed by 15 minutes of stories, someone singing "Amazing Grace" and then someone reading "Don't Cry For Me I'm Spending Christmas In Heaven" after which the president said "And now I'm pleased to present comedian Mary Hirsch." Well at this point everyone was crying and I wanted to run out of the room. But, being the professional that I am, I went on with the show.  I am still available for parties and funerals.

Freckles Meets The Big Guy

"Santa -- I know him!"

Well I finally went around the bend -- I took Freckles to see Santa Claus. Yep, I'm officially a crazy lady (but not as crazy as the Target lady). It was pet night at the Rosedale Santa station and there I was standing in line with about five other people with dogs and parents with kids who didn't look too pleased that they had to wait even longer in line because people were there with their dogs.

She told Santa this year she wanted her mom to take her to work with her, a new leg, more rides in the car, and a lot more treats. Yep, I heard her say that --- around the bend and over the bridge I've gone.

The oddest part - for me - was walking through Herberger's with my dog. She was so good and walked without stopping -- I guess there aren't as many good smells at Herberger's as there are outside. She really is such a good girl I should be able to take her anywhere I go like work, movies, dentist, shopping - although I wouldn't take her to the grocery store. I'd never get her out of the meat department.

Yep, it's time for Mary to take a long nap -- perhaps in a padded room somewhere.

Yes, I'm a Flake

Well I guess I can breakout my snowflake sweatshirt. I've been waiting because it is the most comfortable shirt in the world -- although I wore it way too long last winter and someone at work, who was as tired of snow as I was, said perhaps I should burn it and the snow would stop falling -- but, as those of you with more than 3 brain cells can see, I didn't do that.

I'm now totally into Christmas -- I knew it would happen. I just needed to give it time (and increase my meds).  Yesterday I found a great flash mob video that was done at the Carlson School of Management. About 300 people from the school of music showed up to entertain or annoy the business school students. I believe the business school students are planning a flash mob at the school of music later this week where they will be discussing the costs associated with the 12 Days of Christmas and how one could market each day separately, bundled, or as a Groupon.

In case you haven't seen this before I thought I'd regift this list:
 

Mary Hirsch’s List of The Top 10 Least Favorite Holiday Movies

10. Rudolph The Incredibly Co-Dependent Reindeer

9. It’s A Sucky Life And I Wish I Was Never Born – An After School Special

8. The Santa Divorce Clause Or How Mrs. Clause Got Her Groove Back.

7. Charlie Brown Gives Up On Christmas And Focuses On Building Up His Savings So He Can Get Out Of This Town With No Pity

6. Frosty Vs. Zamboni – The Holiday Grudge Match

5. Pay It Forward For The Next 36 Months At 18% Interest Accumulating Daily

4. How The Grinch Stole Christmas And Then Pinned It On Cindy Lou Who Who Is Now Doing 10-20 In The Big House

3. Matlock On 34th Street

2. Crouching Elf; Hidden Reindeer

1. Run Prancer It’s Sarah Palin In A Helicopter

Me and My Home Are Looking Good

I just wanted to let you see that, as my friend Joni put it, I clean up nicely. This is from Saturday when I went to my office's holiday party. It was at formal affair at the International Market Square (hey, that rhymes). One of my favorite things about the parties is that we have valet parking available. It's nice to be able to wear the shoes you want without having to worry about the snow and slush. Well, when it came time to get my car the guy left and then came back to tell me that my key wouldn't unlock the car.  So we headed out into the parking lot -- in the slush and the snow -- to try to get my key to work...in the wrong car. Oh well, so much for valet service.

I finally got everything up for Christmas on Saturday. It looks nice. I'll take some pictures and post them so you can see that I'm the crazy Target lady when it comes to decorating. I have no idea why, but I love all the bling and knick-knacks and props associated with the holidays. My friend Jean says it looks like Christmas threw up in my living room. I can live with that. Now that the decorations are up I can settle in and watch one of my 14 Christmas DVDs. As my pal Charlie Brown would say "Oh brother."

