Honestly?

Honestly? Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars!?! She's such a good and pure girl now will she only do the fox trot in a turtleneck? Can't wait to see that train wreck.

Honestly? Men aren't getting older they are suffering from LowT!?! Women I guess no longer go through menopause -- we have LowE!?! (Estrogen for those who need to know).

Honestly? Pawlenty rejected $850,000 for sex education in favor of abstinence only programs!?! How I wish his parents had chosen abstinence. "It's better to spend no money on sex education if it's going to have a condom message. You are pouring fuel on the fire" said Tom Prichard, a proponent of abstinence-only sex education.

Honestly? I have to go to work again !?!

It's Cool To Go To School

I thought I'd try to cool you off by showing a picture of my nephew Perry skiing in Chile.

Hope you had a great weekend, I did. I had a chance to go to dinner with Lori, my best friend from high school. Her parents are the sparents I spoke of before. I have to admit as much as I miss my mom and dad I'm glad I don't have to do all the work she is doing. Last week they had their bathtub removed and replaced with a walk-in shower. Lori now is left with cleaning up the mess. There is plaster everywhere and she is dusting walls, washing linens, etc. I don't even want to do that at my own place much less someone else's place.

I'm going to take classes this fall in web development and design. I better hurry up and do my back to school shopping. I'll need some new outfits, a notebook, pencils, crayons, paste, pencil box, lunch box, flatscreen tv, GPS, iPad, oops, perhaps I've gotten carried away again. One of the nice things about taking the class is I can get the computer programs that I'll be learning for dirt cheap because I'm a student. Hooray. Do you think you can get a new couch for less if you're a student? You should be able to.

Of course with taking classes come the typical concerns about having time to work on my assignments, juggling school with work, who will I sit with on the bus, will anyone ask me to homecoming, should I sign up for the pep squad AND dance committee? This is a lot of pressure to deal with. I think I better go see my school counselor -- I hope he's hot!!!

Thanks So Much

Thanks to so many people who had such nice things to say to me after yesterday's post. I am very lucky to have great friends around me. I will read those whenever I'm feeling a little down.

Yesterday I ran into someone I use to work with (I wish it had been with my car but unfortunately we were just walking through the Skyway downtown). I said hi and he goes "What's your name again?" I said "Mary" and he responds "That's right, now I remember." Isn't it nice that he acknowledged and I knew my own name? And after I told it to him, he "remembered" it. He's like some sort of genius that guy.

Happy Friday, hope you have a fun weekend planned.

Humiliation on a stick

Yep, it's Minnesota State Fair time when people gather to eat junk, walk around aimlessly, and eat more junk. Each year my company gives us 1/2 day off and a ticket to the fair, plus a little spending money. They started when we won a contest with the MTC for a poem I submitted. We got 50 tickets to the fair and our own bus. They've continued the tradition since then.

Last year I went to the fair to go to the Randy Travis concert. I went on my own because I didn't know anyone who was as wild about Randy as I am (I now know Peter is as wild about Randy as I am). So I was eating junk and walking around aimlessly when four guys who were probably around 21 and drinking beer started to make fun of me and my size. After so many years of being subjected to that I was kind of use to it so I just kept going but these guys decided to follow me. They were making oinking noises and saying "look out here comes a heffer." I didn't think it was worth pointing out that a heffer is a cow and cows don't oink. Well this continued for quite a while. I finally asked them to stop and leave me alone and it got worse. After about 15 minutes of this I was so upset I turned and went home. Never saw Randy. It was such a horrible time.

So I can't decide if I want to go back to the fair. I know if I don't go those a-holes win. I'll have to think about that one. I'm scheduled to go next Thursday afternoon so I have a week to ponder the decision. Stand by ... well don't just stand there until next Thursday unless you have nothing else to do.

How To Keep A Miner Busy

Have you heard about the 33 miners in Chile who may be stuck in a hole until Christmas? I don't know if I could do it, stay in a small confined space with 32 other people waiting for some sort of "treat" to come out a pipe.