Mary Meets the Angry Birds

On the first day of December Mother Nature gave to me -- snow. But not too much - thank you.

Did I tell you that I now have a Kindle Fire? I won it at my company's employee recognition event. Pretty nice, huh? Well I've discovered Angry Birds and just how much time one can spend/waste trying to knock over some pigs but flinging birds in a slingshot. If you don't know it's a lot of time. Just one more game; just one more level; just let me get this one and I'm done -- oh yeah. It's like electronic M&Ms -- just one green one; just one blue one; just one yellow one and I'm done -- oh yeah.

Isn't it amazing how easily we (and by "we" I mean "me" but I don't want to appear selfish so you all get to be as neurotic as I am) can get obsessed with something. I know people who are obsessed with all sorts of things that on the surface would appear harmless -- a singer, exercise, gardening, a certain television show that is no longer on the air that featured an incredibly hot man named Keifer, work, sport -- but when it's in the wrong hands/mind it becomes an obsession. And then that obsession becomes a Calvin Klein perfume and that perfume becomes a television ad and that television ad should be on during "24" but that stupid Fox canceled it and ruined my life and then ... oh look a shiny object.

Well, happy December.

Good-bye To A Work Friend

Today we found out that one of our co-workers had passed away over the weekend. The cause isn't known yet, but he's had heart problems so the assumption is that was the cause. I can't say he was a close friend but he was one of my work friends and we got along fine and had a lot of laughs over the last 8 years. He was probably in his 40s and way too young to be gone.

I have to say I'm really shook up by this and I'll miss seeing him at work. He loved dogs and kids and got really angry when someone took the last of the coffee and didn't make a new pot -- really angry. One time he wrote a poem about it. I found this picture on his Facebook page. He loved fishing.

What makes me extra sad is apparently he died a number of days ago and no one found him until today. That is just wrong. In a perfect world no one would die alone.

So once again I am face-to-face with the fragility of life. I'm not going to pretend that this will change me in any way whatsoever because people always talk about how they are going to appreciate each day more and how all the little things that bother us aren't really important and other deep thoughts but eventually 99.9% of us eventually go back to our daily lives and nothing changes much. But I think it is good, if only for a day or two, that people are aware of our mortality and think about life.

It's better than worrying about what Black Friday gift we might have missed.

These are gifts?

I'm going to spend some time looking at gifts that I'm finding in catalogs and I can't help but think -- really?

You know, I can actually imagine someone buying this to give as a gag gift but in your wildest dreams can you actually imagine anyone using it? Looking down into a toilet and seeing brown liquid, just can't be pleasant. And even if you can get past that, imagine what the dog is thinking -- oh sure I can't drink out of it but you can drink out of it whenever you want. I imagine some sort of doggy revenge would be in the cards.

And then there's a pillow that while, it could be a very sweet gift, could also be rather creepy if given to you by a neighbor that is rather creepy. You know, like having Hannibal Lecter living next door and telling you he thinks you're "special" -- "very special." Or you might wonder if you are special the same way your Aunt Mildred was special. And of course even if you have a wonderful neighbor, if you don't like this pillow or pillows in general, you are not stuck with having to have this pillow on display all the time in case your neighbor stops by.


I also want to send good thoughts and wishes to my pal Peter who is having surgery on his knee Tuesday morning. He's been told it is a short recovery period and he should be up and moving around quickly. So, Peter, good luck and take care.  Oh, and don't eat the Jello in the hospital.

Let The Holidays Being

Could someone tell me on what planet would this concoction look delicious to anyone who isn't starving to death. In the New York Times of all places. I don't know what this is, but it has enough corn and brown stuff to keep a person grossed out and on the toilet for a long time.

Now that I have that out in the open, on to new items. I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.  My tree is up and the lights are on and blinking, and just about everything else I want to have out is out. I still have to hang my pretty neon sparkly snowflakes from the ceiling. I hope to do that on Monday night.

I'm glad that "Black Friday" is over. Let's see, some lady in Los Angeles pepper sprayed people at a Wal-Mart in order to have a better chance at an Xbox. A crowd goes crazy over some $2.00 waffle irons at Wal-Mart in Little Rock. And finally, a Target worker who had to be at work at 11 p.m. on Thanksgiving fell asleep driving home and went into a canal in Florida. People were being robbed as they went to their cars, having their bags of goodies taken from them. Way to start the holiday season -- ho, ho, ho.

On a high note (I believe that's high "C") I went to see The Muppet Movie on Sunday and it was fantastic. I have been singing "Mahna-Mahna" all day long. If all those idiots at Black Friday had just been singing Mahna-Mahna I think they would have been in a better mood -- or not. Either way, go see this movie no matter how old you are. There were probably as many adults at the movie as kids. Lots of funny references to the 80s when the Muppets were so popular. My friend Peter and I are hoping a successful movie will bring the Muppets back to television. I think they should have Miss Piggy be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars and Kermit and Fozzie could be on the Amazing Race.

So in summary -- disgusting goulash, decorations almost up, people are nuts, go see the Muppets. Okay, you are now free to roam about the internet.

Look Out Below-ho-ho

So my friend Sue, not to be confused with Myrna who was formerly known as Sue also, was driving aimlessly through Bloomington on Saturday looking for hook-ups for the evening at the car wash when she discovered that Santa had apparently been drinking heavily and fell on his ass, looked up to the heavens, opening his arms wide and said "Where the hell are those damn elves when I need them"? Rumor has it three elves and a reindeer were caught underneath Santa and services will be held on Saturday -- in lieu of flowers memorials are preferred to the North Pole Hazelden Rehab Center (formerly known as Santa Anonymous until that started to confuse people who kept leaving Candyland and Tonka Trucks on the door steps). Hopefully Santa will be back on his feet in time for the holidays.

I'm Thankful I'm Not A Mince

Well this past weekend I put up almost all of my Christmas stuff -- tree, Charlie Brown characters, dancing elves, Rudolph -- you know the typical Christmas stuff. But not as much as I have in past years -- I'm scaling back so it doesn't take me three days to put it out and three days to take it down. Last year I gave away a lot of my holiday items and this year I still have a box filled with items I'm not putting out. I haven't decided if its just part of getting older or if I'm just not that into Christmas as I used to be. Or perhaps I'm just lazy -- no that can't be it -- I took a couple of naps just to think on that possibility and came to the conclusion -- no that can't be it.

Tonight I'm going to pick-up, I mean bake, a pumpkin pie to bring to Thanksgiving dinner at my brothers. I love pumpkin pie -- with or without whipped creme. Don't understand how anyone could eat mincemeat pie. First off I think that it's just wrong to hunt mince and the corporate farms that raise mince treat them poorly. Makes those egg farms look like Club Med. Speaking of eggs did you see the sign they put up at Target?

Due to unavailability, eggs are not available at this location.

Really, unavailability causes things not to be available?!? Perhaps we should send a note in our bill payment envelope -- Due to unavailability, money is not available from this person -- might be fun to see their response.

I can't watch the egg farm video -- it would make me too sick. I didn't eat meat for about six months a few years back. I may go back to my vegetarian ways -- and I'll start by not eating any mince.

The Pilgrims Have A New Look

I found this image on the left of the "pilgrims" in the free clip art library for Microsoft. You know I'm thinking perhaps we've gone a little too far in the world of diversity. Apparently in Bill Gates' world (aka Gatesland) the pilgrims were also the models from United Colors of Benetton.  Really, is it just me but do the pilgrims look like they are 1) Norwegian (if you look close you'll see he has blond hair), 2) African and 3) Asian? Apparently in Gatesland's quest to embrace diversity they forgot the Indians (aka Native Americans) -- oh I get it I get it the brown pilgrim is actually a pilgrim from India -- in fact he is probably on Gatesland's tech support team in India or it's Rajesh Koothrappali from The Big Bang Theory. Well either way -- I'm thinking that this clip art is, well, pathetic.