I would be afraid of the guy who said "Hey I have an idea, let's play a game. Let's pretend we are soccer players whose planes have crashed in the Andes." What are you going to do? Crawl up the 6" pipe?

"Doctors say they plan to keep the men informed and busy." Great. They'll yell down the pipe "You're still stuck!" and then try to start up a rousing game of I Spy. "I spy with my little eye some dirt." Game over.

Tomorrow get ready for a session of "Hide and Seek."

She's Gone To Work

Okay, mom was running late and said she didn't have time to do a post so left it to me. It's been a busy time lately. There is a lot of grass that needs to be watered and even more grass that needs to be rolled in. Begging for food is not what it use to be. I think she's on to me and my sad eyes just are not cutting it any more. So I've taken up salivating on her feet -- that seems to do the trick.

Had a pedicure the other day. Doesn't seem fair that we're charged the standard $12 when there is only 3 legs. I think we should get a 25% discount that can be used towards MORE TREATS, MORE TREATS, MORE TREATS.

Well I better get to sleep ... that's my job you know, to hold down the floor until mom gets home. Have a good day.

Pupperoni Rules!!!!!

Freckles

Happy Monday????

Now that the Minnesota State Fair is almost here the cliche you'll hear most often is "I can't believe summer is almost over" and it will be accompanied by a rather sad face. I've learned not to reply with what's in my heart but rather to nod and smile and say "It sure goes fast." What I want to say is "Thank God it's almost over."

I really don't care much for summer. At least not as an adult. When you're a kid it's great because you don't have school and you get to pretty much goof off for three months. My favorite part of summer was the four weeks I'd spend at camp. I went to Lyman Lodge out on Lake Minnetonka. It's not there anymore -- the YWCA sold it and now there are mini-mansions where there use to be cabins. I know those four weeks at camp were also my mom's favorite four weeks of the summer. It meant four weeks without being afraid every time the phone rang it would be a neighbor saying "Do you know what Mary is up to now?" I think the worse call she got along those lines were when my friend Debbie and I found my dad's stash of condoms in his nightstand and at first we thought it was candy but when we opened one up we realized, of course, it was a balloon. So we blew them up, tied a string around them, and I walked around the block yelling "Balloons for sale; balloons for sale." You can only imagine the joy my mother felt as a parent to pick up the phone and hear "Do you know that Mary is walking around the neighborhood with rubbers on a string?"

No wonder they invented birth control pills.

Humidity Hangover

This is how my head feels this morning. Think I need some intensive therapy.

Watched Couple's Retreat yesterday -- don't waste your time. It had about two moments when it was funny but the rest is so predictable and boring.

Today I'm heading out to the Masonic Home Rehab Center to see my sparents. They let you bring dogs so Freckles will be going with. I'm sure she'll have a good time. Yesterday I had her in the car when I stopped to get her favorite dog treats at Chuck and Don's (which I highly recommend). They will let you bring your dog into the store but I never do because I have to literally pull her out of the store. So I had two bags of Charlie Bears and a bag of Bil-Jac training treats that I use to lure her back home when we are at the park. I went from there to the library to drop off some books and when I came back to the car -- yes you guessed it -- Miss Freckles had torn into the Bil-Jac treat bag and eaten every single treat in there. And when I opened the door and saw the bag laying next to her she just looks up at me like "Hi Mom!" with a big smile on her face. She was so proud of herself. Oh well, I've been tempted to do the same thing when I see a bag of chocolate so how mad could I be -- it's instinct.

Quick, Turn The Station

Howdy partners ...

I know the other half of the 10 songs I hate. Let's review. I already mentioned:

1. Dreamweaver (sorry Peter and Sue)

2. Sylvia's Mother

3. Horse With No Name

4. The Christmas Shoes

5. Little Willie Won't Go

The rest of my list is:

6. The Year of the Cat

7. The Candyman

8. Rhinestone Cowboy

9. To All The Girls I've Loved Before

10. Everlasting Love

Sue requested I add "Nights in White Satin" (it's Nights Sue, not Knights. If Knights wore white satin they were called sissy) and "Stairway to Heaven." I have foggy, but fond, memories of these songs. Add a black light and the songs were groovy.