I guess the king of the PC went a little too far to be PC. (Get it that was really quite clever because PC = both Personal Computer and Politically Correct -- wow not bad for a Monday morning).

Have a good week. Be thankful you aren't a turkey.

The Return of the Crazy Target Lady -- Yuck.

Oh shit ... she's back.

Now I love the woman who plays the part -- Maria Bamford -- she's hysterical and a very nice person. But I can't stand the crazy Target lady ... she's like June Cleaver on steroids.

And speaking of Target -- anyone going shopping at midnight on the Friday after Thanksgiving? I used to work stocking shelves overnight at Target and I've spent enough midnights at Target to last me a lifetime. I just pray that the people who show up don't carry box openers like we used to -- I kept waiting for a knife fight to break out between the Hosiery and the Sporting Goods department.  "That's my pneumatic lift dolly," "No it's my pneumatic lift dolly," bang-biff-boom. It was nerve wracking tension like that all the time. One time I was suppose to take an entire cart filled with toothbrushes and put them on the correct peg. A cart full of toothbrushes -- well there's a space between the wall of one aisle and the wall of the other aisle and one day when they moved those walls they found about 300 toothbrushes that someone had placed there for safekeeping.

I just can't imagine people wanting to shop at midnight -- well at least shop at Target or Best Buy or whatever the hell else is open. Now I've been known to stop late at an all night grocery store on my way home from something or another because there is such thing as an Oreo emergency or a Ben & Jerry crisis but ...

Perhaps I don't have the spirit of Black Friday shopping. I'll work on that between now and the stroke of midnight 11/24 or is it 11/25 -- I've never been clear on that. Is midnight the start of the new day or the end of the old day. I have a headache now.

Slippers Sliding Away

Over the past year or so I've been finding these little pieces of green plastic on the floor of my home. It's been driving me crazy because I have no idea where they were coming from. They had obviously broken off of something but I didn't know what. Well the other night I was walking around in my slippers when it felt like something was stuck to the bottom so I took them off and looked and lo and behold there is where the green plastic has been coming from. The bottom of my slippers have been falling apart slowly and leaving little deposits all over the place. I guess I need new slippers. I'm pretty sure I've had these for around 12 years. But they are so comfortable I had to give them up but I guess now that they are falling apart I will need to say goodbye. I have seen these slippers that you can wear outdoors that I might get. That way I can wear them when I have to run outside with Freckles before we go to bed.

Last night I found her sitting by the bedroom door ... she wanted to get into bed and cuddle. Isn't that cute. Now if I could just get Keifer Sutherland to do the same thing ...

It's All About Peter

Peter called and is mad because I didn't do a post on my blog so here is a post on my blog per Peter's instructions:

1. Wear something in my hair like I did before

2. Smile

3. Have a crazed look in my eyes like I'm going to kill someone.

I hope you're happy Peter ... it's all about you. By the way I sent him a "gift" via iTunes that he hasn't opened. But the rest of you can see it here.

Okay, now I'm back to my semi-vacation.

Three Days at Home -- Yippee

 I'm on a three day vacation. What do I plan to do? Well I was going to go to the beach and sunbath naked but I guess it's a little too chilly for that. Then I thought I'd go to Treasure Island and win millions of dollars but it's such a long drive from here and I don't want to get that song from the ad stuck in my head AGAIN (the voices hate that song). So I thought perhaps I would jet off to Paris to pick up some new clothes for the winter but I remembered I'm not a size 2 so I'm sure they don't have anything that fits.

So what do I plan to do? I'm taking three days to write and to create some videos. Yes, I'm going to do some videos of new material and some stuff from my past Fringe shows. I'm also working on a new and improved blog -- stay tuned.

So watch for the launch soon.

A Very Odd Gift Opportunity

You know I don't think I would have a friend in the world on December 26th if I gave people colored toilet paper as a present. Why would anyone want this? I remember you use to be able to buy TP that was pink or blue or had flowers on it but that isn't available anymore (or at least I don't recall seeing it) and I've seen Christmas TP - in fact my friend's mom had received some as a joke and gave it to me to use because she knows how I like to decorate for the holidays. I have to admit I tossed it out -- I just couldn't bring myself to wiping my bottom with Santa; it seemed so very wrong.

So, if you are wondering what to get me for Christmas, you can pass on this item. When it comes to TP for the holidays I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

Product Review

Well the holiday rush of emails and catalogs has begun. I've actually found a new website (http://fab.com/sale/) that has some fun things that aren't that expensive and some odd things that are way too expensive. Here is an odd thing that isn't that expensive.  It is suppose to be for people to drink from but it reminds me of those bags that hang from catheters ... funky bags for sure, but still I think they should be filled with urine. You know I always liked when I was in the hospital to have a catheter. I wouldn't want one forever but it would be nice if you could wear one to bed so you'd never have to get up and tinkle ... but I digress.

This is one of those odd expensive items. It's a piggy bank you can write on -- but it's a $57 piggy bank you can write on. If you spend $57 on a piggy bank you probably don't need a piggy bank. I have a jug that I fill with change all year long and then cash it in around Christmas time to use for my spending. In the past it has come to $300 to $400 but this year I've already filled my jug and am using an overflow jug. I follow the Suzi Orman concept that you should only pay with paper and put the change away to cash in once a year. I think this year I may get to $500 which I will use to buy 8.5 chalk piggy banks -- yeah right.

I think you would have fun on the fab.com site. They do have some wild and wacky items.

Plug Ignorant

Have you ever had some one treat you like you're an idiot?

Last night I was at Micro Center trying to find a new power cord for my printer. This young 20-something woman asked me if I needed help. This was a big treat in itself because they are usually so busy there that it is hard to find anyone to help you. I told her I needed a power cord for my printer and she asked "Is it a Mickey Mouse or an Infinity?" Well I didn't know what she was talking about so I said that I didn't know and she gave me a look like I just told her I was in a hurry because I had a booger hotdish at home in the oven. From that point on she was nothing but annoyed and condescending with me. She couldn't find that cord because it's not the new standard (kind of like me) and I might be able to find it at Radio Shack. When I asked her "Do you know where I could find one?" she said "RADIO SHACK? You don't know what that is?" Well now that I didn't know my Mickey Mouse from my infinity and I didn't know what Radio Shack was she was totally disgusted. When I told her I know about Radio Shack I just was wondering if there was one close by she shook her head and told me to look online.

I have no doubt I was that arrogant when I was 20 something and someone as ancient as 50 asked me a question that was stupid. I wish I had a time machine and could go back and have a do-over and be more patient with "old people" like me. Oh let's be real, if I had a time machine I'd go back and tell Mike Evans that he's a pig and should die a slow agonizing death. And then I'd find .... oh this could go on for a long time.

By the way a Mickey Mouse plug is one with three holes that are suppose to resemble Mickey Mouse's head (?) and an infinity plug is one with two holes that is suppose to resemble an infinity sign on its side. I can't believe I missed the seminar on that.

BOO!

Well once again I've decided not to celebrate Halloween ....

Did you make your own costumes when you were growing up? We did. I was a football player (using my brother's equipment), a spy, a martian (antennas made from aluminum foil), a hobo, and others. I don't remember ever having a store bought costume -- I probably did but I don't remember it.

I remember wearing my Halloween socks to work one year and someone told me that Halloween was a satanic holiday. OMG, it is one of the most fun times of the year for kids and adults and someone has to come along and piss on it.