So I ask ... what songs do you hate?

I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up ... Really

This is my adopted family (Freckles is passed out on the couch after the "boys" gave her some liquor to enjoy). I've been hanging around with them since high school. It's the biological family (I love these PC terms) of my best friend Lori. I call her parents my SPARENTS (spare + parents = oh how clever am I). Well yesterday I found out both of my sparents are in the hospital. Well I knew Dad B was in rehab after having his knee replaced last week, but Mom B fell on Tuesday and fractured her pelvic bone. She was all by herself, because Dad was at rehab, and she couldn't stand up and had to crawl to the phone to call for help. I guess it's medical alert time. After all those years of making fun of the commercials it's time to join in. Now Mom B will have to go for rehab. It's such a mess. Lori is coming to town (she lives in Wyoming, the state not the city). I've been through this with my mom and grandma and I don't envy her or her sister all the decisions they'll be making in the future. I'll be there to support them.

When I called Mom B at the hospital yesterday her first words to me were "Screw the Golden Years." I think she said it best.

Brett Favre is Back ...

and it's my birthday.

Yes, again on August 18th the press will not be covering my birthday. Instead they are covering the return of Brett Favre AGAIN and AGAIN it's on August 18th. I think Brett is doing this just because I refused to sleep with him -- well I refuse to sleep with him if he ever asks me.

Okay back to the birthday girl. I would like to point out that 50 years ago today I turned 6 and the first birth control pill was sold. I've always had a feeling it was sold to my mother. In fact I think she was at the drug store begging for it.

So I'm 56 ... I'm on the backside of 50. I can't believe it, I don't feel older than 54. Oh well, not much I can do about it. What was your best year? My best year, so far, was when I was 32. I was in my last year of college, I was madly in love, I was having so much fun. I still think I can top 32 ... perhaps I'll top it when I'm 56. We'll have to see.

Happy birthday to me,

Happy birthday to me,

Brett Favre has come back,

Oh shit, even I can't avoid the facts.

Good Morning, No Really, Good Morning

Oh what a beautiful morning.

I got such a good night's sleep. I don't know if it was because I was so tired or because I didn't take that horrible medicine but I don't care. The world is a lot nicer when you aren't exhausted.

I've decided to get a GPS. I had one when I was out in California (I'm starting to sound like Cliff Clavin and his Florida trip). It was nice to be told turn left, turn right, I said right you idiot. I had a special GPS -- the LSEGPS (low self esteem GPS). Actually there are a couple of things that I would have liked to have on the GPS. For instance, when you are going the same way for a long distance every once in a while it should say "Hey you are still going the right way, that's fantastic" or "Way to go Mary, Way to go!" just to let you know it's still working. My favorite thing was when I was leaving to head back to Santa Barbara I plugged in the address of the rental return but I knew I was going to go a couple blocks out of the way to get a McDonald's breakfast. So when I didn't turn when I was suppose to it says "Recalculating, turn right on ..." Well I turned left and it says "Recalculating, go straight .3 miles" and I turned left again. It was so patient with me, it should be programmed to say "Well if you aren't going to listen to me, I'm not going to talk to you anymore." Even better, it could have a karaoke program so on a long drive the two of us can sing as we roll along.

Speak Hindi or Else

Oh my, I didn't notice how closed my eyes were when I took this picture earlier. This is the picture of a person smiling through a migraine. Not a pretty picture at all.

I went to bed at 10:00 last night and the last time I looked at the clock it was almost 2:00. When I finally stopped pushing my snooze alarm I got up at 7:00, took this picture, brushed my teeth and kept running into walls as I tried to take Freckles out for a walk. I decided to go back to bed and slept until about 10:30. That was a good idea.