So speaking of Halloween, Freckles wanted to send her greetings:

 

Have a fun day and remember no matter what it says on the wrapper -- those tiny packages of candy are not the FUN SIZE, this is the fun size:

A "Fashion" Rant

For some odd reason an ad for Temple dresses keeps popping up on my Facebook page and I couldn't take it any longer -- these are dresses that are suppose to be worn in the mormon temples (and yes I have not capitalized mormon on purpose the same way I do not capitalize yankees). I just have to say WTF? You know I heard about the magic underwear that mormons are suppose to have under their heathen clothes but what is this about? It says "Women's Clothing" but it's not -- it's "Little House on the Prairie Walnut Grove Annual Virgin Parade" clothing. All these women are missing is a sacrificial volcano and they are ready to go. Oh and isn't it sweet that they are barefoot. That one on the left better get inside ... I think she's showing a little too much neck.

I'm not big on any organized religion but this is right up there with the 7 year old girls who dress like little brides when they take their first communion or women who have to keep themselves covered up so they don't "tempt" men with their ... upper arms and wrists I guess. Do you see what happens when you let men dictate what you wear -- I mean straight men (or at least men who are pretending to be straight). Yikes.

Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200

I have to go to court today regarding my condo and I'm trying to look as angelic and innocent as possible. Somehow I don't think it's working. I hope my next post won't be from the county jail!!!!!!! Too bad my ex-husband isn't alive, he could come and visit me instead of me visiting him. That would be a hoot.

Of course I just read about Denny Hecker's first year in jail where he spends his time walking around in the garden and playing cards with other inmates/guests. And he asked his attorney for quarters so he can get an ice cream cone from the vending machine. You mean in prison you can get an ice cream cone for a quarter? That doesn't seem fair. I want an ice cream cone for a quarter!!!

I'm really nervous about this but it will probably be okay. You know I should be wasting my time thinking about important stuff like a cure for cancer, world peace and what is going to happen on tonight's episode of Revenge. That is such a good show if you haven't been watching it try to catch up and start watching it -- it's kind of like Dallas meets Cold Case meets Alias. What was I talking about? Oh yeah I remember - ice cream cones.

If you don't hear from me soon please send me letters care of the county jail.

I Finally Found Religion

Dear World -- Meet my new favorite t-shirt.

Love,

Mary

Oh oh it's coming

Well I've seen the three signs of winter:

1) the ponds at the park by me have been drained and are now filled with old dried up leaves

2) the radio said the word "flurries" this morning (talking about Tuesday morning -- yuck, that's tomorrow)

3) I wore my first plaid flannel shirt on Saturday

Oh well, we knew it was coming, but not yet. I think we should wait until December 21st.

It was a nice weekend -- a trip to the bank, a trip to the library, a trip to the cemetery -- truly what more could anyone ask for other than a trip to Bermuda, a trip to a 5-star restaurant, a trip to the library. Hey I love the library.

I think libraries are the best places in the world. Imagine, you can go in and take out a bunch of books with the mere promise that someday you will bring them back. And not just books but music and movies and magazines. My friend Myrna (formerly known as Sue G-K) doesn't like books from the library - she doesn't like books that other people have touched. Bookstores love people like Myrna. But I like old books that I know have been read by lots of people before me. And I really love old old books that are kind of worn out because you know they've seen a lot of action. When I was a kid a trip to Linden Hills library was a weekly event. It was an old brick library and it smelled like a library - like old books.

The kids section was downstairs. The walls had bookcases that were just high enough that you had to be on tiptoe to reach the top shelf or there were wooden stools you could stand on. I was only allowed to bring home 5 books because my parents knew I'd bring home a suitcase full if given the chance. For some reason I can remember the thrill of finding The Blue Dolphin there. I guess I was crazy for dolphins then too. And back then the library would never carry anything like Nancy Drew or the Bobbsey Twins -- those were not of the high quality that libraries insisted on so I had to save my allowance and buy them myself.

Well off to work. Have a good day and look out for flurries.

I Don't Want To Get Up -- Really

Shhhhh don't wake the sleeping beauty

It is 6:00 in the frickin' morning and I'm showered and dressed and insanely happy to be up at this time -- yeah right.

I have to leave here around 6:40 to set up a table at a conference -- holy middle of the night batman -- this is painful.

Poor Freckles will be here for 12 hours but I've arranged for two dog walks so that will help. I would have taken her to doggy day care but you can't even start to drop off pets until 6:45.

I know I'll want to take a nap at my desk, or under my desk. Oh well - quite your complaining Mary.

Yesterday at work I could not get the song "Dancing Queen" by ABBA out of my head so I sent an email to everyone and declared in ABBA Afternoon. Many people thanked me for getting that song stuck in their head -- you're welcome. Oh is it in your head now? You're welcome too.

Last night I must have been worn out from all my disco dancing because I fell asleep and missed the ending of Revenge. Luckily it will be available ON DEMAND by Infinity or Xfinity or Huckleberry Finity.

Well I better get going before the sunrises and I turn into a vampire or stop being a vampire or a vampire turns into sugar and melts or whatever is suppose to happen at sunrise.

Nothing To Bat A Lash At (If you had any lashes)

 Perhaps someone can explain to me why we have discovered a "cure" for short eyelashes but people are wandering around with cancer, diabetes, or hundreds of other chronic diseases. What kind of company thinks of this crap? Well when I looked up Latisse, I discovered its the same people who brought us Botox, Juviderm, and breast implants.

I understand and appreciate the breast implants for women who are having breast reconstruction after a masectomy. (For crying in the beer why doesn't Google recognize the word "masectomy"? Oh, perhaps its because it is actually spelled mastectomy -- never mind.) But I have to wonder why a group of scientists who have the education and skills to perhaps discover a drug that fights a devastating disease are asked to work on cures of short lashes and wrinkles. Oh, I know, I know the answer -- MONEY!!! Yes, they can play on the insecurities of women (and men) who are getting older and tell them they will be happier if they have fewer wrinkles and more lashes.

The same company, Allergan, has products that really help people especially with eye problems like glaucoma. So why waste your time on eye lashes? Okay, perhaps I'm just annoyed with the commercials and don't understand the pain of short lashes -- well actually I understand short lashes, but not the pain. I don't care. I have never found myself thinking --  "Man, I wish I had longer lashes,""If I only had better eyelashes I never would have been laid-off," or "Longer eyelashes would really help me with this project I'm working on."

So now I'm off to work where despite my short lashes I hope to do an adequate job. Now, if I only had breast implants ...

Dingleberry Alert

There are a lot of commercials that make me crazy but the Charmin bears are up at the top of the list. Last night this stupid commercial came on where the mama bear (notice it's always the mama bear - apparently papa is off somewhere looking for pic-a-nic baskets) is busy chastising her child for having pieces of Charmin left on his butt.

Now, first off let's just admit we are very proud of a bear with no opposable thumbs being able to get paper off those rolls much less just being willing to use TP. You'd think his mother could be proud of him but nooooooooooooooooooo she has to stomp on his self-esteem because there are "pieces" leftover.

Second, what mother or father checks their child's butt for cling-ons? I just couldn't believe it so I called my friend who has 3 kids under the age of 10 and asked her "Do you check your kids butts for leftover pieces of toilet paper?" Perhaps I should have said "hello" and "how are you" before I blurted out this question but I didn't want to forget the reason why I called. Well she told me emphatically that she did NOT check such things -- she also told me that her sister-in-law chews a stick but that's another story.

Now while this is probably the stupidest commercial on TV (okay the stupidest one is the Arby's commercial where the guy licks another guy's face without the other guy killing him) but it does answer one very important question humanity has been asking for a long time: the Pope is Catholic and bears do shit in the woods - but they don't clean up too well.

Animal Farm

I went to see Dolphin's Tale on Saturday with Annie. I love dolphins and wasn't going to miss this film but oh brother am I a sap ... we weren't more than 5 minutes into the movie when I was crying. There's something about animals that pushes all my buttons. I went through a vegetarian stage a couple of years ago. I keep feeling that I should try it again. Of course, I wonder what would happen to cows and pigs and chickens if the world were vegans. Would they become extinct because its not like they would make great pets -- except for pigs, I've heard they actually make good pets. I just have this image of cows wandering the prairies and people taking their pigs to pig parks and chickens taking over the tarmacs of airports all over the world. And all that poultry would be chasing my friend Sue who has been known to be attacked by a goose.