I'm on some new medication and since I started taking it I have been having the worse nightmares. My teeth have fallen out, I've been lost in the woods in the middle of the night, I've been raped by my childhood friend's brother (who is now a minister), and last night I was being hunted inside a bank that was owned by India and they were killing everyone who couldn't speak Hindi. So last night I think I just laid there afraid to fall asleep. I have a call into my doctor. I should have a call into a psychologist to figure out what the "F" is going on here!!!!

It sure would be nice if you could program your dreams ... I'm lost in the woods in the middle of the night with Keifer Sutherland or my teeth have fallen out and my dentist is Keifer Sutherland. Oh well, perhaps tonight.

While I was laying there for some reason I was trying to think of 10 songs I absolutely can't stand. So far I have:

1. Dreamweaver (for some reason I keep wanting to sing Mouth Breather instead of Dream Weaver)

2. Sylvia's Mother

3. Horse With No Name (probably because my friend thought it said "I've been to the desert on a horse with Joe Nanamath")

4. The Christmas Shoes

5. Little Willie Won't Go (or something like that)

I'll have to work on the next five later.

Sweet dreams tonight, I hope.

It's My Rogative!!!!!

[There is no picture because they won't let me add a picture -- bastard people.]


On this great Sunday afternoon, Freckles and I went for a long drive in sweet Bessie. The top was down, the tunes were up, and here comes John Mellencamp singing "You Got To Stand For Somethin'." This was part of his Scarecrow album which I played over and over and over again while I was in college. And I say album and mean album. I have also bought it as a cassette and a CD. I saw he's going to be in Minneapolis and I sure would like to see him, especially at the Orpheum instead of a big stadium like Xcel, but the do-re-mi is not here right now so maybe next time. But I digress.


I'm listening to "You Got To Stand For Somethin'" and I thought to myself, when was the last time I really stood for something. I'm not talking about big things like civil rights, equality for women, gun control, or getting Betty White to host SNL -- I'm talking about every day chances that come my way when I should stand up for someone or something but I just stay quiet because I don't want to make waves (and believe me I actually enjoy making waves), especially in the workplace. I honestly wonder how far we can let ourselves, and others, be pushed and bullied before we say anything because we are afraid of losing our job. I think the flight attendant who, yes, everyone including me, is getting tired of, risked his job to stand up for himself and in many ways for other attendants to say "how much do we have to take." When I was on the flight from Minneapolis to Denver (then to California) right before we were going to take off this man started to make a fuss. Of course, I was thinking, like I have a feeling most people were "Please just sit down so we can get going." Well the man was arguing with the attendant and with the boarding gate person.


As I understood it he had bought two tickets on the flight for himself and his mother. His mother had a heart attack a couple of weeks prior to the flight and had surgery and was, of course, unable to travel. He called the airline (Frontier) to get a refund and was told he would be charged a penalty. Let's be real -- if he can prove that his mother was actually medically unable to fly the airline should be a refund. Well since the penalty was high and he was pissed he said, never mind I'll take the two seats. Think about it, all that extra space on a plane ride, sounds pretty tempting.


In the meantime since his mother, who was the person the seat was assigned to, never showed up Frontier sold the seat to someone else just like every other airline would have done. That was when he blew up -- and rightfully so. He paid for the seat and if he wants to leave it empty or put a troll doll on the seat isn't that his prerogative? And if the airline sold the seat then they should give him a full refund no questions asked. [Also what is rogative I mean you have pre-, de-, and even inter- but no rogative -- that's stupid!]


So I watched his unfolding and I knew he was right, I think we all did, but no one jumped to his defense. No one said -- right on brother. We just sat there and wished he would sit down so we could take off. The man eventually got off the plane. And I didn't stand for him, when I should have. I can write to the airline supporting him. I can write to my senators to pass a law that all airlines (and Ticketmaster) etc. should have to return funds to anyone who has a legitimate medical reason to have to cancel their plans. But, that Thursday, when one person was raging against the machine, none of us even had the balls to say -- "You're right. Go get 'em."


I wonder what my day would be like if I wasn't afraid to lose my job, to lose my seat on a plane, to lose my so-called-dignity. And that's what I've been thinking about on this Sunday afternoon.