And speaking of Sue (and I'm speaking of Sue S), I owe her a retraction. In my Wednesday post I said that she was the one who all of a sudden said "Speaking of Highway 100" when actually it was Sue G-K who apparently said that. I've decided one of the Sues will have to change their name so it is easier for me to recall who said what. So Sue S and Sue G-K one of you will now be known as Myrna -- you two can decide which one but that's just that way it has to be.

So let's recap -- Dolphin Tale -- good movie go see it; Pigs and Cows -- take over the world; Goodbye Sue -- hello Myrna. Have a good Monday.

Lunch With The Boss

Yesterday I had lunch with Jerry, the attorney I worked for almost 25 years ago. It's amazing they would hire me with the child labor laws and all but I guess I was mature for a 7-year-old (yeah right). And my friend Nancy who also worked for Jerry came to lunch too. Nancy, by the way, is a half a decade older than me so she was 12 at the time. I won't mention Jerry's age because he would hurt me.

Working for Jerry was quite an adventure. I remember when I bought a new car and was telling people about it. It was a Plymouth Sundance. Jerry says "What's a Sundance?" and I twirled around and shouted "Here comes the sun." Then one time he was giving me a ride home because I had to work late and we were going by a different route than I was used to. I said "Is this how you always drive home?" and he says "No, usually I sit in the trunk and just hope I get there." We both learned to be careful how we phrased questions. There were lots of laughs and lots and lots and lots of work.

One time I was sitting in his office with the door closed. He was trying to tell me some things he needed done and people kept knocking on the door and coming in. Finally one attorney just came in without knocking and I said in frustration "Wow it's a good thing we aren't having an affair" and Jerry says "I wouldn't even have time to take my shoes off" the attorney's face was getting rather red by this time so I added "Oh Jerry, you don't have to take off your shoes." I don't think he ever came in again.

But what really finished him was when I would do my Shirley Temple imitation singing "On the Good Ship Lollipop." So one day he was after me about something I had done wrong and I went into my Shirley Temple routine "Golly gee Mr. Pederson I'm sorry I mad you cross. I feel so bad." Well that finished him off -- still does.

I have a lot of Jerry stories. We are opposites in most everything, especially political, but we are still friends and he always makes me laugh. Oh and we both love dogs. I'm looking forward to our next lunch.

Cheeseburger in Paradise

Convention Grill

Last night I went to dinner with friends I use to work with at Norwells Farwestgo (okay when I started working there it was Norwest and when I left it was Wells Fargo). We went to the Convention Grill in Edina and oh was it good -- cheeseburgers, fries, malts, ice cream sundaes, salads?!? -- there's one in every crowd.

Of course Peter ordered a salad because he had already had dinner because he forgot we were going to dinner despite our email discussion earlier that day. So when he wasn't there I called him and he came racing over in an orange shirt - I don't know why that's important except I sure do remember that orange shirt. I hope we got his laundry done when he got home because the tile guy is coming today and apparently you can't do laundry when the tile guy has been to your house.

As always, it was a lot of fun and a lot of laughs. Sue G-K told us about 4-D sonograms (we didn't understand either) and Roscery (that's a combination of Rosary and Grocery) beads and Sue S told us how her cat speaks French (when he isn't miming or asking for oatmeal) and out of no where says "Speaking of Highway 100." Apparently the voices in her head were talking about Highway 100 because we weren't.

I, of course, was the voice of reason -- it's getting so hard for me to be the only sane person in this group but I feel it's my civic duty to keep spending time with them. I'm feeling one of my Mother Teresa/Gandhi moments coming on. Okay it's passed.

I now must go out and wreak havoc on the world. Enjoy.