Good Morning Butterflies

Another beautiful day in the neighborhood. The sound of air conditioners sucking up all my money, fans in the hallway trying to dry off the carpet that got soaked when the water came in during the storm, and my lungs wheezing trying to breath through the heat and humidity. Yum, yum -- life is delicious.

This feels like such a long week despite the fact I had Monday off. It takes a while to get back to normal after a vacation, especially when you go away, even for a few days.

I have to talk about the flight I had to California (and back). I always get a window seat if possible. I discovered this time that you are not allowed to put down the shade during takeover or landing. I have to ask why? Am I suppose to be looking out the window for something. "Hey hold the plane, here comes Andy!" or "OMG all the luggage just fell out of cargo." or "I think there's a rogue airline attendant running with a couple of beers." It's another one of those stupid rules that make no sense to me.

I still curse the name of that guy with the shoe bomb. I'm watching these little old ladies (okay, I'm one of them now) struggling to take off our orthopedic shoes and walk around in our support stockings. My friend Geri has to be frisked because she had a knee replacement and it sets off the machine. Of course, the friskers have no sense of humor. The woman frisker asked the friskee (Geri) if she minded her padding her bosoms. Friskee responds "Well first you need to buy me dinner." Frisker just starred at her. Oh well, I guess they can't show any signs of humanity when we ask them to be machines.

Have a swell day.

Where's The Ark?

Last night when I took Freckles out, or tried to take Freckles out, she totally refused to go out into the rain. We sat under the canopy out front for a while but the rain would not let up. I had never planned for this event. Where would she go? I knew eventually she would not be able to wait any longer so I thought if we went to the garage perhaps she would let it go down there. When I got down there is was flooding. We came back upstairs and water was coming into the building via the patio. One guy was running around telling us that we were all going to have water coming into our units. I wondered if I should inflate my inflatable bed so we would float away when the flood came in. I'm sure that would be an interesting sight floating down Hennepin Avenue. Well the rain let up, Freckles couldn't stand it anymore so she went out in the now wimpy rain and did her thing, the water receeded, and, of course, early this morning the electricity went out. That is why you are getting this older picture, because I couldn't fire up my computer at home. Fortunately, the electricity came back on just before we were leaving but I still took the girl to doggie daycare. I'll have to continue the lessons I've learned on my vacation series tomorrow when it is hopefully drier and the hamsters are running again at Xcel Energy.

What A Day!

The original thought of this picture was "Shhhh, don't tell Freckles I'm leaving again" but the day had other plans. I had to go in early for a breakfast meeting and then I had 250 emails with a number of do this, is this done, type of messages and I never got to my blog.

I have a couple of things I've been thinking of since the wedding/trip to share with you. Today (or tonight) is about the incredible rudeness of people. I think every wedding planner should be given a gun, a tazer, and/or a cattle prod and they should be allowed -- by law -- to use it on any person who shows up that didn't RSVP or who shows up with a guest and didn't say they were bringing someone or worse yet they bring their entire family, including small children who never ever have fun at a wedding despite what you see in the movies, and the entire family was not invited. "Well Uncle Fred and Aunt Pumpkin are here from Des Moines and I really didn't want to leave them alone at home because I knew they'd drink all the liquor and make long distance calls on my phone and they've never been to a wedding where the bride is so old and the groom has a speech impediment so I figured you wouldn't mind if I brought them." These people should be shot, zapped, or prodded back to the stone ages.

And by the way, my new hero is Steven Slater. I have walked off a couple of jobs but never with such panache. I bow to you Steven -- I am not worthy.

I'm Back

I had a great time and am always happy to get home, especially to see Freckles. Saturday afternoon when I was getting ready for the wedding I turned on the TV in my room and HBO was showing "Marley & Me." I'd never seen the movie, but I had read the book, and I was sobbing so hard at the end I had to call home and see how my girl was doing. So here is my bit of wisdom, if you leave a dog you love at home when you go on vacation -- DON'T WATCH "MARLEY & ME"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another tip, don't come home to horrible weather. In Santa Barbara it was about 72, breezy, and NO HUMIDITY. Yikes, this is torture. If I was rich I'd have a vacation home out there. It is beautiful, the weather is great, and everything is really expensive.

The wedding was wonderful ... up on a mountain and it was actually quite cool. I loved it although others were freezing (the people from California were freezing the most). I'll write more about my experiences, especially on the plane, but right now I have to do some laundry.

SEE YOU ON MONDAY

Sorry, but I'm running late. I decided not to take my laptop so I'll post again on Monday.

I'm Going To A Wedding

My friend Geri's daughter Natalie is getting married this Saturday in California and I'm going to the wedding. She and Robert have really had quite a journey to this day. Shortly after they got engaged Robert was diagnosed with cancer. He's gone through treatment and right now is in remission, but through the whole thing he would not let Natalie postpone the wedding -- he was determined to be there. And it will be my privilege to be there too. This is a picture after they got engaged in Italy. They went there after Natalie graduated with her Master's degree in social work. These are two amazing people.

Of course these two amazing people are going to have a few crazy old ladies at the wedding - there's me, Geri, and Geri's friend Barb. And we will all be on the same plane going out. I feel sorry for the flight attendants on that plane not to mention the other passengers. Watch for any disturbances in the skies tomorrow.

And as for yesterday in the hot, humid sun - that sucked. I was outdoors for most of the afternoon. I put on sunscreen and still ended up sunburned. It's the curse of the fair-skinned Irish/Norwegian which sounds like an incredibly boring horror film.

Fore!!!!

I'm going to spend the day at our company's golf event out in Prior Lake. I have no idea how I'll survive the heat. I don't golf (with a chest like mine there is no way I can keep my arm straight) but I do ride around in a golf cart taking photos of other people playing golf. Last year it was a beautiful cool day and lots of fun, but today it's going to be in the 90s and oh dear, I'm going to be a big sweat rag.

Personally I don't get the thrill of golf. I know it's a cliche but the thrill of hitting a little ball into a hole does nothing for me. I think next year we should have a movie event or a sit on a boat cruising down the river event or a nap event. I guess the last one would be an orgy -- good times but where would you put the name tags?

Well wish me luck ... I'll need it.

Hi, I'm Mary

I went to my aunt and uncle's 60th anniversary party yesterday and we were asked to wear name tags. Well at one point I realized all the cousins and spouses were sitting out on the deck talking wearing our name tags. Now I knew everyone's name but I realized how nice it would be if we all wore name tags. Yes, I know it's an episode from Seinfeld when George suggested everyone in New York wear a name tag, but the more I think about it, the more I like it, because I can't remember names as well as I use to. Not sure if that's because I'm getting older, or because I just don't care. For instance, when I'm at an office event and I'm introduced to someone's wife/husband and kids apparently I'm suppose to remember those names -- not just during the event, but I'm suppose to know them next year and the year after. "You remember by wife" - well no not really. So I think we should at least wear name tags at events, even if we think we know everyone. Hey, just humor me -- I have sharp objects.

I Blame It On The Bossa Nova

I totally forgot to write a blog on Saturday and I had so many interesting and provocative things to say ... but now it's Sunday and my religion (the Temple of the Posturepedic) doesn't allow me to say or write interesting and provocative things on Sunday so I guess it's just a loss to all of humankind. Tough toenails humankind!

I'm going to an open house for my aunt and uncle's 60th Wedding Anniversary. Ye gads, I can't imagine being married to someone for 60 years. Actually I have a hard time imagining being married to someone for 60 weeks!

They are also my godparents and I've told them when they get to the pearly gates they are going to have a lot to answer for regarding their goddaughter. I'm not sure if they think that is funny or frightening. They're Lutherans so you can never be too sure when it comes to talking about god and heaven.

I leave later this week for California for a wedding (at first I typed weeding, which is a different California activity all together). I'm looking forward to getting away for a few days and just having some fun. My nephew Brett is going to stay with Freckles. That should be interesting for both of them.

Stay cool and remember to blame it on the bossa nova.